Horrible first day of kindergarten?

Question

My daughter just started kindergarten Tuesday. she has been super excited for months now about going to school and making friends, learning, etc. I have had concerns, as she is highly gifted and has far far advanced the academics of kindergarten and 1st-2nd grade even. she also has never played well with children her age, has extreme sensitivities, excitabilities, extremely independant, tries testing waters and trying to outsmart and manipulate ALOT.. she is a GREAT girl.. so full of love and always uses manners perfectly. always shares. wonderful, but advanced, sense of humor. i could go on and on... but the point im getting to is i had alot of concren for these "issues" and her going to school, so i told the teacher of it all and she was all smiles and "it will be just fine"...basicly. so i go in to pick her up at 3 and she isnt talking much so i ask her about her day and in a not so enthusiastic voice, i get "school is fun". so i ask what she enjoyed and she avoids the question and says "i dont know" and i asked if there was anything she didnt like... and she says "in gym when the teacher smacked me" i was enraged, to say the least. but i collecte dmyself and waited for my husband to meet with me and the teacher later in the evening. the teacher told us basicly all negative things on my daughter. how she wouldnt sit for the reading of words on the bulletin board. how she wanted to cut out the pictures she'd colored (only the teacher was allowed to cut, bc the other students hadnt been taught yet) though my daughter can use scissors very well. she said she wasnt in gym class, only the PE instructors are there. and i tell her what my daughter said and the teacher looks shocked and says she's never heard of any gym teacher doing such a thing and she sort of rolls her eyes and mentions how my daughter was a wreck when she went to pick her up at the gym. i informed her that my child is no liar, never has been. she has always been very truthful, no matter what the situation. the teacher goes on to say how when my daughter kept crying she couldnt console her so she just left her alone. just walked away. she also mentioned she cried alot at lunch because the time came for lunch to be over and my daughter hadnt finished her apple or milk and the teacher said to throw it away and my daughter wanted to save her apple in her lunch box.

my daughter now says she does not want to go back to school. she complained of her tummy hurting and was complaining alot of a headache until she basicly passed out on our couch. didnt eat very much dinner at all. and judging by her very tiny amount gone from her lunch box, i thought she would have been starved.

about the "smack", which is a huge issue for us.. we were informed a week ago at orientation that there was goign to be a form to allow or to not allow any form of corporal punishment for the students, which would be handed out within the next month or so. we have not signed this form yet.. and plan on signing to NOT allow it. we do not believe spanking is an effective form of discipline and believe it can cause more harm than good. so i most certainly do not want this used on our child by a person she just met, let alone on her first day of school.. which seems to have been a pretty rotten first impression.

my husband and i are so extremely stressed and it is obvious our daughter is too. we're almost ready to pull her out and homeschool for a year or 2. her education and emotional health are very important to us and we want the best for her, but i have the feeling this public school isnt going to be the best.

has anyone who just read this essay been through anything like this and how did you handle it?

any advice will be appreciated.

Answer 1

no but maybe she could go to another school close by  

Answer 2

Well, you have had a very bad introduction to a very grown up experience for your daughter. I have been on both sides as a young divorce mother sending her child to kindergarten as well as being a teacher for several years.

Because it is very difficult to know what the exact circumstances happen to your little girl, this is the advice I can give you as a parent.

Give the school a chance; the teacher is required to have a basic one year curriculum. Once the session get into full gear your child will be separated into a group more suited for her needs.

As a teacher I have taught pre-school to the fourth grade; it sound like the days are long and maybe to structure for her at this time. It is like when you start a new job, once you get into the routine it is like the position was design for you.

As for the food, there is a health concern not only for your daughter but for the other children, the reason is she had already bit the apple and schools are hot beds for bugs. It is unfortunate that you daughter missed her complete meal, but as a mom we know that if we cry long enough we deplete are body of water and that is where the headache came from, unfortunately your little girl did not know to drink water. The crying is also the reason she fell asleep. On, the lighter side your daughter would not have starve that takes a very long time; but you can inform the teacher that you would like to have your daughter eat her lunch and what she does not eat you would like returned. Just explain that you want to monitor your daughter food intake. She will inform the aid. If the teacher does not cooperate you can take your concerns to the principle.

