Here is a poem I wrote, can you please tell me what you think? it is rather important to me

Question

If you hate it please tell me why

If you like it please tell me why

I built my house upon the sand

I built my house upon the sand on the beach shore

I couldn’t see ahead to the fate that becomes poor

I couldn’t see the waves crashing down

I put my fate in the hands of the untrustworthy

But I couldn’t see it would be the hands

By which I would drown

I built my house upon the sand

I built my house out of this sand

This pure white sand

The sound of the devils advocates

Whispering in my ear

There is nothing to fear

The ocean is a controllable beast

Upon your house it shall not feast

They were liars

But that I could not see

I was blinded by ignorance

Blinded by what I thought should be

As the water now fills my lungs

My warning to you is

Only this

Do not build house upon the sand

Build it upon the stone

On which generations had stood

Build it upon the stone

That could

Never move

It is your corner stone

It is your only hope

Answer 1

sounds deep i like the whole repeating thing you've got going.  

Answer 2

wow thats really good !  

Answer 3

It paints an interesting moody picture.  You should take a look and edit it.  Some places are too wordy.  Work on lines 2,3 and 5.  I like it.

Answer 4

I like they way you put this together, keep it up!

:)

Answer 5

It's pretty confusing, a little more punctuation, more adjectives.

But other than that, it was pretty good. Like, it wasn't fantabulous, but it's a good start. Work on it a little more, and it'll probably be great.

Answer 6

I agree look at lines 2,3, and 5 because they are more wordy than the rest of the poem thus making the stylistic choices seem less cohesive. Also, i don't like the choice of the phrase "the fate that would be poor" in line 2. maybe another word other than poor that doesn't sound as if youre trying too hard to make it rhyme?

I would also look at the second to last line. I don't like how you said "it is your corner stone" because it's like you are saying "[the house built on stone] is your corner stone." To me, it just sounds repetitive, and a bit awkward.

but i love the images of the sand and stone and ocean that you utilize - i can really picture what you are saying and the emotion you are feeling.

I honestly really adore this poem. Keep writing, PLEASE!

Answer 7

poweful i enjoyed it. (i love poetry.)

Answer 8

yeah, its nice...but a poem doesnt need to rhyme always... :)