How Can I Get More Help?

Question

There is a bit of age difference between my husband and I (he's 18 years older). I grew up knowing household responsbilities were to be shared. He grew up watching his mother work, cook, clean, and take care of the house. He also always says he doesn't need a woman to take care of everything. If that's the case, why is he always on my butt to clean the house, take care of the kids, cook, all while I work full time?

Right now I'm on maternity leave, but when I return to work, my typical day will be something like this:

Get up and get myself ready to go. Get something together for breakfast while tending to our newborn son. I'll probably also get his lunch packed up and remind him to take his diabetes and blood pressure medicines and make sure he's got all the stuff he needs for work that day. After he leaves, I'll have to get our children ready to go to daycare and drop them off. Then go to work for at least 9 hours and deal with all the c**p at work. Go pick up the kids from daycare, make dinner, clean up dinner and wash dishes, get everything together for the kids for tomorrow, get our lunches in their Tupperware and then give my 2 year old a bath and get her to bed. I've got to get everyone's clothes ready then we go to bed. I'll be the one who has to wake up overnight to feed the baby - he claims he doesn't hear him. Then get up the next day to repeat this process.

He and I both work full time jobs. His hours are from 7am to 3pm, so he's off from work at least an hour and a half before I am (I work 7:30am to 4:30pm). While I'm doing this, he's watching TV or playing his PSP. Or there's always the cell phone or the fact he thinks he needs to go outside to smoke. All while I'm busting my butt. I complain to him all the time asking for help, but never seem to receive it. Normally what I do receive his him complaining about how the food was cooked, or that I didn't do my daughter's hair good enough, or he complains that I didn't read his mind and wash something I was supposed to know he wanted to wear.

I get to the point that I slack off on everything because I want him to do something, only to get bitched at. If I tell him he needs to help out, all I hear is "then I don't need a woman", which gets on my nerves and it usually leads to a fight, which he never apologizes for.

After all that rambling, I just want to know if there's a way I can approach him, without some bullsh*t fight to make him understand that I can't do everything by myself.

Thanks for your help!

Answer 1

I honestly know your situation. The age difference is a big deal I'm sad to say. Have you sought counseling. I started going first then shortly after that my husband and I started couples counseling. I'll be honest and say it didn't fix everything but it did help. My husband doesn't do as much as I wish he would but he does do more than he did before.

One time before counseling I went on "strike". He had yelled at me and said he could take care of himself, so I took care of my children  and my needs and left anything that was his for him to do. I didn't take long before he realized that he wasn't taking care of himself and another disagreement took place, but I did bring up his own words to him. It only helped for a while but it did help.

Maybe go visit family with the children and leave him home to fend for himself.

But most of all get into counseling.

Answer 2

If he is a traditional male, he will understand if you need to go to part-time employment or work from home.  If he wants to be cared for properly, you should not be working outside of the home.

Or, you could hire someone to come in and help you with the household chores.

You would be surprised how very little it costs.

Join a local moms group and see if someone is available to help you out.

There is NO reason for you to be miserable.  

These are supposed to be the BEST years of your life!

Get the help now.  Enjoy your kids and family.

There is going to come a day when YOU are having to stay at home to  care for your husband.

Try to make the most of the time you have now.