How To Politely Tell Her To Back Off A Little...?

Question

I met this great Mum when I was on bed rest in hospital 6 months ago. She has a little baby, a month older than my young twins. I think she is great, and I enjoy her friendship. My Husband & I have helped her out over the last 6 months with travel and fixing little things, as she is a single mum, with no license.

Thing is she has become rather clingy and some what demanding. I usually pick her up when I go grocery shopping, on Mondays. I didn't shop Monday as I haven't been well. I rang and let her know that it wasn't possible to come down this week, and I was sorry. She was quite rude to me.

Then went and called my Husband and demanded him to take her. There have been a few other things, including the million daily phone calls a day.

It has come to the point where enough is enough. I've told her that I haven't the time to talk at the moment, and she gives me the third degree over when she can call back.

How do I get her to back off, without hurting our friendship??

I do like her as a friend, but I don't want to be raising her as well as my kids.

Answer 1

Tell her how you feel.  If she doesn't respect your request for space then tell her when she learns how to be a true friend, one that respects you, to call you.

Answer 2

I had the same thing happen with a neighbour. When her son started primary school he would come to my house at 7am and I would take him to school - I did this for 9 months until I was ready to give birth to my 3rd child and I told her I could not do it after the baby was born (I told her 2 months beforehand) as I was not willing to juggle a new born to do it and my oldest was not at school yet and she went mental at me!

Unfortunately it did affect our friendship because she could not see my reasoning (clearly a very self centred person).

Have you got called ID?

Perhaps start screening your calls from her and only answer when you have time - over time she may back off. Otherwise invite her for a coffee and explain - if she is truly a friend and not just taking you for granted, she should understand.

Answer 3

Wow, this is really tricky.

I don't think you can do much without effecting your friendship.

Next time she calls, I would just tell her you're going to be honest, and be as nice as possible and let her know that you have your kids, you're busy, you love having her as a friend, but you haven't the time to be running around for her as much. You're more than happy to do her a favour here and there, but you don't appreciate her taking advantage of it, or using you.

However, be prepared, she may get very offended.

Good luck =]

EDIT: Oh yay! I got some thumbs up. haha that makes me feel special :)

Also, You have 5 children. I can understand how one is hard enough, let alone 5. She sounds very self centered to me and I truely believe she is using you. or at least to a point, that's just how i percieve it from what you have written.

If she doesn't take it well, she isn't a good friend.

I think if i was relying on my friend like she is on you i would be hella' more thankful and i'd ask you to stop helping me every now and then! It just makes me wonder about her upbringing, my mother taught me right from wrong and how to be appreciative!!

Answer 4

There's no way to tell someone like her to back off and be polite about it.  You tried that, remember?  She not only takes you and your husband for granted, but she's making demands (!!!) on your time.  What you offered out of friendship has turned into something she thinks is her right.  Is her friendship worth this?  She may have no one else to help her, but there must be a reason for that - probably nobody else will  tolerate her rudeness and demands either.

She's an emotional terrorist.        

Answer 5

Start ignoring her  

Answer 6

Tell her poliety so she doesnt start takeing it the rong way be like listen i i rly do love ur kids like mine and weve had so many good times but money for us is getting low and i dont think i have enough for u and ur kids our money for gas is to much and if i savved sum id enjoy takeing my kids out with it, im sorry could u like find some1 else to upport u as well and after all we did for u ur attidude is ovr the edge  and u crossed a line i wouldnt let ne one cross

this lady is takeing advantge of u ugys n ur help shell strt to miss u when u stop.

Answer 7

I have had this happen too. I found I stopped answering the phone and let the machine get it and would call back when it was convenient for me. I never had to drive her anywhere, the fact that she called your husband to demand he take her shows that the is abusing the friendship. Try to slowly back off and just let the machine get it. If she asks where you were just tell her you were busy with the kids and couldn't get to the phone.

Answer 8

Hey Charli

This is a tough situaation for me to give an answer too

I can think of two people I know who I would describe as "clingy" and both for very different reasons.

The first, is a very insecure person, who has been "mistreated" by some of the people in her life.  Because of these she finds it hard to trust people, and make frineds, instead she "clings" to the people she feels she can trust.

She developed qite a strong friendship with my Rebecca. When I came on the scene, and Rebecca and I started dating, she was very insecure around me, and demanding of Rebecca.

Rebecca found that she just did not have the time she use too have, for this person, and that did make her back off a little.

Since Rebecca moved away to live with me, the girls have tried to kepp the friendship going, but like all long distance relationships/ frindships, it soon became the  odd phonecall and letter at birthdays and christmas time and the odd special occassion.

This made this person very depressed, and she made it clear to my Rebecca that she still expected more- even tho Rebecca now lived 200k away.

The problem for rebecca was that this person has a bad history of mistreatment and not trusting people, and also depression, and it made Rebecca feel guilty.

Anyways, with your own situation, you first need to make it plain that you will not tolerate her involing Andrew.  Tell her you are not jealous, but that if she has a need she needs to come to YOU, and you will help her IF AND WHEN YOU CAN.

IF you are not available TELL HER SO.

If she starts to get offended, then my advice is LET HER. and DONT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT.

If she is a friend, and not a user, she will be hurt but will eventually understand.

If however she is a user, then ask yourself do you really need someone like that around? with 6 kids? ( big kid / hubby included..lol)

You may find that if you start saying NO. she will leave on her own accord, in which case you know her true character.

If you say NO , she gets hurt, yeah, but if she still values your friendship, she will learn to back down a little.

There is no easy way out. Just Say NO a few times, and let things take there course.

Hope this ( long) answer helps

Answer 9

Draw a line darling. Enough is enough. she looks like a camel to me. So perhaps be honest enough enough to tell her. If she is a friend a real friend with good conscience she wouldn't do that. Just tell her. and call her in different name ....Like sorry Madame i can't. period. If she talk loud just hang the phone. and let her think her mistakes. maybe then she will be sorry for her self.  

Answer 10

id b the same as u and find it hard to tell her,, im a real pushover!

sounds like your doing well and shes already gettiung pissed off, lol

youve got enough on your plate, id tell her how unwell u are and she may lay off, some people r real free loaders expecting the world off us, good luck xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Answer 11

What a sticky situation.

You dont need that in your life - you've got enough to deal with, without having to look after some-one else family. Sounds like she saw a good thing - and latched on for dear life.

You just have to make a clean break, and no contact whatsoever

Answer 12

She obviously has no life or other friends or she wouldn't have reacted to this situation as badly as she did. But she also needs to learn that you do have lots to do and you are unwell. My guess is that she feels like she is losing your friend ship and will try anything to keep it, even if it means dobbing to your husband.

Both of you need to try and keep calm, your husband needs to tell her politely if she calls him again that is it between you and her, nothing to do with him (that way he isn't piggy in the middle which never goes well) and to have a chat with you about what the problem is. You can also just ask her straight out why she feels the need to attack you after you have only tried to be her friend, my guess is she will get defensive and probably have a bit of a mouthy turn........this is to do with her insecurity not the actual friend ship.

No matter what you do it will affect the relationship because she isn't seeing things from anyone else's point of view, just handle it with calm and dignity so you don't get caught up in a slanging match!!!