Horse Essay, What do you think...informative?

Question

I want to know what you think of my essay, do you as a reader walk away more informed on the realities of equine cruelty? Any comments are helpful comments!!

It’s really a horrible life for horses when they are used in circuses. More and more people are becoming aware of the cruelty to elephants and bears and big cats but horses and ponies are overlooked.

"Horses and ponies are among the most commonly used animals in circuses, they receive the least protection, as they are excluded from federal regulation under the Animal Welfare Act. Positive reinforcement alone will not compel any animal to follow commands to perform the types of complex maneuvers in the typical circus routine—day after day, hundreds of times a year. There will be days when an animal does not feel well or, for whatever reason, does not wish to perform. Because circuses have to satisfy paying customers, trainers cannot afford to let an animal “get away with” a poor performance

Answer 1

animalluva, horses are very sensitive to touch, They twitch when a fly lands on them.

Good Job, spread the word!

Answer 2

I really like your paragraph, but the website ugh. PETA people are crackpots. They believe severely whipping is one or two smacks with the crop. They just don't get the horses can barley feel them and move away because on the sound. And with the trainers pinching the dogs as the "pet them" you would be able to see a dogs reaction if that was going on.

Answer 3

Okay... I'm going to try and give you some helpful advice for your writing.  Here it goes:

Your fifth and sixth paragraphs seem to stray away from the topic of the circus.

Instead of telling your readers to do the research themselves, show in your writing that you have already done the research.

Remember that not all internet sources are "good" sources, meaning that they are not all unbiased.  It seems like you used a lot of sources that are biased.  You are probably looking at all the bad things that people have witnessed at circuses, but how do you know if that is normal?  I'm sure not all circuses work the same.  Remember that there are ups and downs for every argument.  Yours would be more convincing if you showed what some people think is good about the circus horses or how they are treated and then convinced the reader that it is wrong.

Sorry if some of this is over your head or confusing.  Good idea for the essay, but it needs some editing.  Good luck!

Answer 4

You really shouldn't be posting this stuff, sure 95 percent of it is true. But what about the  5 percent of family owned petting zoos, there animals are there pets and they treat them very well, think before you ask.

Answer 5

Its VERY opinionated. I get the whole cruelty thing and I got kinda bored reading about because it blew things really out of proportion. I think a reader is going to be like "Well sucks to be a pony... Hey I rode one of those things once and it bit me. Man, those things are mean." Its the responce I always get.

Answer 6

I would start re organizing the information and add some more to it... you could start off as...

(P=Paragraph)

P1Introduction: Tell the reader what your topic is about and what the paper is about

P2Use sympathy, nostalgic(wanting for the past) point of views, or like bandwagon to show good things

P3 Use something different than you did for P2 like sympathy for the bad things. You could list the bad things then go into an example for them each of real events.

P4Conclusion ending Paragraph: Bring the essay to a conclusion and make a point on everything you mentioned. Gather all of the loose ends to make sure the reader isn't left with a hanging end or questions.

You also get off topic near the end and I though at first that you weren't talking about the circus... maybe try to tie that in a bit better

The information is good! Just smooth out the rough edges and it will be great!

Answer 7

what matypoe said. Think before u post...