How Is My Writing? Opinions Please. = ]?

Question

Advice please also.

This isn't the start it's around the middle. Her friend has just "committed suicide" but she finds out she was pushed infront of a train, so it looked like she killed herself. It's aimed at young adults.

School was going to be hard today. I questioned what would happen. All that I could remember last night is the darkness, and the emptiness I held with me all night. I think I blacked out, or panicked then fainted. When I woke up I was in my bed. Mum walked in to see if I was okay when I woke up "You alright dear?"

"My head is spinning" as I tried to get of my pillow but I just ended up resting it down again, My head was far too heavy to lift.

"Okay, you stay up here for a bit, Your not going to school today" I was quite relieved as I didn't want to go to school anyway. I couldn't face Annalise or Scarlett. They would have made me guilty, like it was my fault. She took her own life. The problem that crossed my mind over and over again is why did Madison kill herself? Was it because of Joshua? It's not like he and her were very close, not close enough for her to kill herself. They only walked to school together once, but why would she kill herself. She had her whole life going for her. It just doesn't make any sense. My head is full of the possiblititys why she could of killed herself. Me and Joshua, Her parents, school.. but none of them were so much to drive her to kill herself. So why did she do it? All the time in bed I was wondering why. I had to do something to take my mind of her. Did she want this to happen to me? for me to be in such pain. It burns my heart. She was such a good friend and she did this to hurt us. I was crying on and off all day. I've never had so much pain. It made my heart ache. I wondered how everyone else was taking this. Were they taking it better than me? Worse than me? I just wanted to be left alone. I started to pick my book up to read.

Answer 1

'Kill herself' is repeated too much, and you have made some obvious spelling mistakes. And crying 'on and off' gives the wrong sort of impression as if it wasn't really that important.

However it is interesting.

Help me? http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/ind...

Answer 2

omg thats so good!!!!! it's really sad tho....=(

r u writing a book? i think u should, cuz from one writer 2 another u have talent!!!! good luck =)

Answer 3

Hmm. I think whether or not this is "good" depends on what kind of genre you're going for here. If this is nonfiction, then I would say that you seem a little too close to the subject to write about it objectively. If this is fiction, then I don't see you using the freedom of fiction in order to "show" your reader what's happening here. For example, you write phrases such as "My head is full of the possiblititys [sic] why she could of killed herself," but that doesn't "mean" anything to the reader. The reader doesn't know why you're thinking it, what you're thinking, or why the reader should get involved with the story. You know how when you write an essay for class and your teacher says that you're summarizing too much? This typically happens when you sit down to write a paper about literature and everything lapses into a string of: and then the character did this, and then the character did that, and so on, and so on, etc. What your teacher wants is detailed quotations from the text that illustrate what you're trying to prove with your essay. The same rules apply to your readers when you are writing fiction or nonfiction. You need to show very few, very specific scenes or details one at a time. Summary like this can provide important background information, but adding dialogue doesn't necessarily "hook" your reader because it isn't specific to the character or what you're trying to "show" about the situation. Does that make sense? I think a good way of practicing using fiction/nonfiction techniques it to read a lot of good essays/books/etc. Try checking out the website below and reading one or two short pieces a day. Try to see what the authors are doing, and then try to "mimic" what you see. Use this basic story and write it differently, basing the revision on a new author's work each day. You'll be surprised how different your story changes each day, and you might learn some new techniques to help take you in a whole new direction. Good luck! :)  

Answer 4

i liked it but you use the words 'kill herself' way too often.  

Answer 5

Far too much telling and not enough showing. Your sentences are also quite short and simple. Try to use more description.

Answer 6

WOW!!!!!,

this is great, i so want to read it all,

its very interesting,

Great story.

Answer 7

Okay, hold up there.

Again, I can see you trying to imitate Meyer's poor writing. And you actually succeeded! This piece is horrible.

You have a lot of spelling and grammar errors, buy a book on grammar. You also have A LOT of cliches and your characters look one dimentional. You're also very redundant. I'm going to stop there.

Read On Writing by Stephen King. It's pretty good.

|-|eba

Answer 8

I like it! i think that it is well written. I want to know what happens next  

Answer 9

Its very nicely written but try not to keep repeating too much, and if u read it again u will find some missing punctuation... but don't worry, overall, nicely done =D lol

Answer 10

I get it, she is wondering why her friend killed herself. You don't need to reiterate it three times in one paragraph. It sounds a little 'oh-woe-is-me' , but overall it shows promise. This part 'I've never had so much pain. It made my heart ache' should be cut, because you already stated as much a few sentences ago. I think your main problem is repetition, but I thought it was okay.

Edit: Oh, and I forgot to add that you changed tenses at one point. Don't do that, it confuses people.

Answer 11

It's definitely something that I would want to read from beginning to end.  It's interesting, and fast paced, even though you only provided a sample.  I like it.

Answer 12

'All that I could remember last night is the darkness, and the emptiness I held with me all night.'

- should have "about" between  remember & last

'Your not going to school today' should be "you're" as it is a contraction of you are.

'would have made me guilty, like it was my ' should have the word 'feel' between me and guilty

I like the short sentences but you need to check your grammer.

Answer 13

Your writing shows promise, but you must concentrate on punctuation, spelling, capitalization, and using commas after quoted dialog. Why you placed quotation marks around the phrase committed suicide is unknown. If you want to place emphasis on any word or phrase then do so by using Italics.

Could of should read could have; Me and Joshua should read Joshua and me. You've missed using contractions in the word you're in the phrase, Your not going to school today.

Concentrate on editing your piece before submission to this forum or anyone else. Find a copy of "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White. That booklet will prove most useful.

Answer 14

     It's a good effort.  Watch your tenses, though.  You say:

     All I could remember last night is the darkness.  Try:

     All I could remember last night WAS the darkness.

     The old spelling's a bit shaky, too.  'Possibilities', for instance.

But all this you can sort out on re-writes.  Try reading your story into a tape recorder and playing it back.  How does it sound to you?  You can pick up quite a few mistakes that way.

     Also dialogue and paragraphs.  The former must be separate from the text, and both must be indented.

     I do hope this has helped a bit,

Good luck

Mike B