Honest opinion on this poem???

Question

Selfish:

Turn around and look at what you've done.

All the destruction and pain you've caused.

You say your sorry,

but we know the truth.

Your sorry that you have no more friends.

But you don't care about what you did to them.

Your sorry that your no longer "The Man".

But you don't care about the girl's heart you broke.

Your sorry for the things that happened to you.

But could care less about what happened to everyone else.

So yes, you are sorry; for yourself.

I guess you could say you are......

SELFISH

Answer 1

well, jenny, i don't know if it's the right word but i'd describe it as lopsided and bitter, no real feeling to it; when it comes to poems, as opposed to books, keeping it simple(while not really) works best

Answer 2

please comment on my poem

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 3

It reads more like heartfelt prose than it does poetry. I can imagine someone from a chick flick movie saying this on screen without batting an eye....

Let me give you an example of what I mean:

Turn around and look again

but this time I want you to see

the path that you walked went through

the heart of everyone 'round you

I took the liberty of writing a stanza that puts your sentiments in more poetic form. I rhymed because I feel it adds impact, but looking beyond that, I tried to bring out more from what you said. Why ask someone to turn around... what's the point? Maybe they've already looked around... so this time we want them to actually see what they've done. This is a theme that could be incorporated later in the poem, as a way to symbolize redemption, for instance. "All the pain and destruction you've caused"... prose. What's a different way of saying it that ties in with the poem? Well, if this person has walked a path, then a creative way of saying "pain and destruction" might be to walk a path right through someone's heart.

Do you get where I'm going with this?

Poetry is taking something that you feel or something that's happened, whatever, and turning it into art - looking at it from a different point of view, trying to evoke an emotion, trying to make a connection.

I'm not saying your sentiments are by any means invalid, of course not. I'm just saying that there is a certain threshold this work needs to cross before it's "poetry".

Keep writing!

Saul