Higher adoptee expectations?

Question

With adoption* costing so much today ($10-35K), are there more expectations (e.g. loyalty, achievement) for adoptees becuase their adoptive parents often went to great financial lengths to 'build' their family?

How could this not affect a family?

Is it fair?

*not foster-care adoption

Answer 1

I laughed when I read this question (no disrespect intended) but I can think of TONS of parents adoptive and birth/bio that have way too high expectations of their children.  I don't think it is a "higher" expectation issue.  

I do feel a-parents who adopt privately through an agency and pay this much may at times over do it by spoiling maybe...heck even for us in foster care have to be aware that that is a possible pitfall during bonding period.  

There are lots of children born of TTC whose parents paid over 100,000 and hopefully their expectation are not higher, who knows, maybe people who have this money to burn would have high expectations anyway.

Good question though.

Answer 2

I don't think the parents that adopt are or should ever think they are owed anything. I do think that adoptions are far to expensive in the first place and that's why so many of our children are in foster care and orphanages. I think there should mental, physical exams, criminal background checks, and a degree of financial should play a part but not be the main source. Don't get me wrong I don't believe children should be placed with families who clearly can't afford to feed and clothe them but I also think Love should be the main concern.

Answer 3

My biological son was an Uninsured  Child Birth we self paid all prenatal medical costs and saved for delivery fees. After all of the emergencies, and all of the complications... His Unisured Hospital Bills were well over $19,000 in 1983....

To top it off in 1991 He has an accident and severed his left leg---it was reattached and the total hospital bill was $283,000.....

Kids cost a lot..... I don't expect anything ***MORE*** from him then I expect from his little sister born a year later on the tax payers dime with Medi-Cal and costing me a whole $33.00 including the tubal-ligation!

Not even going to talk about my foster adopt kids... Just thought I might point out that Kids Cost Butt-loads of money and ***MOST*** parents don't keep a record of the debt....

I will say however that my husband does plan to Ask our youngest son to Buy us a Dishwasher when he grows up out of the "Principal" of the fact since he decided he stand on it and jump on the door every chance he could when he was 3 yrs old.... and he is occasionally reminded that eventually we will need a new dishwasher again!

I don't think most parents care how much it costs to bring a child into the family..... Adoption costs are a drop in the bucket to the realities of parenting.... Kids have non-stop running fees and bills.... even after they grow up they call home for money--expect nice gifts for Christmas and think all their friends get more college money then they do....  

I wonder how parents feel when they have finacial strain over their biological child... My husband and I both worked 2 jobs when we had to pay the hospital debt my son's birth cost.... We hardly ate ourselves and stood in lines for Free Government Cheese.. but never once blamed him or expected him to be anything more then he is....

This same kind of "thinking" is often offered up to Mothers who have C-sections...  I recall being advised by the Hospital Social Worker that I should always be very careful not to let my child **Think** he caused me pain or hurt me because I had to have a C-Section... I didn't GET that either like My kid did anything wrong....

I guess it's just insulting to think that so many people believe grown adults could be so petty and actually have motivations for treating a child any certain way--over any certain factor....

I had a shrink ask me it I was depressed because I was angry at my adopted daughter for pushing me over the baby gate--resulting in my back injury and surgery---- NOT! Yes, it pissed me off I was pushed but---to suggest that I am so imature as to "blame" or resent a child for behavior she could not help at the time is really sick...

Same to was the person here who told me that I am terrible for telling my children bad things about their mother--Who Said I tell my children anything I share with other people on the Internet...?

Very niave to think that a normal parent would seriously expect more from a child just because they saved some money for an adoption.....  

I am sure there are Sh*t for parents who might--but think someone who would expect more from an adopted child based on the cost of adoption would just be Sh*t for parents no matter how they became a parent.....

Sorry Sunny I just could not help adding my 2 cents on this one....

Answer 4

I am not sure about an answer to your question.  

But I will say that I am always amazed that prospective adoptive parents and adoptive parents can quote off the exact amount of money that their adoptions cost.  I can't even vaguely remember how much I spent on my last plane ticket.  But the ap's and pap's that I know can give dollar and cents quotations of exactly how much it cost to fly to whatever country for their adoption.  Sounds to me like they keep track.

Answer 5

Sunny isn't suggesting anything.  She's asking a question.

I'm wondering if anyone who has answered this question knows how many times in our lives we adoptees are asked how much our parents paid for us.  I've been asked this about ten times in my life.

From my perspective as an adoptee, I think this money issue would be a factor.  Even back in the seventies, my parents were reluctant to tell us how much their adoption fees were because they didn't want us to think there would be expectations and because they didn't want us to feel like they bought us.

I wish more people had put their ego's aside and just answered the question.

