Here is my story tell me what you think?

Question

I find myself sitting in a little fast food restraunt in Walmart watching people go by and people buying their christmas gifts for the upcoming holiday. I become so distracted that I barley notice a helpless employee being yelled at by a customer for some stupid reason. The need to stand up for the employee overtakes me and I slowly get up to do so and told the customer to stop giving the kid such a hard time. Even though the customer threaten to call the courts and stomped off. I find myself leaving the store thinking about how many people would pass by and not stand up for that employee. At the same time I hear people saying that they want to help the world be a better place.I know there is nice people but there are not enough of them in the world. The advice I can give in this matter is we must not fall for the trap of living in such comfort we lose our spine and won't be able to help this great country we live in. Next time you hear someone calling someone a loser or you see a helpless person being bullied by some hooligan remember that they need your help you may be the only one who will do that.This world is so divided that we must one by one unite in love and a common sense of humanity.Then we will see what we can truly become as a society. The other reward is the felling of making this world a better place to live.

Answer 1

You're a candidate to become the next superman

Answer 2

You know it...i always wondered, if you can't even get peace between a man and a woman than how the h**l do you think you can get world peace.....i think we have to start small achive our goals, and then go for the big..

Answer 3

hard luck. not everybody thinks the way you do. there are just too many types of people.

Answer 4

Sometimes I think customers get abusive cause they know that the employees can't say anything back in their defense. It's not so much the store, it's the people that go there. I've seen alot of people that are "Losers" and they're trying to load their problems on everyone else. and the way they handle their kids. OMG, no kid should have to go through that. If this keeps up, this  world is truly falling apart.

Answer 5

It's a nice story and I don't want this to come off the wrong way, but, if you want responses regarding your ability to write...I think you should try a different category. I don't think people understand that you are asking about your writing style and not about the situation in your story.

But off the top of my head, just glancing over it...I would recommend adding transitions (however, thus, consequently, therefore) because it makes for a smoother read.