Helping my 8 year old son to deal with my adopted child?

Question

Here's my complicated story: My son Jake came to live with me recently. He and my older son Kyle (age 10) had lived with their father for the last 4 years after our divorce. After my husband and his new wife gave birth to their daughter, he wanted to come back and live with me So now he has been home with my second husband (Paul) and I for about a month.

My youngest sister (Felicity, age 17) had a baby daughter (Rachel) 6 months ago. She is mostly deaf, and my sister found out she is also blind in one eye, just recently. Felicity decided she wasn't ready to be a mother to a child with that many problemst, so I am going to raise Rachel for her.

Rachel is coming into my custody Saturday (we adopted her). We have been talking with Jake about this, and he seems ok with it. I am worried that he will not respond well to his cousin living with us. Jake has NVLD (lacks social skills). Any tips on how to help my son cope with this change? Any tips on raising a deaf/half blind child?

Answer 1

Okay, first don't lose any confidence with yourself or your son, but you have to be strong and don't lose any hope cause if you do then you can't really fix it again. But I know that you can do it and make it happen. If you need any help or with any problem, then just e-mail at [e-mail]

Answer 2

Be open & honest with Jake.  All siblings have issues and siblings of special needs children sometimes feel left out of the mix - regardless of whether or not adoption is involved.  Just stay positive and keep the lines of communication open.  Maybe even make one night "Jake's night" where he gets you all to himself for a game or movie or just to go out for ice cream.  Let him know he isn't loved any less because of the new sibling.  And if he does start having issues, don't hesitate to seek outside counseling for him or the family to help deal with the situation early.  

Parenting a special needs child is challenging but also rewarding.  Although I don't have any specific tips on the type of disability you refer to, I can tell you not to be too hard on yourself as most parents of special needs children tend to be.  : )   Stay strong and lean on family & friends for help if you need to.   I always thought that "I could do this myself" when everyone offered to help.  But I learned the hard way that accepting help is not a fault - it is a necessity to your sanity some days.  : )

Good luck.

Answer 3

Wow.  This is going to be a real challenge, and I admire you enormously!

Instead of telling the older:  you have to/should love the baby.  You must/should take care of your younger sibling.  etc.  I turned it around and talked about the baby's love and confidence in the older sibling saying:  Look how he loves you. Look how much he trusts you.  I figured that it would be really irresistible to be loved by a baby...older brother "fell for it."  They are now inseparable by choice.

Definitely get serious assistance as soon as possible from organizations that specialize in blind and/or deaf education.

Answer 4

Well, first let me tell you that you have a great husband.  All of this must be scary for him also.  I sat my sons down and told them all about the two little girls Dad and I wanted to adopt and that we wanted their advice on if we should and how they could help us with them.  We explained one of the girls was special needs and would make our family very different because she would always need extra care and how did they think we could handle that and did they think they could help.  We were very serious and wrote down notes of everything they said and took it all into consideration.  After the girls came home with us we put it on the fridge to remind them of their promises to help.  A few months later when the girls had settled in a bit we all sat down together and did the same thing.  Your little girl will be too young for that, but you get my meaning.  We made the adoption a family decision and had everyone participate.  It worked out great.

Now.  About the baby's disabilities.  First be prepared to find more disabilities as she gets older.  Many disabilities cannot be diagnosed until the child is older and exhibits developmental delays and other symptoms.  I'm in the same situation basically.  My younger sister suddenly died a year ago from heart attack and stroke.  She left me her 15 year old profoundly disabled son.  It is a labor of love and cannot be taken lightly.  The exhaustion of dealing with schools and social services and doctors is only matched by the strain of providing physical care to this child.  These children do not grow up, move out, and have a life of their own.  They are with you always and forever.  Hopefully, your little girl will not be burdened with mental retardation and is able to learn and find some sort of work suited to her disabilities.  The first call you need to make is to social security and ask how to apply for any benefits she may be eligible for.  Then call social services and ask what  programs and benefits she may be eligible for.  Then call the school district office and ask to speak to someone in the special education department.  It is never to early to get a disabled child into training.  Find out if she is eligible for medicaid and what services they can provide.  Find your nearest school for the blind and for the deaf and ask them how old she has to be prior to bringing her in for an evaluation.  If you have those school near you I highly recommend you enroll her in their programs rather than the local school district.  They do not have the money or proper training to deal with her special problems.  They will just push her through the system with as little cost and difficulty as they can.

Now, prepare for battle.  You will be spending a lot of your life from here on getting copies of this and sending them there.  Then getting copies from there and sending them here.  Then they lose them all so you have to start all over again.  Keep copies of everything.  You will need it over and over again.

Welcome to the sisterhood.  I wish you and your family all of the luck in the world.

Answer 5

It will probably be a huge adjustment to have to share Mom with a new sibling.  Make sure to plan some special time alone with just him once in a while, and try to find ways that he can help with the baby...age appropriate, of course.  

