How Can I Let My Son Grow Up?

Question

Lars we're going through a divorce and I haven't changed my profile!

Answer 1

8:30?  you are ******* crazy.

Answer 2

let him go if he wants to go with his dad let him let him see the world the way it really is you must let him go any person can be abusive when pushed over their limit most children wont do that to their parents but spouses do it all the time

Answer 3

As a parent we want the absolute best for our children, and in all honesty we DO know what is best for them.  However, it sounds like you truly care about your son and have most likely done a fine job of raising him, and you need to trust yourself by giving him the space he needs as a teenager.

I'm very happy for you that you have admitted that it is YOUR problem that this is happening, and I think anyone in your situtation, someone who is used to having 'babies' around for 36 years and has just gone through what sounds like a messy separation would be doing the same.  And kudos to you for remembering it is NOT your job to be the 'friend mom', you are the disciplinarian in his life and setting strong boundaries are just a reflection of your love for him.

The truth is you are setting him up for failure in life whether that is how you perceive it or not.  Micromanaging him will only keep him from ever trusting his own judegment and doing things for himself- that may give you an ego boost, but it will hurt his own self esteem.  Low self esteem is the main component kids who 'go down the wrong path' and I am sure that is not what you wish for your son, nor is your intention at all in your behavior.

It sounds like when you finally DO let go you will no longer be in control/responsible for a child's decisions, and since you have been in that position for so many years of course it will be hard!

I believe behavior therapy to be the best choice- and by that I mean you need to force yourself NOT TO pinch his cheeks, NOT TO call him cutesy names, etc. The first few times will be the hardest and of course there will be slipups, but I think you will be proud to see that your son WILL make good decisions and WILL respect the room you are giving him to grow.   And bear in mind there will be times when he doesn't and that's ok too, its part of learning to think for himself.

Remember, the greatest gifts you ever can give your child are the gift of independence and confident.

Best of luck :)

Answer 4

I think it's interesting that you are totally aware of your own behavior (even able to list specifics) and yet you do nothing to change it.  If you were in an abusive relationship before you should be an expert at how lousy you feel when someone else is controlling your life.  The ultimate goal is to have your son grow up and be independent, self reliant and successful, right?  Then why wouldn't you do everything in your power to help him achieve that goal?  Being protective in a normal maternal instinct.  Being super protective, is selfish.  You're actually putting your emotions ahead of your sons needs.  Being able to see your child as an equal and forming an adult relationship with him is a higher level of closeness than anything you've experienced before.  Stop thinking about your own needs and give the opportunity to become self reliant.  He's going to leave your house sooner or later.  Make sure he has the confidence and experience to make smart decisions for himself.  You'll also ensure that the two of you have a long and healthy adult relationship.

Answer 5

wow, if you've seen counselors and they couldn't help you I don't know how we can.  You need help though, wow, your poor son, he will end up rebelling very soon or running away!

Answer 6

You need to realise that he will only be living with you for maybe only 2-4 more years. As soon as he's 16 he can leave, so you need to let him get adjusted to being independent, but I do think your a bit, well, crazy! Pinching his cheeks! Reading him a story! I can see why he wants to be with his dad!

Answer 7

You should let him have a later curfew (but not too much later) and let him go to bed later.  Don't read him a story or tuck him in, unless he wants you to.

It's good that you care about him, but it seems like you're babying him too much.  Let him have a little more freedom and you'll become the 'cool mom'.

Answer 8

8 30- lets raise that to at least 9- let him go to only his good friends house- no more pinchy cheeks- kiss him goodnight-let him do the tucking-let him walk short distances olone do not read him stories!!!

give him freedom little by little - hes a good kid -trust him

Answer 9

From your profile:

"I've been married for 26 amazing years to a wonderful man and we had 9 beautiful kids. I have 7 grandchildren and am expecting another that is due this coming Summer."

Wait... he abuses you, occasionally your kids, you went to court about it, your son's not allowed to see him or get arrested, and you're still married? And he's a wonderful man?

You really need to relax around your son. Let him grow up. If you want a baby, get a pet. Whatever you do, don't continue to torture him. What you're doing could end up seriously hurting him for the rest of your life.

Answer 10

It's natural for you as his mother to want to protect him, but he's 14. You just need to give him space while still looking out for him. Just don't make it so obvious that he feels like you're always getting in the way of him growing up.

Answer 11

Given similar situation I can see your worries. You are protecting your child so that he cannot get hurt but your forgetting a key point. We all learn by mistakes.

I can tell you to be careful, don't take advice and then go opposite and let him do lots because then he will have culture shock!

By creating this protection for your son you have now created a situation where he is not equal to his peers. This can cause alot of issues as he starts to try to become independent.

Give him an inch. Start with something easy. Let him stay up a little later...maybe make it movie time so you can both share but you still have some hold. Just let him pick the movie.

You don't want your son to grow into an adult and have no life experiences of mistakes..he won't know what to do. He could suffer for that longer and you will feel bad.

Let your son grow up. In the end, kids have a way of looking back and seeing who was there for them, who protected them and they will love you for it as long as you let them learn on thier own.

As you learn, your son does to. Show him the way.

Answer 12

As a mother myself, I am telling you right now that you have major problems and should stop taking them out on your son.

You are smothering that poor young man.  As hard as you are trying to raise him, you are pushing him away.  When he is 18, he will run as fast as he can and never look back.

Get a puppy or something and put your affections towards it.  Your son is way too old to be tucked into bed and read a story to............. come on lady,  get a grip.

Let tonight be your first step.  DO NOT tuck him in or read him a bed-time story.

Let the kid have a sleep over at his house a few times then let him start going to some.  I bet you your son is the laughing stock of his school.  REALLY............. get a grip.

JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! before I come and slap you.

mb

Answer 13

Honey, He is 14, I know it is hard to let go of that youngest child, but do you want him to be g*y. At least let him stay up tell 9:00pm and go on sleepovers. And stop pinching that pour boy's checks. I do not see nothing wrong going in and giving him a kiss on the cheek when he goes to bed if is does not bother him, but I am sure he is being teased by his friends. I think a lot of it has to do with him not being able to see his father, and not on his part, but yours. You feel guilty, and so you do not want to let him grow up, but let him grow into a man and not a sissy. I do not mean this badly, but I think you need some counseling. I had four boys, and I dealt with the same kind of man. and I know it is hard, but for that boy's sake, give him some space.

Answer 14

he's 14 for crying out loud. Quit reading him stories, no tucking in, and no more nicknames. My daughter stopped all that at 6 to 7! Let him go to bed later, when I was 11 I went to bed at 9:30. Give him a cell phone too, I am sure his friends have them. Maybe buy him an Ipod for whatever occasion.