Hi thanks to all who answered me and gave advise to me about when I should tell my son that he was adopted.?

Question

My brother and I were adopted and we always knew it. I guess i left some thing out in my original question last week. I adopted my nephew. His birth mom volunteered to sign him over but I had to fight my only brother in court to take away rights etc.. They both had major drug issues and the baby would have ended up in the system. I couldn't let that happen so hubby and i fought in court and eventually adopted him. Thank God he is the light of my life. So the deal is 4 years later my bro is clean ( no drugs 18 months ) and we both have come to terms with everything and he is finally admitting that what happened was for the best. Last week i asked whats the best age to tell him. I know i have to start talking about it to him but what happens when he starts asking questions about it? How much detail or info should I give to him about the circumstances? I dont ever want to lie to him and i want him to know that he is adopted and very loved.

Answer 1

dont ever try and keep anything a secret. i have a beautiful daughter who is now 33 years old and we were always honest and up front about the adoption and answered any and all of her questions honestly with as much information that we had. our belief is that the child will find out the truth someday no matter what, but we wanted her to know the truth and to hear it from us not some nosy busy body

Answer 2

Like I always say, whatever is in the dark will always come out in the light.  I am an adoptee and my parents were always open and honest with me.  They gave me bits and pieces as I grew up, the more mature I became, the more info they gave me.  YOUR SON will find out one way or another in the future and you want that to come from YOU, not someone else.  I have heard stories about the child hearing from someone else and thats HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!! I can only imagine.  You can also seek counseling for both you and your husband AND the child when the time is right and they can help you through it to make it less tramatizing for the child.  One day they will want to know why their biological parents weren't a more active part of their lives.  They need to know the truth so they don't think that it was a reflection on them (the child).

I have also adopted a child as well so I can understand the delicacy of this from both stand points.  Some people desire to know their family history, I was one of them.  What I found out was shocking but it for sure closed some open voids in my life.  Pray to Jehovah for the know how and the right words to use, and work in harmony with your prayers.  Everything will be okay. You did a beautiful thing by giving that sweet little boy a better life. And just remember, you and your hubby are "THE REAL PARENTS" b/c you are the ones who raised him and were there for him when he was in need. Thats what "REAL PARENTS" !

Answer 3

I think it would be best to tell him all along. So he "always knew". It wouldn't be good to spring it on him at a specific age.

I was adopted at age 5. At the time, I knew what was happening, but I later 'forgot'. My family never talked to me about my  biological brothers till I was 15. It hurt a LOT that they never brought it up before that. It was like they were hiding it from me.

You are right-this child is now YOURS. He no longer belongs to your brother. YOU are his REAL Mommy.

I think you will find the right words to say. But I really think that those words should come soon. You do not need to confuse him with the real facts right now. Just bring it in little by little. In time, your son will understand, and appreciate what you have done for him. He will also come to appreciate your brother, and the fact that he is now clean.

I'm rootin' for ya!!

Good luck to you and your family!

Calista

Answer 4

I think it really depends on the children, some children will be able to process it sooner than others.  Only you can know when your son is ready to hear that he is adopted.

Answer 5

You should talk to your brother about what feels confortable in sharing with his son. Make sure you never say anything about his birth parents in a negative way, and always remind him that he is loved and that what his parents did was for his own good and was because they loved him so much ! "D

Answer 6

Well, I recently had a child in April 07.  She was placed up for an adoption with a family I have chose....so I kinda have feeling for this matter.  I don't get to see my daughter.  I only get pictures of her untill she is at age 1....then nothing.  If at 18, she wants to locate me on her own free will...she may do so.  The birth parents chose to live life letting her know that she is adopted.  The have a picture of me in her room, with a letter explaining my decision, my feelings and my love for her.  I think that it is good to tell a child, because eventually they will find out, and will be upset that they weren't told about the matter, like they were living a lie.  Now, should you tell the child who there birth parents are I would leave up to them.  Let them know there adopted, but no details UNTIL he/she comes and asks you.  Maybe the child only wants to know that, maybe now, the child doesn't care but knows and in the future would like to know.  Leave it to the child to pick weather he/she wants to know about her parents.  Yes, tell her about the adoption, but wait further until she is older, or ready, or understands and then let the CHILD DECIDE...if he/she wants to know then they'll ask, if they don't then you ovesially will know by them not comming to you.  All children are different and have differant feelings and you dont want to put to much on them when there not ready for it.  I hope this helps from a birth mothers point of view who recently gave her daughter up for adoption for a better future.

Answer 7

Buy him a toy he's really wanted and sit him down in the living room. Start out with: "I love you very much, but I'm not really your Mommy". Explain to him that his parents couldn't take care of him because they weren't ready, but your his real mom because you've took care of him for a long time. Keep on reminding him that you love him and that's why your letting him know.

Answer 8

My parents started out by telling my brother (my nephew before the adoption) that they went to the "baby store" and he was the cutest one, so they brought him home.  It was their way of introducing the idea that they didn't give BIRTH to him, but were still his parents.  As he grew and started asking more questions, they started answering more.  I think the question that FINALLY got things rolling was, "Mommy, if you picked me out from the store, but my brothers and sisters were from your tummy, does that mean I WASN'T from a tummy?"  That's when they started explaining that he WAS from a tummy, but that person wasn't able to care for him the way we could.  Etc, etc, etc.  

I don't know if this is the way other people would do it, but its what worked for us.  He's now 12 and is INCREDIBLY aware of everything.  He even knows who his birth mother is and talks to her on a regular basis.

Answer 9

I think it would be important to know that his father has or had a drug problem.  Addictions can be hereditary.  You don't have to put it that he shot up instead of raising him.  Just let him understand that addiction can make people make bad choices and this was not a good time for him to be a father. Something like this, may come out and plus there is some risk to him having problems with addiction and he needs know that it is better for him not to even try drugs.  God Bless you

Answer 10

I was 20 years old when I found out that the man who raised me was not my biological father.  You don't want to tell them too young or too old.  I believe a good window would be between 7-11 years old.  Younger than that and they probably won't completely understand anyway and telling them during the teenage years is a DEFINITE no no.  My mom missed the window and waited until I was older for which I am very grateful.  Telling a teenager will just cause them too much confusion when they are already trying to find their place in the world.  If he specifically asks about it sooner, I would tell him then.  Otherwise why bring it up if he's not ready.  As long as he's in a loving family thats all that matters.