How To Deal With A Brat That's Not Yours?

Question

My best friend of 3 yrs has a 6 yr old daughter. I dont get involved with her child when she throws temper tantrums, when she runs amok, even when she screams over our conversations. That's her mothers job. I do try to accomodate her when I can (i.e. offering her lunch when she's hungry, to watch movies I have, to let her play in my home), but she is a BRAT! I am a collector of japanese pvc statues, which are appx $70 a piece, she wants to play with my "dolls". When I explain that they are very expensive and not to be played with, her mother will downtalk them and undermine my possesions, which makes her daughter play with them against my express disapproval. Also, her child helps herself to the food in my house WITHOUT asking, not to mention she finishes it all off and leaves empty wrappers and boxes EVERYWHERE even in my backyard. I don't have a lot of money and cannot get but a few groceries every month, but I share with her what I can. I gave her a piece of chocolate, then carefully hid the bar and told her not to take anymore. Today, I find that my chocolate is just a wrapper in a desk drawer! (Yes, her child rifled through MY desk) Nor do I know whether or not she fed it to my elderly dog, who is thorwing up today. She threw a temper tantrum over mac & cheese, then ate two bites and asked her mom for Wendy's with another tantrum. This is MY home which I let them into and I shouldn't have to pack things away and rearrange my house simply because they stop by. I feel like it's a total invasion and my home falls into disorder and chaos. I don't want to ruin my friendship, but I don't want her child in my home. I don't like my rules being undermined and disrespected. I understand she is only 6, but that's old enough to follow the rules. I used to work with kids, so it's not an "I hate kids" thing. This child is just out of hand. I don't undermine her mother's rules, why should they get to treat mine with such disregard? I don't want to be mean (in fact, I try to be accomodating to both friend and daughter) and I do try to lay down fair rules, but they are looked at as ridiculous and laughed off or talked down or even jsut completely disrespected when I turn my back. How can I fix this without ruining the friendship?

Answer 1

You answered your own question, and didn't realize it.

"This is MY home"

Treat it that way.

Answer 2

wow. never in my family. You should discuss, in a calm, indifferent voice, that you appreciate your friend and that you love spending time with her and her daughter but their behavior is making you uncomfortable. Explain to her about the groceries. Explain to her about the dolls. You shouldn't have to hide them. Lock the door to the room with your desk. Tell your friend how you feel and if she is still making excuses for her daughter you should say, well maybe we should go to your house from now on, or well, than maybe we need to take a break.

This is your house. It's not so much your house your rules, as your house, it deserves respect. If you bring someone into your home, they need to give it the same respect you give your home.  

Answer 3

I have to question your friendship.  how can this lady truly be your friend when she is rude, disrespectful and sounds just downright horrible!?

If i were you, I would not allow these people in my house anymore.  Tell the woman upfront that you are tired of her daughter destroying your stuff and her allowing it.  If you want to remain friends, suggest visiting at her house or meeting in public.

I know about those Japanese "dolls"...they are very expensive!  I have a few and if some brat put their grubby little hands on it, I'd be demanding the parent replace it (or at least give me the money to replace it).

If they don't get out or obey your rules, threaten small claims court to replace your destroyed belongings.  There is no excuse for that kind of behavior and the mom is even worse for allowing it.  I'd say this is a "friendship" worth losing.

Answer 4

If your friend is really a good friend you should just tell her up front you don't want her daughter to play with your expensive collector's items, as for her screaming over your conversation, stop  your conversation, look at the daughter and say "excuse me, we were talking, it's rude to interupt" not only will it embarrass her and shut her up but it will teach her not to do it again.

Answer 5

I'd buy the first season of Nanny 911 or Super Nanny for your friend for the next b-day or Christmas that came up.  LOL!  No, but seriously, your friend and her daughter would no longer be invited to my home and if they came over anyway, it is now time for you to put your foot down to this child and firmly explain that her behavior will no longer be tolerated.  Explain to your friend that if she will not uphold the rules of your house and reprimand her daughter, you will have to in order to protect your possessions.  If she has a problem with that, drop it and stick to gatherings away from your home.

