How Should I Punish Angry Grandson?

Question

I am doing my best at 64 to raise my grandson, 10, along with my husband (not his grandfather). His mother is mentally ill and on drugs, unemployed and stays with men. I'm doing my best but he cut up our tv stand & a book with a knife,smashed our dog pen with a pipe, spit at me for grounding him. His father dumped him. He takes advanced classes but gets detention almost daily for talking. We hug and kiss but I resent him damaging our property. Hes mad 'cause he's 56 lb and short. He's very handsome and healthy but he sort of scares me. I would feel more sorry for him if he didn't have a new Ipod, laptop and tv.

We are so furious with his mother, 42, for her laziness, drugs, sponging off others, quitting jobs. Her sister 37 is a nurse and ignores her. He has his own room w/queen bed and down comforter.

He says hes 11 when hes 10 for some reason. Just how easy should I be on this boy?

Answer 1

We he obviously has issues and is not dealing with whats happened to him very well. Talk to him. That's the number one thing we forget to do when our kids are acting out. Talk. Find out what's bothering you, let him know that you love him, and that you are there for him, and that he's a good boy. None of this is his fault, and you are trying to do the best for him and with him. It's gotta be so hard on him by your brief description of your daughter, and his father. You are doing such a wonderful thing by raising him.

I have a boy this age, and it's tough - they do act out, and they are big boys now... they want their independence, but they still are little.

Just love him, let him know you are there. Take him to the park, take him to the lake to throw stones... boy things. just be there for him is the best you can do - good luck ♥

Answer 2

I feel quite strongly that you need to be strict with him now, because that will pay dividends later on. I'm worried for you that once he's bigger that you, he will be a serious physical threat and that you (all three) might be in danger. Also, he needs to work through some anger issues, and a professional (from the school, perhaps) would be a good idea.

This could be solved very simply with a tiring sport or activity where he can 'let his ya-yas out'! If you live in a cold area of the country it might be a symptom of cabin fever -- I'm in NH and after 7 months of living indoors because of 10ft of snow outside, we're all a little restless. Maybe football or lacrosse would be a good solution for him.

But in short, you should ask the school counsellor for help on this one; get a professional to help you out and you'll be thankful that you did.

Answer 3

He is showing anger over things he cannot control.  At his age, he is also beginning to be aware of his looks and how others perceive him, especially his classmates.  To make up for these feelings of inadequacy, he calls attention to himself in a negative way.  

You don't mention if he has friends.  A team sport would be great if you could get him interested. There's city baseball.  City swim teams. If he's not a team player, how about bowling or biking or  karate lessons.  Karate would definitely help with some of his esteem issues.  The instruvtors arevery disciplined and good role models.

He needs something other than himself to concentrate on.  A talk with his school counselor might open some doors for you.   Also, all churches have many youth activities.  Good luck.  It certainly is not easy raising a child, especially one who may have feelings of abandonment.

Answer 4

I don't think he needs punishment, I think he needs counseling. It sounds as though he can not understand or accept that his mother has abandoned him and he is lashing out. He may think that if he is bad enough you will get sick of him and send him back to be with his mom. It sounds like he doesn't understand why he cant live with his mom. I would talk to his pediatrician and see if they can recommend a good therapist for him.

Answer 5

What you have here is a serious problem.

You shouldn't be "easy" on him.  You need to get him some professional help.  You're right that he's angry and he needs a psychologist or psychiatrist who can teach him how to deal with his anger.

Call his school and set up an appointment with their counselor.  They should be able to refer you to someone and if they can't ask his pediatrician.  You need some help with him before he hurts you or your husband or another child at school.

Answer 6

I think he senses that you're afraid of him, and he's testing you.

First of all, you need to stop spoiling this kid.  He's too young for an iPod, laptop, and even a TV in his room.   It's nice that he has a comfortable room, but he does not need all these electronic gadget.

He does, however, need therapy to deal with his issues of loss and the lack of consistency in his life.  He obviously has some anger problems as well.   Enroll him in counseling, and don't let him scare you....he's not that big!