Here is another poem!?

Question

Blank pages, big mistakes, and drowning

In the water, he always says what I want to

Hear with his twisted words, well i'm going

In deeper

But do I jump in? falling off a four story building

Are you the cable that holds me or the guy that

Pushes me off? flipping through the book are

You the superhero that saves the girl or kills the

Girl? make up the choice, the choice is today

I was so afraid of not knowing, but because of

You I might not want to know, so I tell myself to

Move along and make it through but because

Of you I stop everytime and never make it

Answer 1

Nice poem. BTW don't take any negative comments. They only hinder you from writing your own style.

Answer 2

I like your poem but your form is a bit strange for a poem, but nerveless what you have written is good!! Cheers !!!

Answer 3

Please don't be offended. I may be wrong.

I have redone the poem how I would do it (duh). Here:

Blank pages, big mistakes, and drowning (is this line supposed to be connected to the other? like, drowning in the water, not '... big mistakes, and drowning, in the water, he always...'

In the water, he always says what I want to

Hear with his twisted words, well, I'm going

In

deeper

But do I jump in? Falling off a four story building

Are you the cable that holds me or the one who (I think 'one who' sounds more sincere then 'guy that')

Pushes me off? flipping through the books are

You the superhero that saves the girl or kills her?

Make up the choice, the time is today (I wasn't sure-- the choice is today? He chose that?)

I was so afraid of not knowing, but because of

You I might not want to know, so I tell myself to

Move along and make it through but because

Of you I stop every time and never

make it.

I didn't change much because it is fabulous! I love how you are comparing him to a cable, and the part about flipping through a book and him being superhero or not. The description is perfect. Keep writing! And I really mean it. And I say that to many people, it might seem, but that's because their poetry is wonderful! And so is yours!

Answer 4

If you want my opinion, it's a masterpiece. But committing suicide because one girl doesn't give you undivided attention is silly. Can I show you a different song version? Peter Gabriel would sing of this man who doesn't want to lose love...

TOUCH

There was some news

About another drowning

For the pain it was relief,

The blank pages

Filled with words

Over your head and going deep

I could picture silent anger

And the moments of mistakes.

We all return to swim the water

Past the undertow and breaks

BRIDGE

The choices ain't easy

The choices we make today

It never is

It never will be,

So afraid of knowing

Is in time to move along?

The superhero

Can't save us all!

CHORUS:

Can you imagine

Falling from the mountain?

We all are junkies looking for the rush,

Hand on the bible

Love is not my disciple

We all don't get to feel

A loving touch

PIANO INTERLUDE

BRIDGE

The choices ain't easy

The choices we make today

It never is

It never will be,

So afraid of knowing

Is in time to move along?

The superhero

Can't save us all...  NO!

PIANO INTERLUDE

BAGPIPE SUSTAIN

BAGPIPE SUSTAIN LOOPS

CHANT:

I try to stop it all

But I can't make it

And I feel naked

I cannot make it

MUSIC FADES OUT

I try to stop it all

But I can't make it

And I feel naked

I cannot make it

I try to stop it all

But I can't make it

And I feel naked

I cannot make it

Answer 5

Wow, yours is so much better than mine!

It really portrays an image in my mind...WOW

Answer 6

OMG!!!! IT'S SOOOOO GOOD!!!!!!!! THE BEST I'VE EVER READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just add more commas for the pauses in your poem.

Answer 7

it didnt really seems like a poem to me