How's this beginning?

Question

We're writing novels in Language Arts, and I just wanted to know what everyone thought of my beginning?

"Oh my gosh, I think it's starting to swell."

"It might be a concussion."

"Is she even breathing?"

I never realized how comfortable the gym floor was- especially when you're sporting a nasty bump on the side of your head, and your surrounded by a bunch of musty, nosy 8th graders.

I thought about opening my eyes to assure everyone I was still alive, but I was starting to get enjoyment from listening to them cluelessly talk amongst themselves.

I kept my eyes closed and could faintly recognize a familiar voice that seemed to be coming towards the mass that had formed around me.

"Excuse me.....please move....ya'll back up! Everybody just back up!"

I finally opened my eyes ignoring the dramatic gasps and I shifted my head to see Cassie swiftly maneuvering around a large group of girls. She held out a foggy bag of ice and ordered me to put it on my head.

Answer 1

It's good, but your surrounded, s/b you're.

Answer 2

wow!!! .......its a really gooood beginning

Answer 3

That is a great start! I really liked it. I drags you in with the comments people were saying.

Answer 4

ohhh! i like it!!!! its a good hook it leaves the reader asking for more.

Answer 5

wow dats great u deserve an A!!!!!!!!

sorry if my answer did not help

please 4give me :(

Answer 6

i love it! i think it's hilarious!

.....

Sorry, i have a strange sense of humor. Good luck with your novel!!

C

Answer 7

omg its great.it makes me wanna read the rest, but its not here.

Answer 8

It's good, but doesn't really grab me. Where is this going?

Answer 9

I like. The first lines pull you in, which is what a good book should do. But there are some extra words that are clogging up the second paragraph and beyond.

I didn't know the gym floor was so comfortable. Of course, that could be nasty bump on the side of my head.

Surrounded by musty, nosy 8th graders, I considered opening my eyes but the enjoyment of making listening to them talk about whether I was still alive was too entertaining.

That's when I heard her voice.

"Excuse me... please move.. ya'll back up! Everybody just back up?"

(Now at this point, tell me why you decide to open your eyes for this person. Did you Suddenlky open your eyes? Did the crowd jump back? Either skip the ignoring the dramatic gasps or make it more a part of the shock of hte moment.)