Homeschooled teens "missing out" on teen life?

Question

This idea of homeschooled teens missing out on a "normal life" or "normal teen things" has popped up in a few answers.

But what is this supposed "normal" teen life? And why should it be the way teens live? The whole idea of "teenager" is relatively new. And certainly around the world there are plenty of cultures that don't even classify their teens as teenagers--they are children or adults within their society and that's it. If you look at it from an historical perspective, the "normal" teen life today is quite ABNORMAL. And much of the socialization doesn't reflect in any way what they will have to live as adults (although, one might argue that a growing number of adults aren't really "grown up", still trying to live how they lived in high school and college).

Are homeschooled teens really missing out on any "teen experiences" that are necessary, or even important, to their lives? And please don't respond if your idea of homeschooling is that the kids stay home all day.

Answer 1

I don't know where these ideas of "normal" teens come from. I meet enough teens coming out of high school that hated their high school years and never fit in there to know that “normal” is in the eye of the beholder. I'm even more baffled by the idea that a period of responsibility-free self indulgence during which you become estranged from your family, and are pressured to conform to an arbitrary norm as is a stepping stone to a normal adult life. People learn what they live. Public school teaching kids to be sociable adults is a presumption and one I disagree with. Here’s an example using my dog:

    I wanted my pet to be a happy canine that could go out with me just about anywhere. I’d like her to be a therapy dog someday. To do that, she needs to know how to act in the human world. She needs to know the rules. To do this, I train her at home and in her daily life; show her which behavior is expected and condoned and which is not. I also make sure that she is introduced to strange animals; dogs, cats and even some birds. I make sure she is around old people, kids, babies, adults and people with special needs and disabilities. By doing so, I have helped her become accustom to many situations and people. Imagine instead of doing this, I just put her in the garage with several other dogs everyday. Some are friendly, some are mean. Some attack her. Some soil the floor. I have a trainer come in and break up any fights, but other than that, she is on her own. Would my dog be capable of behaving in public? No. So, why do people continue to act like that is the best way to “socialize” our children and teach them to live in an adult world?

EDIT: Betcha $5 Hairy D is the product of public school socialization. Please report him btw. He regularly gets on YA and insults people with his limited vocabulary.

Answer 2

What is "normal?"

A definition of social norm that I found on a university site (presentation):

"Generally accepted ways of thinking, feeling, or behaving that people in a group agree on and endorse as right and proper"

Another definition about Common Errors in Norms and Conformity includes:

"Deindividuation: When individuals see themselves purely in terms of group identity, their behavior is likely to be guided by group norms alone."

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I think homeschoolers preserve individuation or in cases like mine (starting homeschool later) have to re-individuate.

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Public school kids and proponents tend to be guided by group norms alone whereas homeschool kids learn early to think for and decide for themselves within the context of group norms.

Fancy way of saying they don't understand the independence and can only comprehend group-think.

SIDE NOTE: Gosh, with all these big words, maybe I should submit an article to that scam site we were all talking about!

Answer 3

No. I don't think that missing the whole High school experience (at least, as it is in North America) is going to damage any person.

First, I completely agree with your thoughts about how our "teenagers" are considered. In some cultures, "teens" marry (whether or not you consider that correct), get a job and help their families.

What American "teen" TV shows teach us is that teenager years are there for you to be silly, "cool", desperately try to "fit", use your parents money to buy clothes and "stuff", have boyfriends and girlfriends here and there, have s*x, use drugs and be as irresponsible to your parents and the world as you can.

I am from Latin America. Homeschooling there is illegal, but the school drop out is very high: many "teens" have to leave at early age to help at home, get a job or run from a difficult house or situation (poverty, hunger, violence, abuse, neglect).

I had to leave school when I finished grade 6. I hated it for many years as I was an excellent student and loved to study hard.

BUT, even when I didn't know the name of it, I homeschooled myself: I read a lot, learnt all what I needed about raising children (I stayed at home to help with my three younger siblings) and manage a house. When I was 16 years old, I felt the need to have my certificate so I could go to College. I completed my High School studies (that usually last 5 years in South America) in only two years.