Answer 6

I see your dilemma. I personally would sit your friend down, not in front of the kid, and calmy tell her that you feel like she's disregarding and undermining everything your saying. Tell her that you don't want to cause any problems between yourself and her, but that things need to be altered. With the whole wrapper thing, when the kid's done eating something and you see that she's finished tell her to throw it away, don't ask "Can you throw that out, now that you're finished?" Because that gives her the opportunity to say no, just tell her, "Now that you're done we need to throw that out, please." Be polite, but kind of lay down the law with both your friend and her kid. Tell her what you're feeling and if she's that good of a friend she'll understand and take it to heart. Good luck!

Answer 7

Your house, your rules.  Enforce the rules in your home.  If it's that much of a problem, then don't have them back to the house.  Meet somewhere neutral, like the park or at McDonald's for a lunch date.  I have had a similar situation happen and I don't plan on inviting them back to my home because my friend's two year old did not respect the rules in my home and her mom did nothing to stop it.  I told her that if she wants to get together we can meet at the park or some place that is neutral.  

Answer 8

my question to you is why are you buying 70 dollar dolls, em, action figures, or whatever they are called when you can only afford but a few groceries a month. Maybe the little girl perceives that you don't have your priorities in order and that's why she walks all over you and your silly rules.

Answer 9

have a serious talk and let your friend know how you feel. the little girl is over the line and you are not being unreasonable in your requests. if the mother feels that her little princess should be allowed to continue to disrespect you, then maybe she doesn't deserver your friendship to begin with.

Answer 10

sounds like the childs attitude is a direct result from the mothers raising techniques.

You need to talk with your friend and tell her you dont appreciate YOUR rules in YOUR home being broken when they come over.

I have close friends, they have kids, when they are in my house, its my rules, and i say NO to them as much as needed with mom there, or if i catch them doing something wrong, i give them heck, no different them me and my kids going to there house...I teach my kids to respect other people homes. dont ask for food all the time, if you need a drink, ask etc...

you need to talk with your friend, as hard as it may be.

Answer 11

I wouldn't invite them over anymore.  Simple as that.

Sorry you're dealing with this!

Answer 12

First off, I think in this situation, you need to omit the child and deal with her mother.

Be very firm with the mother about your house rules.  Since she is your friend, and a very good one at that, she should RESPECT your wishes for the following of the rules in your home.

Just because you don't have any children doesn't give your friend the right to exclude your feelings and rules that apply to your own home.  That is very disrespectful for your friend to undermine everything you have been telling BOTH her and her daughter.

My God, I would never allow my child to act like that in someone else's home, whether the other home was the home of a very good friend or just a friend of a friend.  That is someone else's house and I would RESPECT the wishes of the homeowner.

Your friends' child sounds like a complete spoiled brat, but it isn't her fault.  It's all the responsible adults' faults for letting this child get away with so much.

Bottom line:  Tell your friend that if she cannot respect/follow your house rules when they come to visit, that you would rather she come without her daughter.  

I don't think that is an unreasonable request.

And if your friend doesn't like it, well then, maybe she isn't such a good friend after all.  And believe me, it would be your friends' loss - not yours.

Don't allow your friend to walk all over you like that.  Especially in your OWN HOME.

Good luck hun.  You seem like a good person to have for a friend.

Answer 13

The child is a product of the parent......the parent is out of control, not the child. This child has been raised to behave this way and it is obvious that the parent has no respect because she downplayed your collection and allowed her daughter to play with it after you said no.

What I can not understand is why you are so afraid to say NO and mean it! If anyone ever allowed their child to do something I clearly said was a no no, I would have no problem saying so. YOU need to be more assertive and run your house like YOU want. Do not allow her to eat....rummage through your house or leave a mess behind. If the parent does not like the way you run your house tell them not to come over then.  

Answer 14

Just stop having your "friend" over. She's not a friend. If you want to get together, meet in public or go to her house. Although I question why it is you value this "friendship" so much.  

Answer 15

You need to talk to your friend. People talk about 'this generation' and how terribly kids behave but is clear that is the parents fault. My 2 year old niece says thank you every time you give her something, your welcome, bless you when you sneeze, please. Of course she knows all this because we teach her. And if someone says a bad word by mistake she'll tell you 'no se dice' - 'you don't say that', when we visit someone she herself says 'manitos atras' which means 'hand on the back' and starts looking at the stuff without touching a thing.

And she is only 2, so your friends needs to teach her little girl how to behave when visiting someone, if a 2 year old can do it I'm sure she can. Good luck, you should visit her instead of her visiting you if this situation doesn't change. And also, in the future everyone is going to hate that child and not wanting her around