Hi me & my hubby r gng for adoption but i dread the society & its insensitive qsts & comments.pls advice.?

Question

we would wana keep the source of our adoption under wraps for a while but don't know how to make people mind their own business and not pry into the details of the baby's adoption..pls help as i'm hypersensitve by nature so don't wana hurt eachday by people's comments and curious questions.

Answer 1

I've learned that those rude and insensitive comments are usually not ment to be so. I us that as a opportunity to educate someone about what they are commenting about.

Good luck to you.

Answer 2

If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.  There are lots of books, articles, blogs, groups, etc. dedicated to helping people deal with society's (not always "insensitive") views of adoption, if you're interested.  But it's not about YOUR feelings, it's about the CHILD's feelings.  If you're too sensitive to deal with others' feelings, don't bring a child home.  They have feelings, too, and you're going to have lots and lots of extra feelings to deal with  from a child who's life started out with abandonment.

Answer 3

Dear Dolly,

I do not mean to sound insensitive or rude but I wonder if you shouldn't seek help with dealing with your OWN issues with adoption before becoming responsible for a child and needing to place their concerns and needs before your own. Your question makes it sound as though you are preoccupied with your own feelings rather than those of your potential child.

I have the deepest sympathy for your feelings and am sorry you feel such reservation about revealing your adoption plans and possible situation with others. I am sure that as a potential adoptive parent you have fears and concerns as to how you will feel and how your adoption will be recieved among many other things. Your reluctance to be open about your situation makes me feel that adoption is not your first choice for forming your family and that you are not wholly comfortable with it.

Children, even infants, can sense stress and will be aware of behaviors and unspoken feelings you may not think they can pick up on. If you show that you are uncomfortable with your adoption, your child will know it and it will make he or she uncomfortable too.

Adoption can be a very beautiful thing if everyone is educated and honest. Adoption should be about the child and your utmost concern should be your CHILD'S feelings and needs. You should make sure that YOU are comfortable with the idea being an adoptive parent before you become one so that you can be the best parent you can be for your child! :)

Being a parent means sometimes getting your feelings hurt - even with biological children! Even bio kids yell "I HATE YOU, MOM!" sometimes. Will you be all right when your child says, "You aren't my REAL mom!" someday when you won't let them borrow the car?

Adoption is sometimes very emotional and there is pain involved for all its members. It is full of myths, misconceptions, stereotypes and sometimes even down right lies. (Of course so is any other situation, just not always to the same degree!) Adoption is complex, always evolving and full of issues and challenges. It takes a strong person to choose to be a part of this world (children do not have a choice which is why it is up to the adults to do their best!) and it, like parenting in general,  is a labor of love, even in its worst and most heartwrenching moments - if you love your child it will be WELL worth it!

There are a gazillion ignorant people walking around the planet who know nothing about adoption other than what they've seen in the movies or on tv. and say all sorts of idiotic things, but that does not mean it should detract from the love and beauty of your own situation or life!

I hope I haven't hurt you, I just think that honesty is one of the most important elements of adoption and am truly concerned for both you AND your potential child! I hope you and your family have a positive and joyful adoption experience and that you are able to find the strength to look past the people who don't get it and find that the love you will feel for your child makes those people as insignifigant as they really are!

Best wishes! :)

Answer 4

if you are havin any concerns about what other people will say, do, ask, or think then please stay as far from adopting as possible - for the kids sake - you should only adopt if you are ready to put the child first from BEFORE day one which means you wouldn't even have these concerns

Answer 5

Simply it's none of their d@mn business.

And if they persist ask uncomfortable questions about their children. LOL  It always works.

Answer 6

just be proud of what your doing. it is fantastic, we need more children adopted in this country!

Answer 7

Times, have changed and I feel people are more accepting where adoption is concerned, but some people are just nosy.

When we adopted out daughter 20 years ago, we received orders overseas, one of my co-workers asked if we were going to take her with us, and this was a so called, 'educated woman.

You don't have to share with anyone the circumstances of the adoption. Share with them the information you are comfortable with and let that be the end of it.

Answer 8

This would not be your issue to be sensitive about.  The details concerning the adoption are no one's business, and should not be disclosed to anyone outside of immediate family until your child is able to share what he/she is comfortable with.

This is not to say that you need to keep the adoption itself a secret, but the events surrounding the whys of adoption, if at all possible, should belong to the child, and should only be disclosed at his/her discretion when she/he gets old enough to do so.  

To clarify what I am trying to say...If the mother of the child was raped and the child was a product of rape, than of course, you need to keep that secret, do not use that fact to get sympathy, etc.  If you adopt from overseas and you have no information except (like in China) the abandoning information, (like the place the child was found, what he/she was dressed in, if there was a note...etc.) is something that should be special to the child, and should not be shared with the rest of the world before you can share it with the child.  

I hope I am making sense.

Other than that, be prepared for insensitive remarks from strangers (and even sometimes family).  People can be way nosy about adoption, and you should be only disclosing the information you are comfortable with (like when someone asks, in front of your child "What happened to her real parents?" or "Can't you have a child of your own?" etc) and also you need to come up with an answer to people who have no business asking, one that puts them in their place but also is sensitive to your child.

Good luck.

Answer 9

To be quiet honest I'm think of adopting and I didn't even think what my firends or society would think, b/c these are children and they need love and time and a parent you shouldn't care what others think.

Answer 10

People are always going to be curious if you plant the seed for the conversation to continue down that road. My advice would to avoid the subject. I was raised in a house that had a mixture of biological, adoptive, and foster kids. My foster parents just wouldn't allow the subject to go that far, and if it did, they would simply say that we were all their kids. most people would leave it at that.

Remeber a stern look also goes a long way if you run into a rude person that will not shut up about it.

Answer 11

Hi Dolly,

That's true that society can be insensitive towards adoption.  We all experience that, adoptive parents, adoptees, & first families.  This is mainly due to ignorance & old stereotypes that are still around.  Adoption is interesting.  People generally are curious and well-meaning when they ask.  Most do not realize what is disrespectful or off limits.

You may not be able to make people totally "mind their own business."  You can become more comfortable with answering questions by using those opportunities to help educate people about adoption.  There is a way to do that without revealing personal information about the child.  You can give out information about adoption that is general in nature.  Specific information about the child is his/hers alone to decide who to share that with later.  If people persist in asking for personal details, you can politely say that you and your husband intend to share that information with the child first when they are older.

I assure you that your child will appreciate that in the future.  Thanks for asking.  Hope this helps.

julie j

reunited adoptee