Hilarious jokes needed

Question

okay guys i need you to tell me a joke. bout anything. plz and thanx i really need to smile so i hope this helps. thanx i can't wait!!!!!xoxo

Answer 1

what is the longest scentence in the human dictionary.....i do

Answer 2

yo,mam ma is so fat her blood type is ragu-yo mam ma is so fat when she walked in front of the tv i missed 2 seasons of the supernatural-yo mama is so black that when she went to night school they counted her absent-yo,mam ma is so ugly she shaved her but and walked backwards-

Answer 3

why did al gore get a bellybutton ring?

george bush got a d**k cheney

Answer 4

Checkout The Blue Collar Comedy Tour On The Web. It's So Funny.

Answer 5

A man walked into a bar and said OW!

SOME FEMALE COMMBACKS:

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together

Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Answer 6

check this website out:

www.ahajokes.com

hope it helps!!

Answer 7

What happens at Sunday morning at 11?

This case happened in a hospital’s Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves

what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil……..

Just when the Clock struck 11…

And then……

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

Answer 8

There's 3 guys in a car named **** **** You and manners they crash and **** goes flying manners goes to find him and **** you goes walking he sees a cop and he says what's your name and he says **** you and he says where's your manners and he says oh yeah manners he's over there picking up ****  

Answer 9

check out these videos

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8MkIpRZC...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMCbDEkLJ...

Answer 10

Take a look at LiketoLaugh.com.

http://www.liketolaugh.com

Answer 11

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.

"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool..

They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"Lard-Almighty Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

Answer 12

if you need a smile, go to your local photographer and they'll tell you to smile. And there you have it....a smile!!!!  

Answer 13

My old roommate sent this to me.

Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.

When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme

sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home

from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that

I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was

more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by

the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew

it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I

released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed

delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the

telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and

went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure

was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room

I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running

over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three

more. The stink

was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,

I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my

freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on

my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and

pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband

returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I

had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests

seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!