One of the concerns that bother all parents for any age of a child is an injury. We want to know who is watching are child. But, because you do not know exactly what or how this happened let the instructor have the benefit of the doubt this time; let me tell you why. I was in my late thirties when I decide to take advantage of my degree. I thought I knew enough about life and would be a great teacher, the incident the kindergarten children would run up to me in the morning and give me a hug. One morning a little girl with long hair came behind me for a hug, I wear a 2 carat princess cut diamond ring, in attempting to move the child from behind me I got her hair tangled in my ring when I lifted my hand I pulled out several very long strand of hair, I thought I would have a stroke because I would have never hurt anyone let alone a child. I let the mother know that day what had happen but to this day when I remember that incident I still cry.

The legal side, any person who gets finger printed to work with children get a file with their state agency as well as the FBI, if they cause harm to your child they will not be allowed to work with children again. Of course some have slipped through the crack of a system but not many.

So although home schooling may have a curriculum advantage there is no book every printed for learning social interaction.

One of the things that I liked to do was to encourage parent to participate daily in the school, get to know the people who take care of your child. You can indiscreetly as personal question, start with question like when, where they graduated from, then progress from there.

I wish you and your family well, this is only the beginning.

Answer 3

I would suggest wait after school, and talk to some other parents from grade one or two, who have had the same PE instructor or the teacher.  

As for your child, I am sorry, but I have to agree with the teacher.  My daughter is same as yours.  but she had quite a hard time at school, listening to someone besides her parents.  it took her about four - five months when teachers told me that she's doing good now, and she listens.  one more thing I did notice, that school wasn't challanging enough for her, I didn't have the money to put her in a gifted school, so I had to stick with public.  But if you can afford the gifted school, I would suggest, to have her test for gifted exam, and put her in a private school.  

Wish you all the best, i know she's your first kid going to the school it takes time, and understanding to let her be on her own.  if you say she's as smart as she is, she will figure out her own way, you just guide her in what do to in certain situations.  

like for spanking to directly to the principle and have them call you... etc.  Good luck

Answer 4

I say pull her out and homeschool her for kindergarten.  You are obviously teaching her what she needs - she sounds advanced.  She may be a little spoiled, which is something you need to get a handle on.  Even smart children need to be able to follow instructions, and sit quietly when asked.  I truly believe keeping a child in the home environment for the K year is not a bad thing, at all, especially if she doesn't want to go, and you are able to be home with her.

Answer 5

Um, don't homeschool her just send her to a different school. Wow, I'd be stressed too. I will not be having kids anytime soon...!

Answer 6

What crappy advice you've been given so far.  Your poor baby girl.  How dare the teacher stifle your daughters independence with and gifted personality by treating her like she's just another kid to shuffle through the grade and out of her class.  I think some teachers have lost their sense of passion for teaching.  They don't want to go outside the box and realize not all children are the same.  My son, although ADHD, has some of the same "issues".   "doesn't play well with children her age, has extreme sensitivities, excitabilities, extremely independent, tries testing waters and trying to outsmart and manipulate ALOT.. "  ADHD, gifted children, and other children who require another form of learning are sometime neglected by those types of teachers.  I'd take your story to the Principal and defiantly have the administration look into the the PE teacher.  I'd try finding another school who shares your beliefs of NOT hitting children.  Also, see if they have programs for gifted children.  It's the school's responsibility to identity and promote your child's learning.  My son is on an IEP for ADHD but they also have something similiar for gifted children.  Best of luck to you and hopefully you can find the right place for your baby.

