How Can I Help My Ex Husband To Move On?

Question

I want answers from serious, compassionate people only please. My ex husband is having a hard time letting go. He is always depressed and calls me constantly because he is lonely. I care about him for he is the father of my children but I am no longer in love with him. I am now happily married to a wonderful guy. I am happy but feel guilty for my own happiness because of my ex husband's sadness even though the divorce was his fault. He has always been dependent on me and is finding it difficult to live on his own without me. I want to be happy but find it hard to be when he is not. Why am I like this? I wish so much to be released from feeling guilty for being happy. Please someone help to advise me on how what to do about this Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do? I sadly admit there are times I find my ex husbands sadness as a burden. I am tired of reasureing him, tired of listening to his complaints of loneliness, tired of seeing him unhappy. What is wrong with me. Serious answers only as I am really having a very hard time with this.

Answer 1

my fiance is going thought the same thing and yes she feels the same way. the only way you are going to(help him) is stop being there for him to dump on you.  if it was (partly) his fault then you should not feel guilt!  one thing i will tell you i don't care how great your new husband is this is going to get on his nerves and can/will be a problem because it is affecting him too, by taking time away from him, him feeling that your ex is in the way of your marriage and that you don't put him as number 1.  good luck and again you have to stop being there for your ex.

Answer 2

Seriously...help find him a girl friend. Are you strong enough in love with your new man to do that? Take Care

Answer 3

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about it, you need to focus on your new relationship and your new life.

Answer 4

who knows teill now u loves him...console him to have another mirrage

Answer 5

This is a serious answer. Go to the codependents anonymoues website through an engine search, and mail it to your former husband. You BOTH must read this thoroughly and both attend separate codependents anonymous meetings if they are nearby. If not, deal with the issues in therapy.

Actually, he is using you and you are weak and falling for it, feeling responsible somehow for his situation. That uis codependent be4havior in part....both of you...Let me ASSURE you he CHOSE to be the way he is,. and he can chose NOT to be that way. He could see a shrink and get onto meds. He sounds massively depressed which could be chemical but is often created or both.

Answer 6

I can relate to your situation, the feelings of guilt are normal, as you once cared for this man & had children with him, I would be more worried if you didn,t care, this would mean you were a non-caring individual. Theirs no easy answers for this, nor is their a quick fix sollution. What you can do is explain as best that you can to your ex that outside of disgussing your children, you will no longer speak to him about his feelings or his unhappiness, tell him if he wants to talk about his feelings that he needs to talk with a counselor, not his ex-wife. The only sure way that hes gonna move on is if you put a stop to being his shoulder to lean on, as this only sets him up for failure, so in order for him to let go, you must to, so no more talking to him about anything but the welfare of the children! Good Luck

Answer 7

Its very serious question. Very difficult to answer. Please ask advice from your husband! Best person who can help you in any matter is your life partner!

Answer 8

Cut him off... Dont Answer all his calls.  Dont listen.. DONT be the one he is depending on.   Keep it civil... If he calls about the kids.. Cool but if its just to cry and talk about how lonley he is.. You have to draw the line somewhere.. Dont let him get you into that guilt trip

Answer 9

Yes I've dealt with something almost exactly like this.  It is VERY difficult.  My ex was actually more on the violent side, but still had the loneliness and sadness to it.  I don't know that there is a good answer, I know that advice I got from professionals was to NOT talk to her AT ALL.  After a awhile, it seemed to work.  So I think that it is probably good advice. I know he is the father of your kids so that may be tough.  Either have your current husband deal with him (which I think is the best choice) or you will have to discipline yourself to only talk to him about technical aspects of managing your kids etc.  No listening to him whine, no talking about your past involvement or how much he is lonely.  Because honestly, it isn't your problem.  You seem like a nice person, and even though your ex deserves to be happy, so do you.  These type of people are tricky, if you get on the phone with them and talk about kids they turn it into "what went wrong" or "oh please help me" so quick it makes your head spin, and its like you just HAVE to tell them something. but you don't. you can say "I'm not talking to you about that, anymore"  but honestly with people who are sort of obsessed and hanging on, i've been told that they take every little interaction, every little conversation and turn it into a possibility for future relationship in their mind.  Its weird, but maybe that's where he is.  He isn't moving on because he thinks maybe if he can just talk to you enough, make you feel sad enough then you'll come back and he sees every interaction as a step further towards this goal.  My advice: STOP interacting with him, in every way that you can.  This misery will just continue if you don't take firm action.  And without a serious change in the dynamic he won't change.  

