Hey, I'm new to this, but I'd really like some advice on my son's birthmother?

Question

Well our son is nearly 4, we adopted him 2 years ago but he's been with us thru foster care since 8 weeks.

Our son's birthmom has been having some supervised visits with him lately, and we email her on occasion as well.

Well lately she's been asking us for money, she tells us she can't pay rent, buy food etc. We didn't send her any money because we were real unsure of the ethics of it, but we did send some food and a store credit voucher to her.

She's been emailing us constantly, telling us we need to send her more photos and letters about Lleyton, even though every 3 weeks or so we send her photos, and I email her every couple weeks. The thing is she never seems interested in what we have to say about him, and we've really gone out of our way to provide her with visits with him (we had to go to court to arrange supervision). But whatever we do she just wants more, but she doesn't want anything to do with Lleyton?

Answer 1

You have to ask yourself the question, how did Lleyton end up in foster care in the first place? And how do most children end up in foster care today?  The answer: drug-abusing parent(s). I strongly suspect the birth mother of drug abuse and she has found an avenue of manipulation in your charity.

My recommendation: stop providing her with any support. Suggest to her that she seek assistance through a church, charitable organization, or government agency. You may even boldly suggest to her that if she has a drug habit, she should seek treatment immediately. She may disappear if she's called out.

Most of all, stop responding to her emails, telephone calls, and any other form of communication she may send. Feeling sorry for her should not be a motivation to maintain contact with her. If she was or is under supervised visits, there must be a reason that still exists. Limit her contact with Lleyton and only under supervision, if visits are required in your adoption contract. Her behavior is highly suspect and I would be gravely concerned for any possible negative and lasting effects her interactions with Lleyton may have on him if you give her permission to see him in your absence, should she have a drug problem.

My best to you and yours.

Answer 2

Stop responding to her requests for food or money.  Pointedly tell her you are not interested in her personal welfare only the welfare of your son.

You are being played and used in regards to the love and compassion you have for your adopted son,

You are good people; don't get drawn into the drama and trama of this woman!

Answer 3

Don't send her money, you have no reason to do this for her. Just take great care of your kid.

Answer 4

She is taking advantage of you.  You are not responsible for her.  She has found you are kind people but you are going to have to put a stop to it at some point.  If she is not interested in "your son" stop the visits, he does not need anyone like that in his life.  Sounds like he got lucky when you chose him.

Answer 5

I wouldn't give her any money. Does she have mental or drug or alcohol abuse problems?

Answer 6

Just ignore her. If she has access to email, she has money for food. Do not give her anything. I wouldn't bother letting her visit, she's just trying to disrupt your life. She may have given birth to him, but you are his mother. If you feel she is harassing you go to court and force her to stop.

Answer 7

It definitely sounds like there's a problem. And unfortunately you are dealing with a very delicate situation and it sounds like she is taking advantage of you and using the relationship in whatever way she can to benefit herself. Chances are this is not going to just go away or fix itself. She knows how to make you feel guilty and she feels like she deserves somethiing from you, and you haven't been able to establish boundaries and a healthy relationship with her -- which may really mean no relatinship with her at all. How old is she? What is her job situation? Do you have any way of knowing if drugs or alcohol are involved? Taking care of her in any way is not your responsibility. You adopted her child and you owe her big time for giving birth to him (by owe her, I mean on an emotional level) but, you do not need to spend money or time or energy taking care of her in any way at all. She is a grown up and she cna take care of herself; and if she can not take care of herself she needs to find a way to do it without you. I don't know where you live but, there is a place in Cambridge, Massachusetts that is called "Center for Family Connections." They are an organization that deals with all the issues of adoptive families -- they don't do adoptions but, they offer services and counseling for eveyone involved with adoption, I would suggest you call them and ask for advice. Good luck.

Answer 8

Try to get the birth mother out of the picture. I'm sure your child wouldn't care either way. She is using you, and probably has some type of substance abuse problem. Her actions sound like the natural of someone who is abusing something. And for that reason you should not have her around your child. Continue to be a great parent and contact an attorney to reverse the visitation rights. Save all those emails, and receipts for the vouchers. That women needs help. I have been taking care of my nephew since he was one he is now fifteen. My sister is addicted to crack, and no matter how much we have tried to help her or she all the times she has been incarcerated, nothing has helped. Whenever she comes around she wants nothing to do with her son, it's always about money,food, a place to stay, or can I give her a ride. My nephew at 15 wants nothing to do with her, which we feel at this point is a good thing.

When we have let her stay at our home on occasions, she has given or nephew alcohol. So beware..... were in some what of the same situation. Except I'm dealing with my sister, who by the way was ordered to stay away.