Answer 7

spanking is a great way to keep a child in line, i was spanked as a child and i was a lot more under control than a lot of other kids i see these days

Answer 8

When i was in first grade, i'm going into 9th this year,

i broke my arm on the school playground. I was crying like crazy and went to the school yard lady and told her what happened. she told me to go to the office and get ice. so i got ice and went back outside still crying... When  recess was over, i went back to class and was trying to calm down, but i couldnt, it hurt to bad. Then probably 20 or 30 more min. into clas, the teacher yelled at me and said, " if your just going to sit there and cry all day, you might as well go to the office." ina snotty voice. she made me carry all my stuff, my back pack, sweater, and everything. and so i got to the office and they called my mom, finally. My mom heard me crying in the background and goes, is that my daughter? and they said yeah, and then my mom was like, ive never heard her cry like that before... and shes not a baby, shes really tough for a first grader. So my mom took me to the hospital, and it turns out that i had a severe break in my elbow. my arm was broken in half. and i had to go into surgery and get a pin in it. i stayed the night in the hospital and everything. Well my mom was realllllly mad, because i stayed at school for 3 hours before they even called her and stuff. well, she ended up transfering me to a different school, and the old school payed our medical bills..... i remember the whole thing.

i read your story and thought they were somewhat alike and then i typed that whole thing and realized they werent really alike at all. Sorry. hah. i hope i somewhat helped....

Answer 9

Wow.  There is so much going on here.

1.  The corporal punishment:

I would never allow my three children to go to a school that practiced corporal punishment on them or other children.  It is a poor example of how to solve problems.  It does not teach any social skills.  Research has shown that while corporal punishment is very effective in stopping behavior short term, it is not an effective long term solution.  The undesired behavior continues or goes underground.  The child may also build up resentment, seek revenge, or retreat emotionally, or engage in a powere struggle.  The research also shows that corporal punishment has negative lonterm consequences for the child.

I would look for a school that bases their discipline policy on Positive Discipline.  It teaches personal responsibility and critical thinking.  A close second would be a school endorsing a Love and Logic style approach.  But too often teachers untrained in the method turn logical consequences into punishment.

Teachers practicing positive discipline would never make an arbitrary authoritative demand like throwing away a lunch that a child wants to keep.  It is ridiculous how some schools treat kids and the demands they place on them.  How would you like a coworker to tell you to throw away your lunch?  Children also deserve respect.

Here are some references to get you started:

http://parentingmethods.suite101.com/art...

http://parentingmethods.suite101.com/art...

2. Gifted issues:

My daughter was reading at a fourth grade level when she started preK.  She was frustrated with the class, had a hard time making friends, and generally acted out because she was bored.  She would not follow directions or rules that had no logic or meaning to her (such as your daughter's apple experience).  The teacher didn't think to explain the logic of the request.  She went from loving learning to despising school.  She started dumbing down to fit in and started avoiding actual academic challenges because she started getting used to things being so easy and requiring no effort.

We had our daughter assessed by a gifted specialist at a regional university.  The first recommendation was homeschooling; the second option was grade acceleration.  We put our daughter in a private school where the teacher can meet her academic needs.  We also allowed her to skip a grade.  The emotional and social issues disappeared.  She is still an emotionally sensitive child, as are many gifted kids.  But she loves school, is challenged, and fits.

Acceleration was an option for our daughter because she was advanced in all academic areas and ready socially, emotionally, and physically.  The best option for your daughter will depend on her individual needs, but there are some objective tools to determine this.

Have your daughter assessed for giftedness.  This can often be done in your school district, but interviewer bias can influence recommendations (but not test results).  I'd go with an outsider.

If homeschooling, subject acceleration, or grade acceleration are recommended, you will need to be an advocate.  If acceleration is an option, ask that the Iowa Acceleration Scale be used to make a determination.  This tool can also direct you to more appropriate options if acceleration isn't in your daughter's best interests.

Here are more resources:

http://parentingagiftedchild.suite101.co...

http://assessing-gifted-children.suite10...

The risk of doing nothing is that your daughter will become a gifted underachiever.  Here is some info:

http://parentingagiftedchild.suite101.co...