Answer 6

Including birth expences, our sons adoption was $50K. I have all I ever expect. A son. Not a perfect son or a healthy son, but a son. He doesn't own me anything. His medical expences are about $1,200 or so a month and I would never make him feel bad about what we spend. It's not his fault.

Answer 7

I honestly  hope not.  With that said your question makes sense.  I can see where some people would act like that.  I work with  a few adoptive parents who adopted abroad and they don't seem to think that, but you never know what people are like behind closed doors Knowing your adoption story sounds like something your adoptive parents would of/did do.  Personally we are adopting from foster care so our only expense is the fire inspection and the papers to finalize  the adoption.  We will be foster parents during the process also.

Answer 8

No, adoptive parents have basically the same expectations that bio parents have.  Bio parents often pull the "15 hours of labor and this is what I get?" card when dealing with unappreciative teenagers.  If a bio child is seriously ill and the bio parents have enormous medical bills, do you think they have "higher expectations" from their kids as far as loyalty or achievement to "repay" their parents?   Bills are bills--you're going to have them whether your kids are biological or adopted.  How do you justify this question?

Answer 9

I expected to be able to parent a child.  There's nothing owed to me.  The only thing i expect of my child is for her to be an individual.  How she goes about doing that is only there for me to support.

I have never once seen my child and equated her to a price.  Anyone who would do this to their child, no matter how they came to be a part of their family needs help.  Does this mean that when my child is sick i should add the costs of extra diapers and washing machine loads?  

I can't even tell you what the final fees and costs were.  I can't tell you what i spend a month on my child.  She needs it, she gets it, period.  Of course money is always a factor, but adding it up and using it to value her worth is unthought of.  

What about IVF babies?  Sometimes acheiving that one pregnancy that results in a live birth can cost upwards from $15-50K or even more depending on how many goes of it a couple tries.  Would it be fair to that child to expect more from them?  No attitude, no disipline issues, just a straight A student who gets a full ride to a top college?

When parents start counting actual monetary costs of their choice on how they are building their family. They really need to rethink why they want to become a parent.

Answer 10

So you're suggesting that I when I look at my daughter I should see dollar signs? That just sounds Icky! I don't equate the cost of adoption to my child at all. Nor have I expected loyalty, achievement from my child because I had to shell out some money.

I've never thought about it this way. But now that you bring it up I can honestly say that the money part of it seems so detached from my daughter.

Answer 11

The only thing that I tell them they "owe" me is a half way decent nursing home. And this is the same for my adopted son and the ones I gave birth too. I think the two I actually gave birth too have it worse off because they get to hear about my high risk pregnancies and c-sections...My youngest even tells them that at least he didn't put me through as much h**l as they did.

Answer 12

Do your parents expect you to repay them for every piece of food you have eatten, ulities and rent?? I think not

Adoption is just another expense of having kids.

Answer 13

I agree with alot of the posters here. I too wonder how you justify asking a question like this.. No disrespect, but I think, personally, that it shows a disturbing lack of faith in human nature, and a disturbing belief that people (especially adoptive parents) are very self centered and selfish.. .Again, no disrespect, but I've seen many other hints of this kind of mentality from your questions and answers.. (Yes, I've been around awhile, you just wouldn't know it.).

Parenting is the #1 thing for experiencing/developing selfLESSness.. period.. Nothing promotes the OPPOSITE of selfishness like parenting does, whether biological or adoptive. I know I was shown a million times in my life how selfless my mother is..

Biological parents spend just as much money on their children as adoptive parents.. MAYBE not in the initial welcoming of the child into the family.. but many times, even there.. if there are medical issues, complications during labor..premature birth, etc, etc.. there can definitely be as much cost in even welcoming a biological child into the family as there is in welcoming an adoptive child.

yes, it absolutely CAN "not" affect a family.. to suggest otherwise disturbs me.

I'm sure in some cases there are people (biological and adoptive parents) that are as egocentric as you are potraying, but I'd say that very rarely do adoptive parents expect anything other than a child...just like with giving birth to a child, the parent gets what they get.. they realize that ahead of time.. and they "Do their best" with the child they are given, to help them become a good, decent person..

I can't even begin to think about repaying all my parents have spent on me throughout my life.. Maybe if I won the lottery..... and even today, though I am a grown adult.. I can hardly STOP my mother from spending money on me.. and she never expects any repayment.. I have to practically force her to ACCEPT repayments for little loans she gives me or times she helps me out financially..

Answer 14

I have mixed emotions about this.  I certainly see where you're coming from, since the insanity of consumerism in the USA has absolutely gone beyond the beyond, and there are those who do "purchase" their family.  But on the other hand, I know that in my own heart, and many of the other AP's on here, whatever money was involved in the building of the family has nothing to do with the expectations the parents have of the children.