I completed my College and University and I still "homeschool" myself as I take many online courses. Thanks to all those years, I know how to study alone, how to organize myself and finish my assignments without the pressure of peers or teachers.

For many years, I felt that I was lacking something: the "teen" experince. Now that I'm a teacher and have two kids, I can say I thank that experience: yes, I didn't go to dances or dates. But I had good friends and I didn't get bullied. I could read what I wanted and explore my own interests and needs. Because of those years, my relationship with my own teenager students was the best: I treated them with respect and love, and never consider them as "teens" but as growing children with their own interests and needs.

Answer 4

I feel like homeschooling can really give you the best of both worlds.  I think there are some homeschooled teens who feel like it's necessary to still "fit in" and have a so-called "normal" teen life, and if they want to, they can still do that (as I'm sure you know).  Then there are other teens who don't care so much about being carbon copies of everyone else, and homeschooling allows them to go in their own directions.  I don't know what could be better than having that type of choice!

Answer 5

I completely agree with you!  The stereo-type idea of what a teenager's life looks is so wrong here in America at least.

Many people in this country (at least) see partying, get into relationships and having premarital (sp?) s*x, rebelling, being depressed and immature, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and being obsessed with themselves, possessions, and the drama of public high school are all normal things for teenagers to do.  They accept them and say that these things are "normal" parts of growing up and experimenting with life.

I'm a home schooled teen in 10th grade and I love my life!  I have a big circle of friends, love learning (am already planning what I want to do with my life), have a great family, and do lots of extracurricular activities.

I've never gone partying, had a bf, experimented

with drugs, or gone to public school and do not feel like I've missed anything.

If what I mentioned above is normal in this cultures eyes, I like being abnormal!!!!!!!  LOL! ;)

Answer 6

They miss out on TONS. My cousin was homeschooled until he was 11, then they started sending him to a private school 45 min. away, but the point being is that when he got to this school, he started to actually experience life and not just kick back at home doing nothing but waste away. No offence towards him but he didn't have many friends.

Answer 7

I disagree with homeschooling in general, with some exceptions. Unfortunately going to school today often results in bullying and in extreme cases can cause psychological trauma, loss of self esteem and in some sad cases, suicide. One 11 year old boy was bullied and teased on a daily basis about his weight he went home one day and hanged himself. He tried to hang on writing poetry but in the end the bullies got him.

Also drugs and other bad influences, not around when I was in school but the bullies were! I had a tutor for awhile then was put back into a private school with children of ambassadors (we were in London at the time) and they were, to this day, the most obnoxious, s****. self centered group it has even  been my displeasure to meet.

So, to sum it up; No to homeschooling in general, but yes if the schools are anything like described above. There are SOME good schools out there just depends where you live.

Answer 8

I can go on for a long time on this subject.

Since I grew up in Europe I do have a different view of this so called artificial extension of childhood, called the teen years.

Yes. artificial; young people are very capable and ready far earlier for adult life/responsibilities than we give them credit for.

By keeping them "little", or infant like, we are not doing them any favors; maturity is not tied to a chronological age, like 18 or 21, but is determined by the experiences they will have before reaching "adult status".

Young people do not magically gain the knowledge, and maturity that we seem to expect of them at age 18, but do not at age 17.

Home schooling gives them the opportunity to see early on that it's about ability not age, grade level, or even test scores.

The confidence, and independence gained through home schooling, and having to be responsible for helping direct their own education will serve them well come college, and beyond.

The best book I have ever read, and that summed up just about everything on this issue is, The Case Against Adolescence by Robert Epstein PhD.

It's a long read, but well worth it when discussing this subject.

Answer 9

Forgive me if my post sounds similar to the others'; I didn't read them as I didn't want to be influenced by them. Also, I apologize in advance for this long post.

