How am I a bad dad?

Question

My fiance is making me post this question, and give the full details, so here it is:

I was a dumba*s at 14 and got a girl pregnant, and she had twins. She killed herself 3 years later, so it's been me and the 2 of them. I'm 21 now, they're 7.

I don't like telling them what to do, honestly. I can't quite fit the title "Dad" on myself...so I don't like giving orders or making rules, and let them pretty much talk to me how the want, eat what they want as long as it's not junk all the time, watch whatever show or movie they want as long as it's not p**n. To put it more distinctly, I prefer for the 3 of us to be best friends, rather than "I'm the boss, you're the kid--OBEY ME!" When the teachers at school complain about their behavior, I don't punish them because I feel like an as*hole when I do. If they ever do something I ask them not to do, I pretty much say "Man, come on, be a pal, will ya?"

My gf says unless I put my foot down and act like a dad, she'll leave. How am I bad?

Answer 1

u are not a bad dad if your gf tells u to do something dont she is not your boss there are more fish in the see and dont punish your kids sit down and ask them what they did and y they did it trust me i have a twin brother and we are both 21 now and our mom use to tell us to sit down and talk about our problem

Answer 2

You are not a bad Dad and it's only got something to do with your girlfriend if you expect her to help with the kids, if you are not then it's nothing to do with her

Well done for doing the right thing with the kids,

Being a single parent is hard, but the pride you feel in doing it all by yourself is reward enough.

Keep as many memories of the childrens natural mother as possible, ie photos and stories as there will be a time to tell them about her

One thing I have learned in the 9 years of single parenting 3 children , is that partners come and go, but my kids will always be there.

Answer 3

well im 15 and get along with my parents most of de time but not always ... i think thats kinda normal..

you have ta start punishing them , telling them whats wrong and makin decissions yourself !!!!

belive me by the time they get to 14 or 15 they'll boss ya around .. theyl be out for all hours and then they could end up gettin themselves pregant or anything

i have to be in by 10 30 !!! i always give out bout it but my parents make me come in !

Answer 4

iM ONLY 18 SO I CANT REALLY GIVE U ANY 1ST HAND ADVICE BUT THERE IS A HAPPY MEDIUM. ME AND MY MOM R BEST FRIENDS I TELL HER EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS BUT SHE WAS STRICT WITH ME AS A CHILD AND MORE LOVING AS I BECAME OLDER (@ LEAST IT SEEMED THAT WAY 4 ME) YOU DO NEED 2 PUT YOUR FOOTDOWN BUT NO LIKE A DICTATOR. THEY WILL END UP HATING U IF YOU DO THAT. I.E. MY DAD LOL. GOOD LUCK CUZ I KNWO RAISING KIDS R HARD

Answer 5

i think you have had a rough life and i lookdown on you for some things, but i am sorry for your mother of your children.  i think there should be at least some rules. like i am glad the three of you are best friends, but not all dads are like what you imagine them to be. don't let them watch pg13 movies until they are about 9-10ish.  no r movies at all. if tehy disobey you just say in a strict tone not to do it again. if tehy do something extrememly bad ground them or put them in "time out". its really not that hard and you can still be best friends.

Answer 6

your are not a horrible father, it just seems like just that you were growing with them at a young age so they feel more like maybe siblings then kids. im assuming thats why the relationship feels the way that it does. but like you said now you are a father and should learn to be a friend and father which means more discipline. without that your kids will grow up thinking they can do whatever they want and maybe lead to a poor lifestyle, and im sure thats not what you want.

Answer 7

First of all, I want to commend you for stepping up to the plate and raising your kids.  For them to have lost their mamma at the age of four was no doubt indescribably traumatic for them.  My own mother died when I was 13, and it took me years to "get over" it (and in a sense, you never do).

I going to go out on a limb here...and I'm not condemning you...but seeing as how you were having s*x and had a girl pregnant at the ripe-old age of 14, I wonder if I would be correct in saying that you have an unhealthy, abnormally strong adversion to limits, boundaries, or rules.  Because if you do, then it's going to be hard for you to establish healthy guidelines in your sons' lives.  Yet, they desperately need those limits, and it's your job to provide them.

You indicate that your fiancé is to the point of calling it quits with you.  If she is that distraught, then that should tell you that something is terribly the matter.  If she can hardly stand what's going on while you are engaged, then can you imagine what it would be like for you to get married and begin living together?

Part of the problem here is that you were a kid when these boys came into your life, and you have sort of been locked into that role.  But you're going to have to break that mold.  Raising kids is a lot like playing basketball...some guys have more natural ability than others, but ALL of us can improve with practice, good coaching, and a willingness to learn.

