Henny Youngman quotes... What do you think? I think he`s a hoot?

Question

You can`t buy love but you can pay heavily for it!

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery!

I know a man who doesn`t pay to have his trash taken out, how does he get rid of his trash, he gift wraps it and puts it into an unlocked car!

A doctor gave a man six months to live, the man couldn`t pay his bill so he gave him another six months!

While playing golf today I hit two good balls, I stepped on a rake!

Answer 1

Thank you for a question about Henny Youngman!  

He brought laughter (and a few groans of mirth) into my life for 50 years; and today, as I remember his classic one-liners, he still makes me laugh -- I never tire of hearing or reading them.  

Henny spent seven decades of his almost 92 years (1906-1998) in this world making people laugh with his schtick of snappy one-liners, delivered in a rapid-fire, shoot-from-the-lip style.  As a comic, he always refrained from vulgarities and enjoyed the innocence of a good clean joke.

Dubbed "the king of the one-liners" by Walter Winchell, Henny wrote a funny and touching autobiography titled "Take My Life, Please!" (1991).  Also available is his 1989 book  "10,000 One-Liners, An Encyclopedia of One-Liners."

He enjoyed his own one-liners.  He would come on stage with his violin and often begin by saying:  "I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."  

The internet is filled with his humour and we are richer for it.  Here are but a few examples:

Interviews with Henny:

http://wiredforbooks.org/hennyyoungman/  

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story...

CDs:

"The Best of the Worst of Henny Youngman," Collectables (1997); "Take My Album...Please!" (2007)

http://www.oldies.com/product-view/34734...

http://www.amazon.com/s?ie=UTF8&keywords...

Quotes 'n Jokes:

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/author...

http://workinghumor.com/quotes/henny_you...

http://www.zimbio.com/Henny+Youngman+Quo...

http://quotes.tubegator.com/youngman.php

"There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out." :-D

Answer 2

never heard them b4 but i love them haha

Answer 3

Nice.

Answer 4

Two men go hunting in the woods. By an old path they come upon a sign: "BEAR LEFT." So they go home.

Man needs a lawyer so he calls up a firm.

"Hello. Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz, and Schwartz."

"Great. Is Mr. Schwartz in?"

"No, it's his day off."

"All right. How about Mr. Schwartz then?"

"He's retired--no longer with the organization."

"Ah. Well, uh, may I speak with Mr. Schwartz?"

"I'm sorry, but Mr. Schwartz is in Detroit on business. He'll be in Monday."

"I see. May I please talk with Mr. Schwartz?"

"Speaking!"

Answer 5

HaHa, "Take My Wife,........PLEASE...."......!!

Answer 6

..IF  by chance,

I Have awaken  far longer;

and far beyond'

the  sight,,

one should consider,

advance  knowledge

then  BELIEVE  

that  NO ONE=NO HOW

IS  MORE  WISER  THEN

WHO  [P]  DID IT  

HOE=DID  IT  ,,*  IN- E ME *

  * ? * kind of  early .?

  to DOUBT  ..THE DAY *

so  being  

THE  [ YO]  MAN,*

  turns out.

to be  ME *

  CAN I BE ON  HOLD *

[bet ore  I Begin  my beginning,

***** [[Poe]] edit

my blog..  *  word *

  

  I owe  my pick & my shovel,,

  &  IF IT WAS NOT  

for  my  MEN,,

WHOM I CONTROL *

  child  *

   they,, would  melt  on the  door.

  if they  

did not  call me  

[before  i let them  

in to my PORT,TO.. GATE *

  THIS IS ALL BUT  A BATTERY

OPERATED BOX

I PLUG IT  IN..

I PUSH ITS  

BOTTOM *

IT SAYS

  [START,,[ THY CONTROL *

[ i am captain  witchita

ever  *  EN-RI=QUE *

  DO NOT  FUSS  WITH MY

PIRATE * PARTS *

GO HENRY  ,YO  RAN-DOM *

YOUNG BUT *

[psst  I need  a WHALE  of a MAN *

and he better know to FLOAT *

  MY  BOAT *

[now  can you.

  wise up *

love  you..

i have been  [ TOLD *

I DO OWN A POWER  WASHER *

[[OH  ANOTHER HOT  

[ONE  TODAY,,

CAN YOU BEAR  

MY  [BUT *

UP THERE  

IN YOUR  HILL..

I LOVE  THE MOUNTAINS *

URIQU+AI  FACING  COLOMBIA *

ITS IGLESIA * [Very young  country of [ HENRY [the 8th *

  [history ]   just as ME *

[ILOVE MY MEN *]

THE  [LOLA]  *

LIFE IS GOOD *

Answer 7

I AGREE WIT YOU 99%''

Answer 8

Original and funny.