Her daddy just makes her cry?

Question

My husband works away during the week and during this time, our daughter is the most happy and contented little girl ever - I'm not exaggerating when I say she literally does not cry. Now I'm not saying I'm a super parent, but we just go by her cues - as soon as she's tired or hungry, it's dealt with so there's no need for tears. But I'm finding the times when he's home really stressful. I love him to pieces but he'll do things like throw her around or tickle her when she's just woken up which makes her cry, or make loud noises when she's trying to go to sleep which means she can't get to sleep, or get her out of her highchair in the middle of me feeding her dinner which means she then won't go back in and finish it. It feels to me like the whole time he is home, she is upset. How do we deal with this??

Answer 1

tell him that this is what he does and it annoys you and disrupts your daughters routine and then work out a way he could spend time with his daughter but not make her cry

Answer 2

Talk to him, and ask him why he does it, and to please stop.

You might find that he tells you he has trouble with the entire household's weekend being tied into whatever her ladyship's next whim is.

Try and do things all three of you together - starting with mealtimes. If you're all sitting down eating together he won't be getting her out of the high chair, will he? At 10mo there should be a reasonable degree of self-feeding going on here.  If she goes to sleep in her own cot, rather than wherever she happens to fall over, it'll be harder for him to wake her up, or to fling her aound the minute she wakes.

I can see he temptation when it's just you and her to just organise the whole of life around her timetable, but life can't and shouldn't be like that. It's not altogether healthy; you might not agree now, but you will when she's still doing it at 8yr and you have 2 other kids all trying to do the same thing. The watchword is compromise. She's a trainee people, remember.

Answer 3

It's very important for dad to have his quality time with her too and it sounds as though he's really trying to do this.  Maybe he's not going about it at the right times but he's a new parent too and these babies don't come with manuals.  He's not home all week to know what your routine is so help him out.  Get him involved with the routine - let him feed her and help him through it - not do it for him - help him.  She's his baby as well.  Let him be a father.  Dont' be too hard on him.  Sometimes we moms feel we're the ONLY one that can meet our babies needs.  We have to give up that control sometimes and let others help out as well.  Even if he doesn't do it exactly as you do - step back and give him a chance to be the loving dad it appears he's trying to be.

Answer 4

Daddy sounds like a sick f***. Why would he interupt her meal or try to keep her from going to sleep? Is he jealous of your relationship with your daughter? This is NOT normal behaviour. Tell dad to get his s**+* together or find another place to go on the weekends. Your daughter is depending on you.

Answer 5

You have a routine while he's away.Good,it's needed.

But you have to think of it from his side.He's away all week and wants to be part of his daughters life when he's home.You have 7 days with her,he has 2 at the most.

Try thinking of it this way.You were away for the wekk and only see her at weekends.What would you do?Time is precious for both parents.

Try talking about it.Good luck x

Answer 6

Don't worry! I know what you mean...your hubby doesn't mean it. He just lacks experience and gets frustrated so gives up quick (ie picks her up then walks away after 5mins). My husband was the same whereas when me and my daughter were out doing stuff alone together I'd feel such a bond with her.

Everything changes and gets easier as they grow! My daughter is now almost two and she has an equal bond with her daddy now as she does with me, although I still get annoyed at him because sometimes he'll still ignore her when she's talking to him and that.

It did help that I went back to work when she was 19mths so he had to look after her and they learn't their own ways together. Sounds like your fella could do with some lone time with your daughter too!

Answer 7

i so feel for u, i went thro the same thing as u and ending up cracking as the last thing i wanted to do was upset my husband or make him feel like a bad parent as hes far from it.

but u do need to talk to ur husband bout these issues as yhey will only make u feel worse about the whole situation and the worst ever and break ur relaionship up and thats the last thing u want.

tell him how u feel, how u do things when hes away and that u r stressed out by the way ur baby is always crying cuz hes disturbing her the routine shes in. he may not even realise hes doing it as its his way of showing how much he has missed u both-men have a funny way of thinking and its their kind of way of trying to take the stress off u and not realising that its just making things worse with no intention of upsetting u.

but the sooner u sit down and talk to him about it the better and do tell him what u expect from him, things like not taking her out of her highchair while shes having dinner and leaving her alone to wake up properly b4 he trows her in the air and tickles her and being quiet while she is trying to sleep, he will understand, my husband did as i had to make him realise how much things were upsetting me, but dont ever be scared to tell him to wait to do things with ur baby.

hope this helps and good luck i really do feel for u x*x

Answer 8

Why doesn't he feed her when he's there on the weekends? that way he won't feel the need to pick her up.  Not sure what else to suggest but it would annoy me too!  Have you sat down and explained to him what the problem is and how important routine is to babies and if it's disrupted it really upsets them?

