Heyyy help me please!!! i need a laugh ?

Question

heyy um can ya plz tell me some jokes that will make me laugh.. i need a good laugh please help me.um dirty jokes are always good!!!

oh and does anyone know how to make a she-pee or a p-mate or something similar. or a way so a girl can pee standing up easily with out getting it everywhere!! cheers plz help. good jokes only. 10 points for funniest joke or best answer 4 pee question

Answer 1

Well for the girl standing up and peeing. You should use a funnel.

Here are some links for jokes

http://www.jokes2go.com/top-100-jokes.ht...

http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate

father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to

arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be

here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby

photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of

babies"

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is

fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we

try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different

angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"

"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in

and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"  

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his

baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their

mother was so difficult to work with"

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job

done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get

a good look"

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The

mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the

squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,

um......equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we  

can get to work."

"Tripod?????"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for

me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's

fainted!!"

Answer 2

well its not really a joke but i thought it was funny.

so me and my friend went to go to get her lip pierced and she thought the guy that was goin' to do it was the sexiest thing she has ever seen.

so she sits down and he is talking about music and stuff and she is like eye rapin' him. so he is getting ready to put the needle in and right when he does she say "oh baybay hurt me" i thought i was going to die u should have seen the look on his face it was like wow did u really jsut say that well ok.

then he just kinda smiled and said "n e time."

LMFAO

it was great.