Best of luck to you.  Regardless of your other actions, she really needs to change schools and you should strongly consider gifted assessment.

Answer 10

If you cannot be bothered to teach your child manners and impress upon her that she has to get along in school, you should home school her. Being smart won't get her that far if she does not also learn how to wait her turn and get along.

If the smacking thing is true, that is unconscionable and should not be tolerated.

As far as the rest of it, you need to teach your child social skills. If you expect everyone to walk on eggshells and cater to your daughter, and you have raised her to expect to be the center of attention, then she will be far to fragile emotionally for public school and indeed you should pull her out and homeschool her.

I have never thought intelligence should be an excuse for an inability to behave.

Like I said, I'm not talking about the smacking thing. If that really happened you should make an issue of it with the principal, the school board, anyone. It should not be happening at all.

As far as the rest of it, the public schools cannot walk on eggshells and change their whole program for your little snowflake. You could have her tested and insist they offer her enrichment classwork along with some other intellectually gifted children. They do have an obligation to challenge her and teach her at her level, whether that means going to first or even second grade class for reading and language arts or an advanced reading class for a small group of the brighter children in her class -- and you can bet there actually are a few other children at or around her level.

Answer 11

I'd go sit in the back of the room and observe the class for a day or two.  (But don't let your kid come to Mommy and look to you to protect and serve while you are there.  Your role is observer, that's all) After a day or so, you should be able to figure out whether to tell your little rosebud to suck it up and get with the program, or whether to tell the school to stick it where the sun don't shine while you get your kid the heck outta there.

Answer 12

i think there something going on with the teachers or the school.

Do u know any parent that is from  the  same kindergarten class. he/she may also have problems with it too.

Answer 13

about the slapping in gym class, i would talk to the principal since the gym teacher is denying it, and since you said that your daughter usually tells the truth.

and about her not wanting to go back, just talk to her calmly and explain that everyone goes through this when they start school. tell her to just give it a chance.

but what that gym teacher did was wrong. you do not slap a child, even if they disagree with what the child is doing.

but i wish you and your daughter luck.

Answer 14

I am sorry that your daughter had such a horrible experience.  Have you filed a complaint with the school about the teacher abusing your child?  Definitely do that.

I homeschool my children, and would be glad to offer advice.  You can email me via my profile, or just add @msn.com to my screenname.

Be careful, you do not want your daughter to develop a dislike of learning because of this horrible experience.  

Answer 15

You need to speak to the school board and possibly even the board of education for your state.  No teacher should ever put a hand on a student.  This form to allow hitting a child is outrageous and needs to be thrown out.  I would consider taking your daughter out of school until this is worked out.  You may even what to contact the media to put some pressure on the school.

Answer 16

i starred this a while ago, cause i was out of answers, so i came back to it.

any-who, from mother to mother, don't home school. especially with her being unsocial already, you need her to gain those social skills at this age.

also, the teacher might be right about her being unruly today, she wasn't in an environment that she knows, she was probably acting out.

and i'm sorry to say, but kids do lie. even if you say she is the most honest child ever, it's pretty much natural for them to lie from time to time.

especially if she thinks she will be punished.

you really need to sit her down and tell her, that no matter what you need the truth. tell her she will be in a lot less trouble if she tells the truth then if she lies.

PE tends to be a hard class for kids, at that age it's usually just fun and games, but with her social skills not being up to par, she most likely didn't enjoy it.

but if you really believe that the teacher slapped her, you need to go to the principal right away, when you take her to school in the morning, don't even take her to class, take her right to the principals office and speak with him/her.

good luck

Answer 17

GO STRAIGHT TO THE TOP WITH THIS ONE, AND DO NOT FORCE YOUR DAUGHTER TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, not immediately anyhow.