Is there an ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education) program with the schools in your area?  Maybe you could contact them and ask for some advice?  We have one here that has baby-and-me classes, toddler time, preschool aged activites, etc.  They might have something appropriate for the new baby once she's a little older that can help with her conditions, too, and could help you find ways to help your son adjust to his new sister.

Giving him responsibilities to help out with the baby so he feels important, while giving him "alone time" with just mom should hopefully help out a lot with the transition.  Good luck!

Answer 6

thats nice that you could help your sister! i don't know how to help your son, but the baby is going to face a lot of issues, i hope and pray that you and your family will learn sign language. i have been learning ASL over the last year, and was sickened at the fact that only 10% of parents with deaf children learn how to sign. it is going to be rough for her with the hearing loss, sight loss, and abondonment issues. i wish you and your family luck. and i hope you give this baby all that she deserves.... sorry, i'm sure Jake will be fine, he'll probably be a little jelous, just make sure you pay special attention to him whenever possible. it would be the same as if you had another baby naturally, he'll get over it as long as he knows he's still your boy, i'm sure he'll love helping his new cousin/sister learn how to sign, make sure he knows he's an important part of the family.

i wish you and your children the best!

Answer 7

Wow!  This is going to be a major change for Jake.  Please remember how important it is for him to realize you love him very very much.  Also, make sure you take at least one day a month (one day a week would be better if you could work it) to have someone else care for your child, and take him out to do something - just the two of you.  Also, make sure the baby doesn't cause you to miss any of his activities, like little league etc.  After that, just try to be patient.  Hopefully the kids will grow on eachother.  However, since he already responded poorly to one baby, he probably is pretty nervous about this one.  Be prepared for some tantrums, and just be ready to shower him with attention every instant you're not with the baby.  I know this doesn't leave much time for yourself - but you're asking him to take on a MAJOR life adjustment, and he didn't get a choice in it.  

Now, for your new daughter.  First and formost - sign her up for the Early Childhood Intervention program in your state.  You didn't mention which state you were from or I would have provided you a link.  If you call the local school district they should be able to direct you.  From Birth to age 3 she can get services through the Early Childhood program (therapy, etc).  Even though you can get private services, I recomend trying to go through your ECI program first.  I find they usually coordinate their services better, and help you with the transition to school services at age 3.  If you do have to go through private therapy, try to find an office where all three therapies are located in the same place and where the therapists coordinate with eachother.  She should be getting speech therapy (since she's deaf), physical therapy (since she's partially blinded), and occupational therapy (to help her learn to cope with life skills despite the disabilities).   It makes life so much easier if your therapists work together.  Actually, since she's blind in one eye, she may qualify for special services from the school district from birth under the "deaf and blind" legislation.  You will have to check into it.  Since only one eye is effected, they may want to start you out with ECI and not move you to school services until she is three.  Also, you want to put her in a pre-school/daycare program as soon as possible.  If you don't work, still make sure she goes once or twice a week.  For special needs kids, learning to cope with peers is extremely important.  The earlier you start, the better their coping mechanisms will be.  

Also be aware that many other programs exist to help families of special needs kids.  Many of them are privately funded, so without knowing your area, I can't really direct you.  There are usually state programs (though usually there is a waiting list, so you want to sign up ASAP) that will help the child qualify for medicaid and/or SSI payments even if your family makes too much money.  This can help offset the cost of care, so you can take care of them at home instead of relying on a hospital or nursing staff.  There are also usually support groups around the area for parents of special needs children, and some espescially for parents who have kids with specific disabilities.  Find one as soon as you can - and try to find one that incorporates non-handicapped siblings as well.  You son will really REALLY need to know he isn't alone.  I grew up with two handicapped little brothers (also adopted) and the feeling of "no one else understanding" was one of the most frustating things about it.  I loved them very much, but sometimes I would be embarassed about going to special olympics events, or angry that they couldn't do their share of the chores...  things like that.  Kids are kids, and they're going to feel that way.  The thing is, those thoughts always made me feel so guilty and ashamed.  If I had had other people to talk to it would really have helped ALOT!  There are also state or privately funded programs that offer what is called "Respit Care".  This is either a center or a trained "babysitter" that they send to your house to care for your special needs child so you can get a "break".  This would be a great time to take your son out for some one on one time, or have a romantic dinner with your husband.  Do NOT feel guilty for needing a break from this child - even if you need more breaks from her than you did from your other kids.  They offer services like this precisely because raising a special needs child is so taxing (I did it myself -  and it's tough stuff).  Needing a break doesn't mean parents don't love kids, it just means they're worn out and their nerves are frayed.  The little breaks normal children give you are often missing with a special needs child because they simply have so many more needs to take care of.  They offer respit so you can get the breaks before you get so cranky that you do something silly and start snapping at your kids - or worse.  No one is saying you WOULD do those things, but it's a proven fact that parents of special needs kids NEED breaks in order to be at their best.  Take them!  

Good luck with your new daughter, and good luck with your son.  Remember, he may seem half-grown, but he still needs you alot - and now so does she.