How's my poem????please DO TELL ME...?

Question

The Birds were chirping

and it was beginning to dawn

I was anxiously standing

in the centre of the lawn

the sun was becoming a glowing red

the streams were getting

ready to go to bed

the sky was totally clear

and glowing as a red new pear

soon i saw a group of white birds

coming from the east as cattle herds

quite very pleasant was the breeze

which was blowing with an ease

the stars came out

from their hide-out

from these things i got an idea

so i took my pen and sat for long

and began to write this beautiful song.

How was it????please let me know if i can improve it...

Answer 1

the ryhme scheme is erratic, the metre is off and at one point you rhymed 'out' with 'out'. You're okay for 13 but you better practice lots if your hoping to be a published poet or anything. For a poem you might show your mum its good- for a real poem it needs work.

Answer 2

at 13, a poem like this.??...very nice !

Answer 3

Nice Poem...

I think you are still single or just broken your relationship with any one, you pain is showing in this poem. You are so lonely.

Answer 4

you should really be a poet. its a very nice poem. whats your age??? if u are below 15 i think that u really have makings ofa  poet inside u

Answer 5

Good on you for writing, but I think your rhythm is a bit off - for example "I was anxiously standing in the centre of the lawn" and "ready to go to bed the sky was totally clear". If you say those lines in your head or out loud they don't flow well so maybe you could change them around a bit. And also, you don't need to say both "quite" and "very" when describing the breeze because it's bad grammar and you're overstating. Thats just my opinion. Good luck with it.

Answer 6

Well...

I see no pain in the poem, definitely not. You simply described the beauty of nature as you already have stated. But it could use a little more work on it. For 13, it' was quite good. I'm sure you could make it better though.