Good luck!

Answer 9

It sounds like she is taking advantage of your kindness and honesty.I would seek some sort of legal advice.

Answer 10

can you report her to the people who do the supervision??  Sounds like she is very irresponsible.  Apparently she was not responsible enough to take care of him in the first place.  The only reason she would need money is because she's probably not living right.  It's not your responsibility to ease her guilt or to support her financially.  Sounds like your child is very lucky that you have him.  I would only do what is required in the visitation agreement.  She could get a camera and take pictures of him herself on visiting day if she were so concerned.  I wish you luck.

Answer 11

First of I would like to say you did a great thing by adopting. I am adopted and I thank my lucky stars I was adopted by a great family. You are not obligated to give her a SINGLE THING! Remind her that you are doing this out of the niceness of your heart and she should be grateful, it would be different if she was using the groceries to feed Lleyton but she is not. If she is over 18 you should cut her off with money ( not pictures) you have a child to feed and provide for. She is not your responsibility. Stop feeling sorry for her. You only enable her to grow up and resume responsibly for herself. And if her main concern isn't Lleyton you need to keep a safe distance from her so she doesn't abuse your kindness and remember your son will realize when he is older what a blesses little boy he was to be adopted my people who love him and always put HIS needs first. Good luck and stay firm with your decisions. If she sees your weaknesses she'll play them to the full.

Answer 12

You do not owe her food or a store voucher.  You should only have a relationship through the child and that's it.  Send her info about him and pictures nothing else.  If you keep doing this she will take full advantage of you and you will find yourself suffering and YOUR child will be subjected to the abuses of neglect that already got him where he is now.

Answer 13

don't ever give her money, she'll just want more and more. as for photos and emails, the amount you're giving just now is more than enough.

Answer 14

wow- I'd say you're going above and beyond.

My boyfriend pays child support for his daughter, and we've asked her to send pictures quite frequently.. we haven't seen a picture of her in over a year... it's sad.

I wouldn't send her any more money or food stuff. You're already taking care of her child, she can go to the homeless shelter or food stamps for stuff like that.

Sounds like she is totally using you guys. Since you legally adopted Lleyton, he's yours now. I can understand you not wanting to deprive her of seeing her son, but it isn't her son anymore, he's your son.

I'd say you should slowly start to cut ties, and should have since the adoption. I wouldn't be sending pictures of my son to anyone that frequently, and I understand the circumstances are different, but still-- she got herself out of the picture, it's not your fault.

I'm glad he's in a better situation now, foster parents who adopt are great! A lil 8 week old is so tiny to be taken from his parents, I say she already missed out on her opportunity & you benefited from it.

That's sad she's using your son to send notes home- is it even in the adoption papers that you have to let her see him? I wouldn't. I would NOT trust her with him, especially if you're about to cut ties, she might get angry & she knows how much Lleyton means to you guys.

Good luck cutting ties, I'd start by changing your e-mail address.

Answer 15

you main worrie should be on the child not the birth mother cut the strings with the birth mother and do only the minimum the law requires of you there are lots of government aid she can receive for food housing and care you main attention should be on the child and the child only.

Answer 16

she's using you

Answer 17

just tell her no. tell her that while you want her around that you are not a bank and can't continue to give her money or store credit. it's rude of her even to ask but my mom is a social worker and i know how most of the people act. she is just using you so just stop giving in. if you really don't want to say anything to her then just ignore her request, change emails, and when she ask in person just say oh we can't afford it sorry.

Answer 18

Block her emails, or bounce them back, she is only trying to see what she can get out of you, what you have done has been very wise,Keep copy of every thing , is she allowed to have see your son? Just keep up the supervised visits, only with some one you trust. Tell her if she keeps up with the annoyance , you will extend her visit rights.Don't be bluffed by her. You have your son to think of, he comes first, he will end up being confused and upset.

Answer 19

If you are fostering you have no obligation towards this woman.  Don't let her suck you dry.  She sounds like a scammer.  Get in touch with child protective services and report this.

Answer 20

I think here you have proven a situation where it may not be best to have birthmother involved and may have to alter the open agreement.  

I am not saying cut her out but you need to put strong boundaries around her.  If a birthmother and/or father wants to be involved they need to respect your role as parent, they need to show up when they say they will, and they cannot contstantly phonne etc. to disrupt your life.

I do think maybe she is having a hard time with what has happened.  Was the child volunintarily given up? What were the circumstances of your child being in foster care?  YOu have to weight all of these things and do what is best for your child.  What is best is hopefully she can get some help, learn boundaries and stay involved, but if not you have the right to alter the open agreement, you have to do what is best for your child.

