How Can I raise my son's self esteem?

Question

Here's a little background- My son is in the Sixth Grade and I feel his self esteem is a little low. He's a very smart child but when he's around children that are aggresive or likes to trash talk alot (ex. U can't play basketball or I'm going to knock you out) my son either cries or stands their and just takes the abuse. There's been plenty of times when I ask him why does he cry or why can't he respond with a simple stop talking to me like that or I can play ball- And my son tells me it doesn't bother him, but when the subject comes up he begins to cry with me. I've taken my son to Karate class before when he was 6 or 7 years old but we stopped. My son says he does not want to go to these classes... and he's not interested in Karate. He's around children at school and a couple a days out of the week he plays outside with the neighbors. I don't agree with "play fighting" or "play wrestling" and nor does my son.... but I see many boys love too. I see this is another time when my son becomes upset and begins to cry when boys try to "play fight" with him. Any other time my son is a happy silly young boy except when someone becomes upset! Please give advice on other ways I can help raise his self esteem!

Answer 1

I hope what I'm about to say doesn't sound too judgmental.

Children copy their parents behavior most of the time. Do you stand up for yourself?

You say that you don't like "play fighting" or "play wrestling", but as long as they are just playing and nobody gets hurt it's a great way for boys to develop socially. Could it be that because you don't like it, your son has learned to be afraid of it? What are the things you tell him about playing with other boys? Is he an only child?

You can build a child's self esteem by allowing them to find out things for themselves. By doing things for themselves. By solving their own problems. I know as a parent it's hard to see your child suffer and you want to do everything you can to protect them, but they sometimes need to fail in order to learn and get stronger.

Again I hope this doesn't sound judgmental. Just trying to give you another perspective, in case you haven't thought about this before.

I agree with Lance's answer. Fighting back, physically, only leads to trouble and more suffering.

Good luck. I wish you both all the best.

Answer 2

Oh God. He sounds like my little brother. He breaks out into tears like a little girl when people make fun of him and has absolutely no self-esteem and confidence.

He is so much of a wuss that I sometimes wish I could pound the living c**p out of him. He's 16, damnit!!! 16 year olds don't cry over puny little insults!!! He is such a wuss now, that I can't imagine how he will even survive in the real world.

Anyway, back to your question. DO NOT teach him ways to defend himself. Contrary to what most people say, learning karate to does NOT work. Why? Well, for one, if he is being teased, the people picking on him are usually bigger and stronger...and in groups. Two, fighting in school results in suspension. My brother tried to fight back and well....got suspended. So DO NOT teach him to fight back or defend himself. You will have more serious problems later than if he stands and cries.

How to pump up his self-esteem? Simple. Tell your son to "think" whoever is teasing him...is a nothing but a piece of **** and that he will end up being a balding, limp homeless bum feeding on garbage. I mean, how insulting is a balding, limp homeless garbage eating bum saying "You dress stupid." or "Your hair smells." NONE!!!

So...as long as he can picture them like that, their insults will not affect him. Its been working for me years. When people say things like "I am better than you in every fuking way, btch.", I just picture them as some retarded shitbag and say "LOL, sure...." Then I laugh and walk away.

To answer the second part of your question, it is not okay to be rude. Two wrongs don't make a right, it makes a broken arm and a leg.

To me, there really is no reason to be rude. Rude people are just people who cannot express themselves well. Same goes to people who use the f-word after every sentence.

However....every living thing as a tendency to get angry when he or she is hurt. Some cry out of anger, some fight. Keeping that anger inside you is not healthy either. The best way to neutralize anger is to express it passively...., in other words...getting rid of it without lawsuits or severe consequences. If you can do that, you can stay polite and gentlemenly on the outside, while getting revenge on the inside. A healthy way to release stress and will not cause too much trouble.

Answer 3

Your son should have some strong, positive and safe male role models in his life because he will learn more from what he actually sees and experiences personally than from what anyone may try to tell him. Often loving parents tend to overprotect their children instead of allowing the kids to handle problems/negative situations on their own. Obviously, your son isn't interested in anything which involves too much physical contact so perhaps he could try something like chess, golf, bowling, etc. While he's doing this he will certainly meet other guys with his same interests and personal values. Of course, a school counselor or other trusted professional could assist you and your child with your concerns.

I wish you the very best!

Answer 4

i don't really know about boys, but i had a really low self-esteem when i was that grade. i know how it feels, and it's very dangerous nowadays. i've seen so many kids get sucked into really lower-class group of kids who aren't good kids. i think maybe he needs to find what he likes, what he's good at, but most of all, what he enjoys doing. maybe a new group of friends would help. if he doesn't agree with what they're doing, then he needs to find a nice group of kids who share the same beliefs as him. maybe a church group? or maybe one of the family friends may have a son or daughter of his age? maybe you could urge him to join clubs at school, like a computer club or honor soceity, or in my school we had a teen court. it's where kids were the jury of the school. maybe some after school activies like tutoring kids? i hope you find something!

Answer 5

Call about to different martial arts places and ask if he can participate in one class to see if he likes it... there may be one he likes but hasn't tried. Judo is a popular one.

Any type of sport that isn't overly competitive will help with his self esteem... soccer is a good one, even swim teams.

I also recommend a counselor. Not sticking up for himself is going to cause him more troubles, including isolation which is clearly already starting. He needs a safe place to open up and learn to be assertive... counseling will give him that.

Answer 6

Wow does this sound like my son when he was age 5 to age 8.   My husband wasn't around to "toughen" him up and the kids just ate him up.   I was a "hover" mom and tried to make everything okay for him.   I wish I just sort of let him be himself and gave him more space.

Answer 7

he sounds nice, y not try and find other boys like him, don't take this the wrong way it MIGHT be good to find some girls too he seems gentle and sensitive maybe finding more kids like him would be best. give him some time, talk to him, encourage him to express how he feels to you. just talk, like your his best friends not his mom, it should work =]

Answer 8

I think your son just may be really sensitive. Not all boys like to wrestle or push each other or act crazy :) Actually, the quiet smart ones are usually the ones who think deeply and contribute quite a lot to this world when they grow up.

I would just talk with your son and ask him what seems to bother him. He may react by crying because he feels like he "should" be tough but it's just not his nature. Tell him to embrace who he is and he "shouldn't" have to fit any kind of stereotype for how boys are supposed to act.

Continue encouraging him to explore the things he loves and always reassure him that you are there and you love him no matter what.

Answer 9

You have to teach him to talk trash back to these kids.  To stand up to them.  They see he is weak.  It's like with sharks, never let them see you bleed.

Other wise, make sure he has the opportunity to participate in his hobbies.  Soccer, chess, whatever it is.  

IMHO the school system is totally out of control anyway.  If  you really have the guts you could homeschool him and take him to the regular park days in your area.  I'm willing to bet that you'll find that the hs kids are much more kind and compassionate.  You don't have to hide.  Truthfully one has more time to participate in the community.  Volunteer and the library, hospital,  go bowling, go learn physics at your local amusement park.  The complaint about homeschooling is usually that the kids will lack socialization, but hey, who needs this kind of "socialization"  WHAT so you can prepare for the real world where your boss is the new bully...

But hey, that's my thang, you don't have to be into it.