Hoping I am improving,-- comments poets !!!?

Question

Sun's Magic

Sun shining today

In a weird kind of way

Haze, full clouds

Blue with a tumble rumble

Moist heaviness felt

Ready to explode

Sun shine returns

Doom of rain held back

The cloud magically

disappears!

Answer 1

I really like some of the imagery in this piece!  "Moist heaviness felt" is great!

I am not sure if the word 'magically' (or even the tone of it) fits well with it.  It seems...I dunno, out of place.  But that is just my opinion.

Answer 2

I like this. It creates a nice picture in my mind, which I guess is kind of the point.  Having posted one of my attempts at writing with little response or fanfare, (like my name suggests I tend to be something of a ghost writer; that is, very few people ever see it.  What I write is something of a diary of my feelings and thoughts and more often than not those are things I find people have little interest in) I would say to you and Bob, I wouldn't worry so much about someone not liking what you write. There will probably be trolls who will tell you it sucks, but what is important is how you felt when writing it, what inspired it and if it comes from a special place within you. Good writing is relative. Even best selling authors have been accused of bad storytelling, which says to me that the saying about opinions is right (they are like a certain private part of the body; everyone has one and they all stink) Anyway, I don't know if this makes sense or if it's even my place to say, but I guess my point is, there is no bad writing. Share what you have and the people who can see its greatness are the ones who count the most. Write on!

Answer 3

Good! I can see the clouds and almost smell the rain that doesn't fall.

Answer 4

its pretty good..

I dont like the use of 'tumble rumble' sounds very childish.

But the rest is very well written

answer mine please

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 5

try some different line breaks.

like

sun

shining today.

in a weird kind of way

haze -

full clouds, with a

heaviness exolode,

sends peices of itself

to earth.

but, the sun

shine returns

the doom of rain

defeated.

Answer 6

I find myself picking over my own stuff wondering if I should post it, and wait for some kid to say it sucks. For the first time in my life I've started counting syllables and trying to be less free form; I find I get more respect for my work. Sometimes I feel I've really done good work only to see one or two responses. I never see anybody in poetry get more than 20. I. like you, have a desire to be better. I don't know if your improving but I know due to this experience I am better than when I started.  I wanted to say this because I think by being here and exposing ourselves to everyone that we will get better.... how good you are I don't know, I do enjoy it; I don't even  know how I rate... anyway I said all this so you know somebody is paying attention. (smile)

Answer 7

I love the imagery...

Doom of rain held back...

Answer 8

"Hi!",

Good morning too you! : )

I'm doing my surprise visit again, where I appear than disappear after answering 2 poems.

I never actually saw your 1st version, but this one looks great too me. I can't see no faults and you have displayed a lot of imagery in this poem, I quite enjoyed it so, all I  have too say is....

WELL DONE!

Cheers : )

Answer 9

Okay, I like where you're going here. I didn't see the first one, but it's a good enough version that I'm sure you're improving.

To the poem, here are some suggestions:

L1: See my notes on L2, You may want to compress L1 and L2 into an interesting image on the sun shining in a weird way. This would make for a stronger opening.

L2: This is a bit telling. Think of an image that is weird rather than telling the reader that it is weird. It would be more effective.

L3-4: I like this. I like the free association and the internal rhyme.

L5: Consider cutting "felt". Moist heaviness conveys an experience by adding felt you're telling what the experience was like.

L6: This is okay, but an image would work better here.

L7: You can say this in a stronger way.

L8: This is interesting.

L9-10: Good close, like a magic trick.

Please don't take the comments as negative. I think this can develop nicely. I hope some of this will be helpful to you.

Answer 10

sounds more like a log of activity than a poem. i really like the idea youre going for though. Theres so much to say about the sun. Just watch your use of rhythm and flow, rhyme, repetition  etc.

keep writing!

Answer 11

Its good...I dont know if it really goes together in a flowing way though

Keep working u have some real potential!