Let me start by saying that I was homeschooled my entire life with the exception of 9th grade. I'm just going to draw up a little list that compares my experiences.

Public school "good things":

Belonged to the Quiz Bowl team and was team manager for the varsity basketball team.

Straight A's (except for art and PE -- grrr!).

Made a couple of friends.

Homeschool "good things":

Was able to take the time to figure things out for myself, rather than use rote memorization.

Had a flexible schedule.

Could study topics that interested me. Example: In 2004, I became pretty interested in the presidential elections. Studying the elections counted, at least in part, for government, history, math (probability and statistics), and English (analyzing debates).

Public school "bad things":

I was ostracized by most, as I hadn't grown up with them.

I was picked on by a few to the point where we had to threaten a sexual harassment lawsuit.

I didn't actually "learn" anything; the material wasn't new to me.

Plain and simple, it was boring.

Homeschool "bad things":

The only one I can think of here is that I wasn't exposed to that many viewpoints, so I didn't really learn good arguments for/against certain topics.

On to socialization. I made many friends while I was homeschooled, and I still communicate with them regularly, even though I'm 1,000 miles away in college now. I had the opportunity to join several groups while I was homeschooled that I wouldn't have been able to were I in public school at the time. I was on my library's Teen Advisory Board, helping plan programs and choose books for the county's teens. I was on a bowling league. I was in my church youth group. I worked at the Burger King, getting an easier job than the kids that had to wait until the 5:00 dinner rush to come in. The catch is, I made friends from all of these activities. Friendships that lasted, unlike the ones I made in public school. And we did the usual teen stuff: we'd get together and run around out back, ride our bikes to the ice cream parlor, start a game of pick-up soccer, goof off and get  into trouble. :)

I guess that the point I'm trying to make is, the "teen experience" is whatever the teen makes out of it. For me, it was a good one. For others, maybe not so good. But if you can look back and say "I learned something from that", it's a worthwhile experience in my book.

Answer 10

Would anybody like to see my son's "My Space" pages?  Does it look like 'normal life'?

Yep... same rock music.  Yep... same silly pictures of silly teens doing silly things.  Yep... pictures of the gang at Carowinds, the park, the ball game, the mall, etc.  Yep... pictures of the basketball team in action.  

Yep... big minute plan on the cell phone.

Yep...same 'melt downs' due to restrictions and rules.

Yep... same  'I'll do it in a minute' response that I gave my parents.

Yep.. same worn out tires from transporting to all the activities...plus more wear on tires now that he has his driver's permit.

I work in the high school.  I see teens everyday.  I see homeschool teens regularly.   I do not see any difference.

This may be a bad thing but it is not what we hear time and time again on the Y!A about 'missing out'.    Hopefully he will not grow into one of those adults who are not mature but right now he is enjoying the time.

  I didn't really comment on the new cultural 'teen years' but you are right.   The rebellious years exist because it is expected due to propaganda.

Answer 11

i was homeschooled all my life before going off to college. i was very involved with my youth group at my church, so i never felt like i was missing much. all my friends who went to public schools were always telling me how lucky i was. then when i went to college, nobody ever guessed that i was homeschooled. when i would tell them, they would be surprised and give the infamous reply "you don't act like a homeschooler."

i think the key is to have your kids/teens get involved with some sort of program where they're around other kids their own age. if they have a big social group, they be happy to be left out of the public school scene.

Answer 12

Well, let's see...they're likely missing out on:

-pregnancy

-being offered drugs

-having a life that revolves around what everyone else says is "cool"

-an environment that encourages kids to be mediocre

-an environment that encourages rebellion

-having very little control over their daily schedule

-having everything lined out for them until they graduate, and then being expected to prioritize their time and actions magically upon reaching age 18

-a school system that is so overrun with governmental requirements and lack of parent participation that it can barely teach basic skills (I highly respect teachers - please don't think I'm bashing teachers here - but logistically, it's nearly impossible for most teachers to get kids to work up to their potential these days.  The drive isn't there on many of the students' parts, and the support isn't there on the part of the adminstration.  Add that to the endless parent complaints that often stem from a lack of parenting and ridiculous governmental requirements, and you've got one of the most difficult jobs on the planet.)

