How Do I Deal With a Problem Bridesmaid?

Question

I originally asked 7 girls to be bridesmaids in my wedding. About two months ago one of them completely went off the deep end. She completely snapped on me and dropped out of the wedding. Now, three months before my wedding, one of the girls (who coincidentally is very close with the girl who excused herself from the wedding) is giving me nothing but trouble. First, she couldn't afford the dress - so I paid for it. Then I find out she is going out partying every weekend spending lots of money....if she has the money for that, shouldn't she have the money for the dress? Then, she says that she can't get out of school for the rehearsal and that it's just "bad timing to be in a wedding." I called her out on it and asked her to make a decision. I obviously asked her to be in the wedding for a reason, but it's just becoming painfully obvious that she either doesn't care or doesn't want to be a part. I feel like my wedding is nothing but a hassle for her and I don't want to feel that way. WHAT DO I DO??? Do I ask her to step down? Do I let her tell me what she wants to do? I'm kind of running out of time...

Answer 1

You need to have another discussion with her, and I find difficult talks like this are best held in a public place, that way most people keep their public faces on, and hold the drama, screaming, yelling, etc., to a minimum.  Forget about the dress, you volunteered to pay for it, it doesn't matter now how she's spending her money, that's really none of your business.  I would ask her point blank if she still wants to be in the wedding, and remind her that attending the rehearsal is part of that obligation.  Tell her you understand completely that she has school obligations, and don't want your wedding conflicting with her goals of getting her education, but you need to know one way or the other, and you need to know now.  Tell her exactly what you expect from her if she remains in the wedding party, and that you're counting on her to fulfill her end of the bargain.  Give her an easy out though, and I would make certain to emphasize that if she does decide to not be in the wedding party, you're fine with that (and you need to be fine with whatever she decides here.)  

Remember also, that your bridesmaids have lives of their own, just because YOU'RE thinking about your wedding night and day and day and night doesn't mean THEY are.  Your wedding is your top priority, and it should be, but it's not theirs--nor should it be.  You also need to look carefully at your actions and dealings with your bridesmaids, you've already had 1 drop out, and another is turning flaky on you.  I don't want to make you think this may be your fault, but it just may be, look in the mirror honestly and put yourself in their shoes for a minute.  Remember that above all, these girls are/were your friends, and probably the closest friends you have besides your hubby to be.  You want to those bonds of friendship to remain after your wedding--nothing is worth losing good friends over.  

Good luck!

Answer 2

Ask her to step down.  It doesn't really sound like she wants to participate anyway.  I just got married two weeks ago, and trust me when I tell you this is YOUR day.  Let it be about you two, not this problem bridesmaid.  You want to remember the wedding (and the days surrounding it) as a happy time, not as a hassle, as she is appearing to make it.  It is less stress on you if you just let this girl go.  You've got to do what's best for you.    :)  Good luck!

Answer 3

tell her she is OUT and do not let her make the decision! its your wedding! you should have girl who support you and not people who act as if your wedding is a burden!

Answer 4

Drop her from the wedding. Shes obviously not interested in taking part and being a good friend. Return the dress(if possible). You dont need the extra stress of dealing with her and planning your wedding. You are under no obligation to try to make everyone else happy. This is your day. dump her, and focus on your real friends ( the other bridesmaids). Good luck and congrats!

Answer 5

Give her an ultimatum. Let her know that if this is too much for her she needs to step down, or else she needs to man up and remember that when she agreed to this, she agreed to participate fully. If it is a bad time for her, she should have said no to begin with. Give her a deadline to get her act together. I would tell her that if you don't hear from her by a certain date saying that she will pull it together, then you'll assume she is stepping down and you can move on without her. This will force her to think about it and decide.

As for school, if your wedding is in three months (Oct.) then you might try to be a little understanding. If she's a student, that isn't a good time. That's usually when midterms begin, or at least the preperation for them. I don't know if you're other bridesmaids are in school, but the fall is when things get really crazy for students and those who have kids.

Answer 6

all you have to tell her the truth like you told me and then yes do tell what she wants and if she is partying with all that money but cant buy the dress then that means she DOSNT care and is NOT a good friend ask people who you care about about and ask people that are willing to take her spot and then when its her weding you be the good one and be the bridemaid and then she well feel very stupid.. or just let her do what she wants to do and make sure you have a bak up plan.

Answer 7

You should tell her you can't play around anymore. This is supposed to be the best, most memorable day of your life and she's not helping . Tell her to give you a straight 'yes' or 'no' answer by a certain date.  

Answer 8

If you don't mind stepping on toes, tell her that she's stressing you out more than you are already, are and to decide once and for all if she's in it or not.

If you want to be nice, just ask her what's more important and tell her how you feel, if you don't want to, you could always get someone else to tell her too, although probably won't be as effective.

Remember that you have every right to give her a bit of trouble! This is YOUR day not hers!

Oh and congrats on getting married!!

Answer 9

You tell her to get the stepping. It is an honor to be someones bridesmaid    and obviously you cared for her if you asked her to be in the wedding. You have enough things to worry about besides some ungrateful person claiming they have no money. She just doesn't seem like she wants to be in the wedding. It is YOUR wedding and you have been kind enough. Do what you want to do, she has no right to tell you what she wants when she has been such a pain. You don't need or want her in your wedding. It is supposed to be a happy day. Good luck.

Answer 10

Don't waste your breathe!!!!! Drop her like a badddddddd habbit!

She sounds lie a selfish B****h! and then you go and pay for her dress! h**l NO!!!!!!!!!!!! and even if you asked her well how do you have money to party! she will just lie and say well Im not paying for it when I go out! or something! sooooooo I would just ignore her *** and tell her!