Let's start with two basics: the boys should always be required to obey you, and they should always be required to speak appropriately to you and show respect?  Why?  Because you're their daddy.  You're the adult authority figure in their lives.  If they can walk on you and disregard you, then what's going to keep them from trying that with their teachers, the cops, their future bosses, etc.?  

There are many more issues to discuss here than we can get to in one post.  I suggest you join the Yahoo group Fathers Raising Sons at groups.yahoo.com/group/fathersraisingson... and talk to some of the guys on there.  That way you can let some experienced dads give you some practical advice to consider.  You can bring up individual situations and consider the different advice you receive, you can chat by IM with some of the dads, and even establish a mentorship with someone who can be there for you to bounce things off of.  You can also read some of the polls and get a feel for how other dads deal with different situations.  This is an all-guys, men only group just for dads to talk about raising sons.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Kids need boundaries, and they need you to set them for them. Children learn by example, and you need to set a good one for them. And they also need discipline, weather it be time-out or spankings(that's up to you.) I'm 21 and expecting #3 and I think that if I were to have had boundaries as a kid then I would not be a mom right now( not that I dont love my kids with my life) but you understand what I'm saying. My mom let me do whatever I wanted and I did not appreciate her at all, she was just there for me to get whatever I wanted. I know it's hard but kids need parents to be parents. They have their own friends.

Answer 9

The problem you have is you want to be their friend. I was a mom at 16 so I know how great the temptation is to be a friend. But honestly, kids don't need you as their friend. They NEED a parent and you can't be both until they are grown. You really do need to step up to the plate and be their dad. They need to have a routine. It's not healthy for them to not have one. They need meals served at a regular basis, snacks limited, a bedtime that is consistant. They also need to be punished. When they do something wrong, it's YOUR job to teach them why it's wrong. You're children are going to grow up to be delinquents. What's to stop them from doing drugs, having children themselves at 14, steal....etc.....that's your job. If they know they won't get into trouble, they'll do whatever they want. Not acceptable.

Buck up and do this. Not for your girlfriend, but for your children. You need to lose the attitude that you are an a--hole. I'm sure my boys think I'm a royal b--ch sometimes and I'm fine with that. Once they are grown with kids of their own, they'll realize I wasn't really a b--ch. Believe me, your kids will forgive you when they are grown. It has to be done. The problem with the youth today is they dont' get the discipline they need.

Answer 10

get a bit tougher ..... if not your kids will become really umm, well... bad, corrupt, when they grow up later.. i hope not

Answer 11

u got the girl pregnant now shes gone. its ur turn 2 b the parent here!!! b a man and b more strict if u dont theyll end up taking drugs and killing themselves 2. if u want 2 b a dad act like one and dont b a wussy but dont hit them it'll make it worse.

Answer 12

okay it is a good thing that you stepped up and took care of you responsibility. you are still very young, but let me give you some advise, i am 23 and have 3 children. i know that inside it hurts if you see your kids unhappy, but remember, their kids.

it is better to discepline them now before when they grow up and starting acting like 'what ever!' now when there small is the best time to make guidelines, because when they grow up they think that everything is allright, because you don't teach them right from wrong! so now is the time to start, because they will grow up to become teens, and i hope for you that they won't do the same as you did! unless you don't act now, it might be to late when they grow up, so please listen to your fiancee!

Answer 13

you need to have rules and boundaries!!!  you need to be the DAD not the best friend...  you are hurting them by doing what you are doing.  what you sow you will reap and i dont want to see that happen to you, youre a young man right now and maybe you need help, have an older dad show you what to do.  i feel so bad for the kids that the mom died.  how sad.  your girlfriend is totally right, listen to her.

Answer 14

well being bossy and just plain mean isn't being a good dad, but not doing anything isn't either. What would you do if they got older and were caught with drugs or something? they will never respect you unless you make sure that they don't get in trouble at school or disobey you. Give them a set of rules. Make sure they follow the. (But once again, don't be all together mean)

Answer 15

your not a bad dad.

you can still be their "best mate" aswell as being a "good father"

obviously youre going to have to put your foot down, but maybe not as much as you expect. your kids probably respect you more than you think.

Answer 16

Ok I know you weren't ready to be a dad when you became one,  and it is really hard to be a parent.

I mean it sucks sometimes but.   It is how you parent your child that determines their future.  

If they are allowed to do and say what ever when ever and to whom ever they are more then likely not going to be successful in school or in the work force.  

Children just as adults need to realize authority figures and they need to learn to respect others.  

Every parent in the world  feels the same way when they punish their children.  but guess what it has to be done.  

And if you wait to start when they are sixteen, you may as well figure it to late.  

14 year old kids do stupid things yes but you are a 21 year old man now and a father it is your job to protect your children to love your children and to guide your children.  

All of which you are not doing if you are allowing them to do what ever they want to and to disrespect authority figures.