Answer 10

You r the master of your life as he is to his. Have no guilty for your own happiness and pleasure. If he is sad it is wat HE has chosen not YOU.

Its highly admirable you r caring for your ex. But remember you are no more his. You are a wife of someone else. If you care for him too much you could even jeoparadize your current marriage.

Don't look after him as his former wife. Rather see him as your best friend. After all he was at your times of joy  and sorrow. If your best friend is sad certainly you would emphethise with him. You may wish to bring him out of his position but that does not mean that you should  lose your own happiness.

You are feeling bad and guilty because you see yourself as the cause of all his misery. You feel yourself a b***h for being happy upon drowning a man. Alas! this is not true. This is the life he has chosen. HE AGREED TO GIVE YOU DIVORCE.

It appears that he is a very dependent person. Unfortunately there very little that you could do to bring him out of his desposition.  Are you in a position to find him a new suitable wife? No.

tell him softly but clearly that you are now only his friend and that you have certain limitations in reaching for him. Help him as much as you can but only as a friend.

Even if he is very dependent on you, he shall feel depresses only until he met another suitable woman. If she is more suitable than you he would enjoy his life even more than you. Then you would feel...' For what the h**l did i feel sorry about'!

  

Answer 11

Remind him that the situation is permanent.  Maybe you can suggest to him to join a group of divorcees' or something of that nature to discuss his issues.  He may be able to meet someone else if he joins a club where he shares a mutual interest in something.  Perhaps a softball or biking club.  He will never find happiness unless he puts himself out there and, it is only something that he can do.

Answer 12

Getting a peaceful and happy life is surely lucky, unfortunetly ur ex-husbad is not that lucky.i really can understand how horrible for a person to live alone like a mummy in the box. please right now treat him like a friend and take sometime out and make him understand the reality and ask him to move on with life.you didnt say how many children you have.if your husbad loves your children please let ur children with him atleast that would make him feel home.

Answer 13

I think you are having a hard time letting go, too, or else you'd be more forceful with him.  If I were your new husband, I'd be very upset that you still seem to have this attachment to your ex.  I'd especially be upset if he were calling you all the time.  You can't keep feeling sorry for him.  Just tell him to stop it.  Or better yet, if your husband feels up to it, have your husband tell him to stop it.  If he knows your husband is pee-ed off, maybe he'll leave you alone then.

Answer 14

Send him back the child support he pays for a while so he can spend it on dating.

Answer 15

You sound like a compassionate person who feels responsible for helping others when they are unhappy.  Your ex-husband, who's well aware of your character, is using your compassion to control you.  He has learned that if he if presents himself to you as helpless and needing mothering, you will respond with sympathy and attention.  The only thing that is wrong with you is that it's hard to let go of the power inherent in being "needed".

You've tried reassuring him and listening to his complaints and feeling sorry for him because he's unhappy, but none of those things have made him feel better and they make you feel worse.  How about saying, "Well, I tried to make things better for you when we were married and never succeeded so there's no reason to believe I can fix things for you now. Your problems sound very serious to me and I think the time has come for you to try a professional counselor."

At this point, your ex-husband needs to be sad and depressed in order to get your attention away from your new life.  The more attention you give him by letting him talk about himself and the more that attention encourages him to continue feeling sorry for himself, the more sad and depressed he will become.  Get caller ID so you can choose whether or not to answer his calls, and ask him in every single call you do take about what he's done to start getting professional help.  Your best efforts have not succeeded, it's obviously time to turn his 'case' over to someone else better qualified, and there's no reason to feel guilty about that.

Answer 16

  Your paying attention to him prevents him from  going out to meet other girls . You cant really help him get back on his feet . He has to do that , after he stops feeling sorry for himself -