As for money and food, please direct her to nearest foodbank and social agencies.  We have been in this situation and we had to set firm boundaries and send the parent (of our foster children) away and keep our relationship on a different level.  

I am glad you brought this question up because there are two stories to open adoption and why adopted parents may choose to alter open agreements.

Good luck!

Answer 21

Can you get back in contact with your son's caseworker?  It sounds like you're going to need a little more help.  Please take any answers you get on here with a grain of salt (since your state might not allow certain things, and we are not your son's caseworker, therefore cannot give the "right" advice - you really need to get a professional involved here).  However, if I were the caseworker, I would probably suggest putting some distance between your family and the birth mother for awhile.  Yes, visits and contact between your son and his first mother are very important, but he was placed with you for a reason - she is unable to parent.  You are responsible now to make sure he's safe, and her behavior does not sound "safe" to me.  I don't mean that she is physically harming him, but mentally.  It sounds like you need to lay down some very firm boundaries with your son's first mother, and then slowly re-start contact, reinforcing your new boundaries every time they are violated.  The number one boundary I'd put in place here is "the only contact between a'family and b'mom is for the purpose of Lleyton knowing his family".  Which means, you don't support the b'mom, you have no responsibility there.  Your responsibility is for the safety and well being of your son, period.

I would recommend not cutting off contact all together, but you could cut it down to just email or snail mail until you are able to work something out that will be for the benefit of all involved.  This way, you can decide not to reply if the purpose of the email violates your boundaries (i.e. if it's not in the best interest of your son).  But don't do this alone.  If your son's former caseworker can't get involved again, s/he could probably recommend someone who can help.

Answer 22

I'm trying to understand just how the birth mother can get visitaion when you adopted this little boy much less get's pictures money ect..

  If you truly have adopted this child you need to get some things right with her by telling her your not a ATM so no more money is coming her way. If she needs Food get on Food stamps but I bet she is using the monry you send her for other things. All your doing is taking away from the child.

   It's good your trying to help her but you can only help so long. Just tell her your ATM machine is broke.

Answer 23

Don't send her anything, she is using you. You don't owe her anything, she sounds a little mental. Don't cut her out of your sons life but limit contact. She needs counceling.

Answer 24

she's playing on your emotions and that is so unfair.u dont owe her anything. u did more than enough by giving her son a place in your home, as well as your heart. she knows you've open up to that little boy and that u love him as your own & is using that to take advantage of u. i suggest that u become more assertive now already, coz soon she'll start requesting bigger thing. i know this sounds harsh, but she is not your responsibility and u should make her understand that. i'm sure she's capable of lifting her behind & becoming self efficient by working.

Answer 25

I don't think keeping in touch with her is in anyones best interest..not for your son or for his birth mother and definatly not you and ur husband....I say set a strict boundry and slowly but surely stop the contact....first stop the visitations then slowly after a few months of sending letters and pics....stop it all completly.....also I hope she doesn't know where u live...if so....I would consider moving......its not a healthy thing going on here.

Answer 26

I agree that possibly the caseworker can help mediate here.  It is ethical to continue the open adoption agreement.  However, the adoption is final so you have no obligation to support the first mom.  Mediation could also help get her set up with services to provide her some type of support  from agencies, churches and the like, if that's what she wants.  Start with the caseworker and see what s/he can do.  If anything s/he could lead you to the source that can help everyone in resolving this issue.

Answer 27

This does not sound like a healthy situation for you all or your son.  I would personnel cut contact at least temporarily, get a new email address but keep the birthmothers email on file.  I don’t find your son’s birthmothers behavior appropriate. As you said she rarely shows up for visits after you all were generous enough to allow them. You’ve said she is not truly interested in your son’s life. It also seems clear that she is using him as pawn if she is giving him notes to give to you to ask for money.  If your sending photo every 3 weeks that is far more then some birthparents get yet she is not pleased with this.

If you provide this woman with anything it should be job applications or information on government assistances such as food stamps.  Because it is not your job to financially provide for this woman. She is clearly taking advantage of you all.  In the end nothing will be enough even if you were generous and gave her money for say two  months rent, she would expect you to continue to pay for her rent and probably it would go to other things, clothing, gas money etc. In fact if I were you and were going to give her 2months rent money I would give it directly to her landlord.

After a few months you can try to talk to this woman again but you need rules and boundaries.  If she does not change her behavior or does not want to abide by this rules and boundaries set up. I would cut contact all together. As this would clearly not be a healthy open adoption for anyone especially your son. What happens when he is older and also starts to realize that “Mandy” his birthmother does not take interest in him, or that she rarely comes to visit him when she is scheduled to.