I don't know if I'm making ANY sense, but here's the bottom line for me:  The desire for the "perfect" family, complete with the trappings of loyalty and high achievement (etc, etc.), come from those with a sense of entitlement.  Many people who don't have loads of money in the bank suffer from a sense of entitlement.  Many people WITH loads of money in the bank DON'T suffer from a sense of entitlement.  I really, honestly, at the very depths of my soul, do not believe it has anything to do with money.  

If I were super-duper rich, I would STILL be adopting through foster care (I'd just spoil my kids a lot more).  This is where my path has led me, and I would have followed this path regardless of the amount of money I had behind me - it's just my personality.  And I can honestly say that, because I have had more money than I have now.  Not a TON more, but enough to make a difference in lifestyle.  I have friends on every rung of the ladder, but they all have similar personalities...the people I choose to surround myself with - and the person I choose to be - all have one thing in common.  We are all blessedly cracked, and we all fly our freak flags loud and proud!  I hope to instill this in my children, no matter how rich or poor we are!  (I realize I just went TOTALLY off track, but I don't care.  It felt right, so I said it.)

ETA:  Uh, Peaness...that wasn't me.  I don't even have a son (yet).

Answer 15

Interesting question...when you ask 'more' I just want to clarify if you're asking 'more expectations' than a biological child that a parent may have?  I know many children within their biological families that have more pressure from their own parents to exceed their expectations.  Like somebody else said children in general are expensive.

This answer really could go either way.  One may state why yes because the child 'owes' them something because the aparents may look at them as an investment rather than a child.  Therefore, their expectations are higher & they are setting themselves up for disappointment & resentment if they're not met.  Payback is a b* tch ain't it?

Then on the flipside I know some families that go to the other extreme where the child becomes spoiled rotten(this could be any child, non-adopted as well) because they feel this adopted child is not capable of doing anything. They look at themselves as some 'savior' but really they are inhibiting them from being independent.  If they don't become independent then surely they won't look elsewhere to have their needs met (i.e. biological family).

In all honestly, every situation is different. Unfortunately, you have your afamilies that do it for the wrong reasons & then you have others that do it from the heart.

Gaia - (eta: you're going to say it wasn't you & delete these comments that my next paragraphs are referring to...I'm not the one smoking) not to call you out but your comment about making your son replace your dishwasher because he jumped on it when it was 3?  Really, who's fault is that...yours for not watching him close enough or blocking it off? Not saying that kids are not intelligent, they very much are as I have a toddler myself but seriously that comment threw me off.  I would understand it being about the 'principle' if he was older than 6-7 years old or a teenager but as a toddler...that's what they do best.  

That would be like if my daughter broke a glass plate each time I gave her one when she is a toddler...I would be the one to blame for not just giving her a plastic plate to begin with & avoid that temptation all together. It's called preventative maintenance/protection - of your children & your things.  At the same time I don't know your child & I know they're are some there is no reasoning with...but 3? C'mon, what 'principles' does he comprehend?

Answer 16

Firstly, I really feel that there is very little difference in how much it would have cost for me to give birth to a child as opposed to adopting one.  When you add up the costs of doctors/ hospitals/medications etc if would come out to about the same as an inter-country adoption.  

The only difference is where the money comes from but whether it is the insurance agency that pays (with money that comes from us ) or the goverment (with money that ultimately comes from us) or directly out of our pocket, the cost is still the same.  

From that perspective it seems silly to think that an adopted child should somehow 'owe' more (loyalty, achievement etc) because they 'cost' more (they didn't).  [I would like to add to that I don't think you 'pay' for an adopted child  anymore than you 'pay' for a bio child; in both cases you are paying for the process of getting a child, not the child thenselves].

Secondly, thinking that a child is in any way responsible for these costs feels a bit like blaming a child for child abuse.  They were a child and had no say in it.  That was an adult decision made by my husband and I and for me to have certain expectaions of my child because of a decision that WE made would be immature.

If it were to happen it would not be fair but I certainly don't see any evidence of it in the adoptive families I know (both with friends who have adopted children and friends who were adopted themselves).

Answer 17

Hi Sunny,

Our adoptions were at the lower end of your scale.  Fortunately, financially it did not greatly affect our family.  Sure we had to budget but we think life is about choices.  We don't have a new house, we don't have designer clothes, and we don't go far on vacations.  I'm pretty much a simpleton.  I'm totally happy with my kids outside playing in the sunshine, i don't need the financial extras.  

Totally worth it a gazillion times over.  You can't take the money with you when you die, and i couldn't ever attach a price tag to a child.  I have bio-children with a heart problem and a speech problem, not all medical expenses are paid.  My c-section wasn't completely covered and we owed $4K for her high risk delivery.  I see no difference.  You pay for services rendered and move on.

