How Would an Adoptee Feel to Hear This?

Question

An adopter said this in answer to a recent question. Is this a typical attitude of adopters toward adoptees' natural parents?

"It is faster, cheaper, and safer to adopt from overseas usually.

Safer in that you don't ever have to worry about some person showing up at your front door to "bond" with her baby or to ask for a handout."

Answer 1

that quote is just  

sick AND sad.....

Was that spoken by someone who Mother Nature determined was unfit to parent? If I had to bet, I'd say yes.

Answer 2

I do agree that it is written insensitively.  I also want to add that the way it was written is not a "typical" attitude of APs.  However, I have said in some of my responses that "some" people do feel "safer" adopting internationally because they fear a birthparent changing their mind or showing up on their doorstep.  My response is only to show that it "is" something adoptive parents worry about, especially in cases of abuse.  And it is the reason why many APs choose international adoption.  But yes, I agree that the way the info was written as you quoted it is very insensitive.  I hate the words "faster & cheaper" when referring to children.

Answer 3

wow, that is a shocking answer but it is the one that most people think and not say.

Answer 4

The joke is going to be on them when "their" child goes looking when they're older and runs into a big brick wall only to find that Mommy and Daddy did it one purpose to avoid any "birth mama drama".

Or better yet, when the adoptee finds their bio families anyway.  They do keep records internationally, you know.  it's not like they don't have computers overseas.   Or pencils and papers.  Many international adoptees DO find their first families and form very close ties.  It happens a lot.

it sounds like that particular poster is kidding themselves.  Good luck with that.

Answer 5

Whoever said that is all about self, self, self.

Answer 6

Why would anyone say that to someone who's been adopted even if it's the truth.  I hope it wasn't said to you -- if it was -- then your adoptive parents failed the parenting test.

Answer 7

No, in my experience in talking with many adoptive parents, that is not the typical attitude, although, of course there are some people who have it.  Besides, this person's facts are wrong.  It is definitely NOT cheaper to adopt internationally when it includes international travel and U.S. immigration filing fees.  It's not typically much faster either, although the time frame is usually more predictable in international adoption.  I can see how it sounds in this excerpt that "safe" means not having to deal with natural parents, and this person may indeed have meant that.  But, it can be thought of in a different way.  I think you would agree that there are problems with matching adoptive parents with babies that aren't even born yet, whose mothers haven't relinquished yet.  It creates an environment where adoptive parents can be coersive, even if they don't want to be.  International adoption at least does not do that, not that there are no problems with international adoption.  Anyway, I myself would be uncomfortable having a relationship with my potential child's natural mother before relinquishment, and I could never "market" myself to potential birthmothers, which I didn't.  But I WAS very happy to find an international adoption program that offered semi-open adoptions (it is one of the main reasons we chose it) and I am happy to be in communication with my daughter's natural mother now.

Answer 8

Thats horrible!!

Answer 9

What makes me feel sick (as an adoptee) is the blatant disregard these adoptive parents are showing to "their" child! What about the rights of that child to trace their ancestry later in life?

Being a re-united adoptee I cannot imagine what it would be like to still not know my birthparent - I see SO MUCH of myself, so many previously unexplained personality traits, so many physical similarities, SO MUCH of who I am reflected in them.

Without having met them I would have SO MANY questions which my adoptive parent could not answer. What about the RIGHTS OF THE CHILD??

Answer 10

As an adoptee, this comment is extremely offensive to me.  I sincerely hope that this is not the typical attitude of adopters.  It certainly was not my aparents' attitude.  I could say so much more, but will stick with answering just your question.

Answer 11

I hear it more often than I'd like to think I would, or should. Its not surprising to me anymore actually, it was at first, but... its common thinking. It comes hand and hand with the self serving needs of selfish adopters ( not saying all adopters are selfish, just saying the selfish ones, think like this )

Answer 12

How would I (as an adoptee) feel?  I would like to take their adopted child's natural mother and shove her up the adopter's a**.  Better yet, the entire natural family.

Answer 13

What a shame for someone to actually be bothered by their adopted child wanting to know their roots!!!!  Everyone deserves to know where they came from.  And besides, that is a chance that you take when you adopt a child.  You should expect it!!!  If I were told this, I would rightly be angry that the person saying it is so very narrow minded.  Then I would try my best to educate them on their incorrect attitude.

Answer 14

It is very poorly put, and as well as negative and distasteful.  Part of that is the sentiment (in nicer terms) of many who adopt overseas, though.  They feel it is "safer" because a poor birthmother from a Third World country has no resources with which to pursue information about the child she may have placed (willingly or not) for adoption.  But "safe" is a relative term.  Many of these children's birthmother's have no prenatal care, are severely impoverished and have little or no medical care and poor diets, and may (depending on the country) be alcoholic as well.  So, it appears that the safety factor is a matter of perspective.  It is exchanging one "safety" factor for another.  And, needless to say, few birthmothers from these severely impoverished countries receive counseling!

Most adoptive parents have an abundance of love and respect for their child's birth parents -- but adoptive parents are not perfect beings.  There are some bad apples out there, just as there are with bio parents.  To think otherwise is naive, and unfair to all.

Answer 15

LOL!! get out...

wow, isn't that special?  the nerve that a mother would want to bond with her child.  what a crazy idea??? /sarcasm.

if i were an adoptee, i'd be mortified that my aparents chose to take me from my native culture to avoid my annoying "breeder" showing up on their doorstep.

then again, why are you surprised? so many adoption practices flip the paradigm on what's normal and what's "normalized" to defend the practice of infant/newborn adoption (eg. a woman making an adoption plan, later to parent the child she birthed= abnormal...a non-pregnant woman taking hormones to induce lacation in order to nurse an adoptee=normal).

the whole "international-adoption-prevents the birth mom from coming back to seek the kid and ask for money" aurgument is another means to demonize the "selfless" women who gave away their children. more birthmom fear is what we need to make sure that legislation shortens relinquishment periods, and keeps records sealed.

disgusting.

Answer 16

I think its definatly a case of wording it wrong. I am not offened by it at all.

I know that there is birth mothers out there, like that.

Answer 17

Well, this adoptee feels sick.

I truly hope it isn't the typical attitude, but I can't say I haven't encountered it before.  I've seen it called "Birth mama drama" and any number of nasty things.  

A child's heritage and identity are not an inconvenience to be ignored.  They belong to the child.  Pretending otherwise is asking for trouble and heartache.

Do they think first mothers are vending machines?!

Answer 18

I am an adoptee and I am 44.  I had two brothers who were also adopted.  They would say things like I am going to find my real parents and get the heck out of here.  I personally never felt like that.  The couple that raised me were my real parents.  My mom died when I was 19.  When I was in my late 30's I asked my dad if he would mind if I looked into who my "biological" parents were because I started having some health issues and I had 2 children who needed to be aware of the health issues they could be facing.  My "adopters" as you put it, were my "real" parents.  They made me who I am today.  I am a decorated veteran from Greneda and Desert Storm.  I have raised 2 children on my own and I may have had some problems when I was growing up but I passed down some good values to my children and I am proud of that.

Answer 19

People like that give me chills down my spine.  I'm waiting to adopt domestically with an open adoption, so my child can have a healthy upbringing and know where they came from, and I'll be able to make sure the birthmom isn't coerced and has appropriate counselling.

All the other potential adoptive parents I know feel the same way as me.