Answer 9

You must make allowances for her Dad...he sounds like he is being left out. Your routine CANNOT stay the same when he is home...you must let him in. Put your daughter for naps upstairs now/....she is big enough. Daddies do play loudly and roughly it is part of the balance necassary for healthy children.

Answer 10

it sounds like your way more used to her cycle of things than he is, just que him in. if he's not around as often its hard for him to know. he'll get the hang of it though.

Answer 11

i know exactly how you feel, my son is like that with his daddy. i don't really know what to tell you, i wish i did. i have tried to let my husband know things and he just gets mad at me. so i have gotten to the point, where he is going to have figure it out himself, or listen to him cry. good luck, and i am interested to see what answers you get.

Answer 12

Maybe you should sit with him and tell him how you feel. im sorry when i say this but maybe he does not know what he is doing wrong?

I would tell him that you are about to put her down and ask him to sit and watch something on the tv with you or maybe he can get a model or something to make during this time. something nice and quiet. maybe tell him that you might think that he is a lil rough with her cause she is a girl... show him how to play dollie or blocks with her instead? removing her from her chair while eating isnt good. I would tell him that she is about to eat and ask him if he would like to get her ready. Make him apart of it. then tell him he can get her down soon as she is done.

maybe he does not know that this is not normal for her. I know when i am home with my son i am dealing with almost the same thing when his daddy comes home. were working on it as we speak.

Answer 13

You're gonna have to train them both. Start with her meals: when she's eating, and he comes her way, tell her (loud enough for him to hear!!) "Here comes Daddy! You'd better finish eating so he can play with you!" Then physically prevent him  from taking her if need be.  Remind your daughter during the week what it's like when Daddy's around. Pick her up and tickle her now and again, and tell her, "This is what Daddy's gonna do when he sees his little girl because he loves her!" Show her pics of him, have him talk to her on the phone, whatever it takes to remind her of him. She's young enough that you can also steal one of his shirts for the day and let her smell him (or spray some of his cologne around?). The more she's reminded during the week, the easier it'll be for her when her father's around.

Answer 14

she senses you getting uptight and feeds off it ..I betcha

Answer 15

I have the same problem that my daughter is so well behaved with me then plays up when Daddy is around and she has even said at times "i wish daddy would stop annoying me" she hates having her feet tickled but that dosent stop him  and he'll say "i'm only playing with her" which to i reply " i can't see her laughing and i don't think she is enjoying it much"

Talk to him when your daughter is in bed explain what is happening but understand your husbands point if veiw he must miss her terribly when he is away all the time tell him when you know she is ready to have fun time like after a feed or half an hour AFTER she has woken up and is feeling refreshed.

Also understand it from your daughters view that this man is not around all the time and he could becomming a stranger..maybe put a photo of him next to her bed or cot (i don't know how old she is) and get her to say night night to him every night and tell her all the time that "that's your daddy and he misses and loves you very much" she'll get to understand who this man is and ask him to ring just before bedtime so she can either listen to his voice or even talk to him..

I feel for you and it is hard when they are away but my little girl is 4 and is always on the phone to her daddy when he is away.

p.s but don't you find the house is tider when there not around?? LOL.  good luck and i hope something will be sorted out for you soon. xx

Answer 16

I think your husband is doing something wrong, and he should not force a feeling or an emotion to come out because it is right.

Answer 17

I think you are in great tune with your daughter, and you both obviously are having a fantastic time together. She knows the routine you have for her, and you know exactly what she needs and wants.

With your husband away so much of the time he is not privy to any of this, so is way behind with the do's and don't of your baby.

You need to steer him in the right direction, gently cue him in on when to and when not to. Make sure he is aware of what you are doing and how you want him to help. Maybe get him to feed baby, change baby etc. so he can bond and understand the hands on stuff that you are doing every day.

He is obviously trying to make up for lost time away, so is putting all the play into his time with your daughter, which is understandable, but he has to respect the routine and ways you and your little girl are doing things.

I think you need to teach him, so that he can fit in with you and baby. But also appreciate that he has missed you both and wants to all over you when he is home.

Good luck.

xx

Answer 18

Sounds like you need to have a seriously honest discussion with your husband.  Explain that you understand he must miss her terribly, but bottom line is you and him have to do what's best for your little one.  Maybe he just doesn't know how to really relate to her....so he needs some cues from you.  Set some rules you can both live with....no disrupting her dinner, but perhaps afterdinner they do some quiet play together.  Good luck with this...i hope it works out.

Answer 19

u should tell your husband the truth.

its the best solution to your problem.

the sooner u tell him, the better.