On the other hand, many of them do have the chance at:

-band or choir

-advanced classes

-prom

-a job, and likely a better one because their schedule is their own

-the chance to follow their interests and prepare for their future

-clubs (yearbook club, etc.)

-mentorships and shadow programs

-college classes before high school graduation

I wouldn't say they're missing out on the "teen experience"; there are some that probably are, but they'd miss out on it in school as well.  Some people are just plain loners, whether they're homeschooled, public schooled, or set in a display case somewhere.  (And I agree with the number of adults stuck in "Neverland"...it's pretty ridiculous.)

Edit - glee - love it!

Answer 13

Yes and no. I was home-schooled until college but it wasn't hard to adjust to college because people in college are individuals: everyone does their own thing and people usually accept you for who you are. I didn't have my first relationship until I was 20 and it would have been nice to have friend's experiences with guys to understand what to expect, but it didn't mess me up too badly because many people don't date until my age anyway.

In high school, I was involved with many extracurricular activities with teens my own age, as well as people of all different ages through volunteer work and such. So I think I got a little bit of everything. Not much different than the geeks or very very smart people who don't have much of a social life until their 20's.....or any other group of people.

Life is what you make of it.....sometimes I wish I had more experience with "real world" stuff, but I've made up for it all in college and it all evens out anyway.

Answer 14

well I'm homeschooled and I still have the choice to do all the things I would do if I was to go to school so I'd have to say no. I still face the same peer/student issues, go through the same teenage angst, get invited to parties, go out, etc. Basically I get to experience the same things as any other kid that was enrolled in school.

Answer 15

I think homeschool is a fantastic idea if the parent that is teaching the child has the patience and knowledge to do what is best for their child AND the kids get to be around other kids their own age and have fun (and learn too).  I had to homeschool my son for about a year and a half because of health reasons (severe food allergies) and I tried desperately to find a group to get involved with so that he would have other kids his own age to play with.  We live in a small town with small adjoining towns and there were no groups near me, and the 2 that were about an hour away never bothered to email me back after SEVERAL attempts of contact.  My son was lonely.  He craved playing with other children.  I had to make sure that he was old enough to understand the dangers of sharing food before I could let him go to school.  I do believe in homeschooling and I do believe teens can have a totally "normal", and more importantly  HAPPY life....probably happier than those that are facing the pressure that public school kids put on other kids.  Don't worry about what others think.  Believe me, it is trying to educate people on the dangers of deadly food allergies...either they care or they don't, but you won't change their minds.

Answer 16

I think you're right. I mean, the term *adolescence* was not even in our language until the beginning of the 20th century, and primarily referred to the delayed maturity created by the new mandatory education ages.

And I also agree with the part of about adults not really being adults. Perhaps the reason they so vehemently support delayed maturation is because it supports their choice to remain adolescent.

IN any case....I don't think my p*****n is really missing out on any sort of experiences. He is with friends several days a week, hangs out all Thursday night with his scout patrol, spends weeks camping in the summer with friends, and has two days at least that we travel to the city to hang out just with teens. He makes his own choices, and is capable of researching and filling out his own beliefs and choices.

Answer 17

The homeschooling debating sides lack credibility because they don't focus on the same thing.  Those against it claim that homeschooled kids miss alot of opportunity socially.  Those that homeschool their kids home school them for the same reason.  

Also those against homeschooling (like myself) usually have no experiance with homeschooling.  Those that have been homeschooled usually have no reference to complain about the school programs.

I think homeschooling should be allowed, but I also think the students must pre required to meet certain educational goals.  If it is clear that the children are not doing well in that environment and not being educated, I think it is a form of child abuse to homeschool.  However, if the students are learning progressing, than however goofy I think homeschooling is, It is not my business how you educate your children.