We do expect all of our children to go to and complete college.  We do have college funds to help them.  We expect them to be respectful of each other and us.  We expect them to try to do their best in school and to just have fun being a kid.  From the family i was born into, i don't have very high family expectations. lol.  

Is it fair?  In our case our kids want for nothing.  Well, except an iphone, their own computers, their own televisions and we have no problems telling them NO.  The children are healthy and happy.  We love them with all our hearts and we are very blessed.

Answer 18

Uhm, no.  It never once occurred to me that the cost of the adoption process must somehow be reimbursed by my children by way of being loyal or high achievers.  Not once.  It never crossed my mind.

ETA: Torrejon, adoptive parents usually know how much the process cost them because we need to keep track of the costs for tax purposes.  Filling out all those forms (in triplicate, as often as not) tends to push those figures into the long term memory column.

And I spent about $240 on my last plane ticket.

Answer 19

Is it fair for a biological mother to tell her biological child that she went through 30 plus hours of labor for them to come into this world?

Is it fair for them to complain to their biological children about swollen feet, water gain, morning sickness and how miserable they were in general while pregnant with them?

Why was Bill Cosby famous for his line of "I brought you into this world I can take you out of it."  or "I'll just make another one just like you."

These are ok?

What do you expect from your children?  Do they "owe" you anything?

So why bother to wonder how an adoptive parent feels about what was paid.  Honey we've all paid by being parents.  Either physically, emotionally or financially.  The norm being all 3.  Why just wonder about the financial?

Why do you constantly feel the need to single out adoptive parents and guesstimate their feelings?

You are always saying how someone should not assume to know how or why an adoptee does or feels something.  Try applying this to your constant questioning of the ability of an adoptive parent to love and care for their child.  It is possible for an adoptive parent to just be.  And for that adopted child to be and feel just fine.  

I don't feel I owe my parents that adopted me anything.  They've never made  any hint as to this.  I don't feel I owe the people who made me anything either.  I was born into this world, no choice.  I was adopted, again no choice.  But now I'm an adult and I choose not to dwell on things I cannot change or things that really don't even apply to me.

Matter of fact the only thing in my entire day today that I felt that was adoption related that I needed to think about or respond to is this question.   And I'm not even sure at what you're getting at to begin with.  

Why not foster care adoption.  What if the parents choose to add that child to their homes.  But that child has severe emotional needs.  One parent has to be with that child at all times and every waking minute is devoted to that child.  Why not tell that child later on how much they owe them?  Why not figure up how much time was devoted to that child and put it in a dollar figure?  That is what you're getting at here isn't it after all?

Answer 20

Because of the money we paid to "buy" our children? h**l no! Talk about disrespect.

I think the money thing can be big before you are parenting the child, while you are going through the process of deciding how and where to adopt, especially. Same is true of fertility treatments. Cost is just a factor in making any big decision these days. Does that get kind of gross when talking about a child? Yes, it does; it would be awful to reduce a decision about a child to dollars and cents, and sometimes questions here do sound like that and that affects how I answer them (I usually don't). But I do understand thinking about and considering costs when adopting (or thinking about fertility treatments)-- because you'd have to be kind of stupid not to. And maybe the cost factor will cause some to choose foster-care adoption when they might not have otherwise, and that would be good.

But once you are the parent of your child, you just don't look at them or think of them with dollar signs over their heads. Then they are a PERSON, before IT was a PROCESS. Totally different.

Now, are there different expectations for "home grown" vs adopted children? Maybe. I worry about children adopted by parents who think they are "saving" the child, particularly if they are being "saved" from some "backwards," "heathen" country (or first mother). This seems an awful burden to place on a child, sort of a combination of complete disrespect with expectations of gratefulness. Ick! But would children in these situations be expected by their adoptive parents to be overachievers? I rather think not. Perhaps just the opposite, actually. I mean if someone had such disrespect for their child's heritage, mightn't they also think "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" and expect the child not to achieve much? I think that might be a much bigger issue. Now would the child growing up with these burdens feel the need to overachieve? In many cases they might, because as a kid you usually buy into what your parents tell you, so it they tell you they "saved" you and you should be "grateful" then wouldn't you think you'd better be extra good?

I don't know, like everything in adoption it is very complicated and full of ambiguity.

Thought provoking question.

ETA:

Hmm, after going to bed last night I was thinking about this question, but turned around:  Are there higher expectations of adoptive parents? Some think there should be -- and after thinking about it I'm among them. But is that really a good thing? Does putting extra pressure on ourselves unfairly set up expectations for our kids? Seems like another question, though, so if I have time...