You absolutely need to speak with the principle about both thr gym teacher's actions and her primary teachers reaction.  They have, in fact, violated your daughters right to an education.  It is not acceptable at all, as you already know.  From what I read, it sounds like her teacher has an attitude toward her...like she expects deviant behavior and reacts harshly (impatiently) toward her because of this.  As a former preschool teacher, I have seen this occur time and time again.  Teachers do have favorites many times, and they also have kids that they just dont connect with and in the process it affects those children's experience.  From what I have seen, the kids that the teacher doesnt connect with become more defiant as a plea for attention - which affects the entire school experience.  The kids dont want to play with them because of the teachers label of them, they lose out on education because of disciplinary action, they overall learn to hate school because all of teachers learn that "so and so is a problem in the classroom" and so the saga continues until they have graduated and by then it has had devistating affects on their self worth.  Its a sad game that some kids have to play, you DO NOT want your daughter to head in that direction now.  As I said before, talk to the principal and if you still arent heard go to the superintendent.        

Not to mention, your daughter may be gifted which means she is ENTITLED to an education based on her level - which could mean her advancing a grade.  You really should have some assessments done (IQ), to see where she lies exactly educationally.  I know the schools have them, because that is how they assess children who were once homeschooled and their progress to see which grade level would be most efficient.  If your daughter has mastered kindergarten expectations you may request this be done when you meet with the principal.  Though, it sounds like she may be delayed socially which kindergarten helps with.  

Another concern that popped out when reading your discription of your daughter is high functioning autism (Asperger's syndrome) - also known as autistic savants.  It is rare that a diagnosis be made for this at her age but it might be worth talking with her Dr.  The good news here is that, if this were the case, she will be a highly functional adult.  Einstein and Freud have been thought to have has Asperger's sydrome, in a time before we knew what we know now.

As for corporal punishment, im not a fan.  The punishment has to fit the crime.  So smacking a child for speaking during quiet time, for example doesnt sit well with me.  I have spanked, when little hands were reaching for a hot stove, or playing with a lighter.  You see...both of those could have been harmful, so spanking them allowed them to see and feel how scary that could have been.  If a child speaks during quiet time...extend the quiet time....If a child fails to do his work on time, discipline him by increasing his workload.  Ya feel me?  Kids need to feel safe in school, not threatened.  

Good luck to you both!!!    

Answer 18

Your daughter does sound gifted, and I have to disagree with the first couple answers already given.

Gifted children tend to be some of the most sensitive and emotional ones. This is not always the case, but for many, they do poorly in school because they can't limit and contain their minds to the boring box the school systems have created.

I would say to send your daughter back for another week or two to see if she gets used to school and begins to like it, or if there really is a problem. The way the public school system is set up, I have heard from parents and friends that communication between the school and the families is usually cold and very poor.

You might want to try homeschooling. Your daughter will be able to learn at her own pace, going more in-depth with things she is interested in. For gifted children, this is very important, because otherwise it can just be miserable. Naturally, there are lots of things that kids just have to learn and will hate but have to get over, but one of the worst feelings in the world [at least for me] is when we cover something in class that I'm interested in and then just skip right over it, because then it just beats down one's motivation to continue on with studies. There will be more opportunities for independent study, I believe. I have a lot of homeschooled friends and have tried to find out as much as I can about the way things are done; it seems like a really neat approach to education and learning.

You could always test out another school if you are picking up that maybe she enjoys the interaction but just is unhappy with the school itself. I don't know. :-/

Hope this helps and good luck!

Answer 19

Your daughter sounds like she may be a spoiled brat, you were not there to see the smack, maybe she smacked her hands to keep your daughter from the scissors which may have caused harm to other better behaved students.

Eventually your daughter will learn that the world does not revolve around her and that she needs to eat her lunch in the time allotted and not when she feels like it. The school is not out to get your daughter. Homeschooling her may be good, you can coddle her and let her live in a fake world in which everything revolves around her.

The teachers at the school are not the problem, your child seems to be having trouble adjusting to discipline and working with others,

You can leave her in the school so that she can learn, or you can take her out and deal with this problem later on down the road.

Good Luck.