Here is a day in the sun poem. Would you please comment?

Question

Who do you see?

By Jonni F.

Who do you see,

when you look at me?

Do you see the child,

I used to be?

Smiling and bright eyed,

heart full of trust,

I'm afraid that child

has turned to dust.

Issues and drama,

I've paid that price,

but changing my past?

I'd have to think twice.

What do you see,

when you look at me?

Do you see the life,

laid out for me?

Daughter and mother,

sister, saint,

I lived that life

with no complaint.

I changed my mind,

don't want to play.

Couldn't live my life that way.

So who do you see,

when you look at me?

Do you see the woman,

I've chose to be?

Follow new rules,

for this half of my life,

learn to accept

stress, struggle and strife.

I put on this face

for all to see.

I like what I see,

when I look at me.

Answer 1

awesome, i love it.  it's very real, passionate, and inspiring.

Answer 2

Well said with a nice flow.  My compliments.

Answer 3

I love to write poety myself.  I think you could publish this poem.  I too think you need 4 lines.  Very good!!!!!!  Don't stop!

Answer 4

I like the poem a great deal, I only had one small gripe and it was these lines

I changed my mind,

don't want to play.

Couldn't live my life that way.

All the others stanzas were 4 lines, so when I came to this three line part it threw me off.

perhaps:

I changed my mind

dont want to play

I couldn't live

my life that way

Maybe something like that would work, just a thought

Answer 5

Oooh...I liked this, really identified with it.

Made that decision myself at 45...

really liked it too for a long while

but now at 58, not so sure anymore

if I still like what I see.

You go girl!

ma

Answer 6

You leave the 3 line stanza exactly as it is!  The very fact it is differrent is what makes it a great line when it is saying you chose to live by your rules!

As Bacon said, "There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in it's proportion."

I like this a lot.

Answer 7

I think it's great. I hope the day comes for me when I like what I see when I look at myself.

Answer 8

So now you have form, rhyme and even punctuation. You're also cutting down on useless and powerless words. A for effort.

Now, let's talk about "imagery." For example: "turned to dust" is an image usually used for death ("dust to dust," etc.). You use that well, showing the reader that the child within has died. Then you show the child resurrected as a woman. This is what poetry should do.

Oh, and by the way, not all stanzas in a poem need to be of equal length.

Answer 9

you're getting better all the time.

why is stanza 6 only 3 lines when all the rest are 4?

Also in stanza 7, I think what you wanted to say is "I've chosen to be"

Your subject on self discovery is excellent and shows a lot of introspective thought.  Keep up the good work!

Answer 10

Bravo! Perfect and a great answer to your question.

one typo

I've chose to be? <-- chosen

Write more!

T.

Answer 11

I see a woman who is at peace with herself.Well written.I can relate.

Answer 12

Awesome, really it is well put together.

Answer 13

I love your poem. It testifies to many of our own personal struggles as a child, a young adult and then coming into our own when we become adults.  Like the other Yahoo responder, I, too, was thrown by the three-line stanza "I've changed my mind, don't want to play...how about...

I've changed my mind

Don't want to play

I've decided that

I couldn't live my life that way......

It's a greatttttttt poem...very powerful.  

Answer 14

Its good!!!