YOU know what this is BAD timing you are right! I shouldnt be going through this at all during my wedding planing! If I knew all this was going to happen I would have never asked you and generously paid for your dress to make life more simpler for you! instead of just make things simpler for myself! ANYhow thanks bye!

I would not be her friend anymore! you can  tell she's playing games with you!!!!!!!!!! s***w her in the bung hole!!!!!!!!!

and the other friend too!!!!!! your getting married enjoy your life a nd husband and you can always meet new people along the way! who are more matture and better friends!~

who needs friends like that huni ??????????????

I would rather have no friends then b*****s for friends!

maybe that girl didnt wanna pay for a dress and then you screwed her plan by offering or paying for it! she probably thought! ughhhhhhh

and probably tells other about your stupid wedding she had to go to!

trust me she sounds that baddddddddddddd! DROP both!

GOOD luck on your wedding huni!

OH and If I were your friend I would be there for sure and even if I were broke I would borrow for the dress! and go and even help you prepare for it all! I would offer any help you need! if you have anyone doing that...? thats a true friend and generous person!

but on the other hand if I didnt want to go I would make up excuses!

and complain and act broke etccc and im busy and bad timing etc get it ? she is not your friend!

So enjoy your wedding and either pick someone else or take some out and make it even however you do it...you have eliminated 2 problems!

and if she calls you later just be too busy for her! say ohhhhhh im sorry I am sooooo busy...call me later

then if she does....say Ohhhhhhhhh im sorry im just busy! it must be wrong timing....I just have so much going for me ! I'll just call you when I have time ok hun...? ok buhhhhhhhhhhhhh bye!!!!!

and keep stringing her *** till she gets it! and if she ever hots you up! say you know what....Im just not that into you anymore NOT my type of friend!  

Answer 11

First of all, it is none of your business what she chooses to do with her money.  Believe it or not, being a bridesmaid in your wedding is not the highlight of her year, and she shouldn't be judged for wanting to go out and have fun rather than stay home and save up for a dress she'll never wear again.

Secondly, in defense of the bridesmaid, being asked to be in a wedding is a huge honor, and many girls don't know what they're agreeing to when they accept.  They forget that the bride will likely expect them to cover the cost of their own wedding attire, as well as chip in for any pre-wedding parties or showers, etc.  They just get caught up in the moment and joyfully accept the honor.  Also, it is very hard to decline an invitation to be a bridesmaid- it can be very awkward and I have heard of many a friendship getting ruined because the friend declined the offer to be in the other friend's wedding.  Maybe she just didn't know how to say no.

Anyway, my advice is this- don't kick her out of the wedding, but don't be surprised if she drops out.  Remind yourself why you asked her to be a bridesmaid in the first place (I'm guessing it has more to do with her friendship and less to do with her spending habits or lack of time-management skills), accept her for who she is, warts and all, and remember that it is just one day out of your life, but if you make a big deal out of this, the friendship could be ruined forever.

Answer 12

I know everyone is telling you to ask her to step down, but if she is/was a close enough friend to ask her to be in your wedding, then if you ask her to step down you will most likely loose her friendship forever. If that's not a problem then go ahead. If there is another way though, it may be better to try that first. "A soft answer turneth away wrath". If you have the time and patience to have a calm dicussion with her it may pay off. Find out if something else is bothering her (perhaps the absence of the "dropout") or if it is even something completely unrelated like family problems of the fact that she may be single (or unhappy) herself and is jealous (just speculation). If you can take the time to show some concern as it relates to her (I assume) uncharacteristic behavior you may just get a good friend and valuable alli back. It's never good to unnecessisarily burn any bridges.

Answer 13

Its your wedding and she should be viewing it as a privledge to be a part of it. If she is going to cause drama then just ask her to step down, a bride has other things that she has to deal with, and your bridesmaids are supposed to make this a good experiance not ruin it.

Answer 14

It sounds like she's already made up her mind that she doesn't want to be in the wedding. Let her go, you don't want to have cranky brides maids on your wedding day.  

Answer 15

Wow what a beotch.  I would ask her to step down.  It's clear that she doesn't want to be in the wedding or is just mad because her other friend isn't there...  I would ask her to step down and not to even bother showing up

Answer 16

Ask her to step down! It is your day!  

Answer 17

This is a sticky situation. You said that you asked her to make a decision... what was it? If she hasn't given you one yet, I would ask again. The last thing you need is extra stress especially during these last few months before your wedding.

As far as kicking her out/asking her to step down, what would the ramifications be? Would this just create more of an issue? I am getting married in 5 weeks and I have a bridesmaid who is a bit of a pain. I decided just to ignore her behavior and enjoy my day. If she shows up and wants to have a sour look on her face, then she's the one who will look like a b*tch in the pictures, not me.  

Answer 18

Sounds to me like she is not very mature for her age. I would do one last thing to mend this by inviting her to help you with something like a final fitting or flowers or something. If she backs out of that, then drop her from the wedding. You obviously picked her to be a bridesmaid for a reason and sometimes people do stupid things. I would give her this last chance and if she doesnt make you a priority then let er know exactly what you told us here.  

Answer 19

Drop her! You don't want someone like that on one of the best days of your life. And, stop worrying about it. It's supposed to be about you, not her. And the less stress you have, the better the wedding is going to be.

Answer 20

Well I think it is clear she can't be in the wedding because she has other things to do, which shouldn't be that way if she is your friend.  You can ask or just tell her she won't be in it.  She has already gave you a hard time about it, when your friends are suppose to be helping you and making this one time a positive thing.  I say if someone is making problems for me stay away, you don't need negative people.  If she has money to go out drinking but not money to buy the dress then forget her..don't even worry about it either.