Holy terror, Batman! Need advice regarding TANTRUMS in the preschool-aged child.?

Question

So my very bright and darling child had the tantrum of all tantrums today---in public---at the pool.

The reasons he was upset, in his words, were plenty. First, he burst into tears the moment we got to the pool, telling me that and HE wanted to open the gate by himself and not for me to do it. (I should have seen this as a warning to go back home)!

He was then swimming and having great fun, until all of a sudden he wanted his kickboard to turn left. Like a switch was flipped, he quickly became a frantic and sobbing mess. He was kicking wildly, flailing his arms, and shrieking. Everyone who knew him and saw it was in shock. He has always been the "good" kid at the pool that never is bothered by anything.

Then he wanted his friend's little plastic whale and cried.

Then wanted to stop swimming to go ride bikes and cried.

Then he threw another fit as we were leaving, screaming at me that he wanted to listen now. He was using a VERY big voice, one that he has never used to me or anyone ever. He was demanding, and giving ME orders.

I finally scooped him up, without talking, and took him home. I then talked to him about what all had just happened. I told him what he did was wrong and not acceptable. I tried to pick his brain a little and find out why he was so upset, but I wasn't able to get him to tell me much other than sorry he acted bad. I punished him and told him what for.

My darling child, who is the apple of my eye, became the kid today that no one can stand to have around. He literally was kicking and screaming and making choking/gurgling sounds. *Over the kickboard not turning left.*

What is normal behavior for this age?

He has always been a delight. We have had no major changes in our family. He has been enjoying his summer very much, as we have been going to the beach, taking small trips, and spending lots of time together as a family. I have seen him grow a lot this summer. He seems to have gained more confidence in himself and has become much more social and outgoing, dare I say 'bold'.

What is going on in this little child's head? Why the sudden frustration and screaming? Is it hormonal? Is it a phase?

What can I do as a parent to help him gain control over his temper? I want him to be a well-adjusted adult one day. I want this problem to be nipped in the bud before he gets older and is taller than I am.

I do watch Supernanny, and I thought I was doing everything right. We have never given in to his smaller tantrums of the past; we know better than that! He has never giving us any real trouble until just recently, as his tantrums have been getting worse and for nonsense-reasons (such as a cereal box not facing up on the grocery store conveyer belt at the cash register....or having me unbuckle his carseat instead of his dad...or vice versa!)

I am looking for advice from psychologists, social workers, teachers, parents, and anyone who knows about 4-year-old behavior.

Thanks in advance!

Answer 1

4 year olds tantrums can be spectacular, better than watching fireworks!

Did you let him open the gate? Did you address him for screaming at you?

I would have put him to the side and said that his behaviour was unacceptable and if he didn't calm down we would go home. My son used to do this, I always said 'I don't like being screamed at, you need to ask me nicely or tell me politely what it is you want'. If he can't do this then he can't get what he wants.

He is going through a common stage, choose carefully what he can and can't do. Children need to have some control over their environment and life, but you as the parent need to decide how much and when. There is nothing wrong with daddy doing up the car seat (except they take forever), but there is a lot wrong with screaming at mummy and telling her that that will happen. If he can say 'mummy please can you let daddy do it?' then OK.

You just have to teach him how to ask nicely for things he wants and also how to listen to your reasons why things can't always go his way. Always give a reason 'because I say so', is never good enough. It will take time and most of all never worry about what other people think, those that judge are have no clue about children and their development.

Answer 2

I'd have to say, your son sounds normal - and most of them have done this at least once before they get to 4.

You did the right thing - he thought he could carry on shrieking and then at the end say "oh, I'll behave now" and you'd take him back into the pool. You ignored his attempts to have this happen. Now he knows it doesn't work.

Four year olds often decide they know everything and are now going to be the boss. You just have to stick to your guns and stay calm. If you're the one taking him out of the car, then you undo his seatbelt - and, frankly, if my child kicked and screamed about this they would have a sharp tap on the leg or hand, hard enough to make them jump. If he wants the cereal box turned over then if there's time you can pick him up so he can do it, if there isn't because you're in a rush and there's a huge queue it doesn't matter and you tell him not to make a silly fuss. And if he behaves like that during an activity that's fun for him in the future, you pick him up and you go home in silence.

Answer 3

Since you watch Super Nanny, you already know what you did wrong. Jo-Jo would have put him in time out with the very first tantrum. Then there would have been hugs and I love yous and a warning that if he through another tantrum you would immediately take him home and then you do exactly that on the second tantrum. Remember, you have to be consistant and follow through every time!

Answer 4

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Answer 5

I have a 5 yr old and the first thing I thought of was that perhaps it was something as simple as he was simply tired...?  When my son is too tired, sometimes I don't even notice, until he starts getting moody and grumpy.  He used to have little tantrums  and I was always able to change his mood by making him get a good rest, or a nap if possible. Sometimes this happens when their little brains want them to do something that their little bodies can't yet do....a sign of frustration? They don't have the words to say, "I'm terribly frustrated" so they have a tantrum...I would also like to hear from a professional on this one...it's a mystery to many parents!  

Answer 6

As a nanny I have to tell you that what you're describing sounds perfectly normal. Most of the time the kids I watch do this when they're about to get sick, and don't quite feel bad enough to realize it yet. In addition, sometimes kids (like adults) just go crazy. If he understands what he did was wrong and this doesn't become a common occurrence I wouldn't stress over it.

Answer 7

Sorry I can't have the long answer you'd like but I gotta hurry... NO TOLERANCE POLICY. If he looks at you the wrong way, naughty corner. If he keeps crying, he stays there. If he has to come out for some reason,  he goes straight back there without any treats.

Even though it's recent, it's the same principle, don't worry yourself thinking it's a scary psychological sign it will pass!