It is good you want to have a good relationship with your kids, it really is but it's like this when they are thirteen and fourteen and starting to make them stupid mistakes,  honestly what will they be afraid of come on be a pal, don't be drinking and using drugs.  

And if you come down on them well they will just pack up and head out the door.   Save your self a lot of trouble.  You might feel like a jerk for a minute, but your kids  will love you for it later.

I commend you for taking care of the kids,  I know it is hard for you but you have to be a parent to.  

Your GF is right listen to her.  for your kids sake ok.

Answer 17

Your kids need a dad, not a friend.

Answer 18

Im not going to judge for your past! Whats done is done. But you have to understand that your 21 and still young. Having kids is a BIG responsibility! So far what your doing with your kids is not the way to go. Theres one thing to be friends with your kids and you don't want them to hate you if you discipline them. But you have to have some kind of order with them. Sometimes a child want a parent to tell them what to do so that way they know you care about  them. You have to set some kind of rules, in your home and for all three of you. Talk to them, ask them why there acting the way they do. its for a reason! Maybe there thinking of there Mother or something. Im sorry to here that there mother took her life, but maybe you all should talk about it. Just leave out the she killed herself part. but ask if they miss her tell them that there mother would want them to behave in school and get good grades, don't talk back at the teachers  even if some of them are butts. I say you should punish insted of letting then do what they want. Theres time out, lay in there rooms, or stand in a corner. There is spanking but its you calling on that one. Letting them do what they want is not the way to go, if my advice doesn't help, maybe you should start watching DR. Phil....no joke!

Answer 19

You aren't doing the kids any favor by being their best friend - they need authority, structure and rules - all kids do. They are only 7 - it's not too late to lay down the law, step up, and be their Father.

Answer 20

By allowing them to act this way you are going to end up a grandpa, you need parenting classes.

You can still be nice and set boundries, i can imagine your gf leaving i wouldn't be able to handle it either.

Answer 21

???

You have to be 2 parents!

Ps. Same thing with my old friend and she comminted sucide becuase her dad was mean so dont be to strict but stricter

Answer 22

You HAVE to be a father...

Look around you - look at the kids today - in the malls, stores, restaurants...

My girlfriend does the same thing that you do - she's a great friend.  She thinks that her kids can do no wrong.  She has not taught them about responsibility, s*x, or life.  They're 14 and 12.

We've found "chinese love doll" sites on the older one's computer. The younger one sends text messages with f.. this and f.. that - all kinds of stuff that I never thought of when I was 12.  They lie directly to her and there are no consequences.

Neither one of them has any responsibility around the house.  The older one will graduate high school without knowing how to wash dishes or clothing.  (They cook themselves, cause mom doesn't cook.)  They do not have any interaction skills because all they do is sit on the computer all day.

Here's what I tell her.  Think of it this way, and you'll never go wrong.  WHAT ARE WE DOING TO HELP OUR CHILD BECOME A BETTER ADULT?  What are you doing to help your kids become better adults?

They have to learn responsibility, accountability, consequences, work - all the things that you need to move forward in life.  And they have to learn it from you.  I guarantee they won't learn it at school.

Step up to the plate - you're a FATHER now - you have to act like one.  They may hate it now, but they'll love you for it in the long run.

Answer 23

No one is a perfect parent but you do need to be the kids parent and not their friend. It may be tough at first but in the end it will be worth it. You have to start setting rules and bounderies now because if not you will really have a time when they become teens. They will not love you any less for doing so! Good luck!

Answer 24

First of all, I think its nice that you are taking care of the kids.

I agree with your girlfriend. You need to set some guidelines. Your kids may not like it now, but they will aprreciate it later, and by setting guidelines you arent being an a**hole. If the are bad, they need to be disciplined or else they will never understand that for everything they do there is a consequence.

By the way, your not a bad dad, you just need to work on some stuff.

Answer 25

Well, I'll be honest with you....

You are only teaching your children how to be irresonsible and disrespectful!

Its not aout saying I'm the boss, your the kid obey me!

Its about TEACHING your kids how to love, and be respectful, and responsible!

Your gf is right....you need to put your foot down and be dad, not big brother!

I understand that you are young for having kids of this age....I think that you need to take some advice...maybe call the super nanny, and I dont' say that jokingly...i say that seriously! As if you dont' get control of these two NOW...YOU NEVER WILL!!!!!!!!

best of luck!!

Answer 26

DUDE!  You have to be a man and set an example for you sons.  Very soon they will be grown whether you like it or not.  Ten years form now do you want them to be young men or little b*****s?  Open up a can,  lay the smack down, do what you gotta do!  Get to them while they are young!  what you teach them NOW will stick with them forever!  Later will be to late!

Answer 27

no, you arenot a bad father.. i will tel you are getting pushed around by your 7 year olds.  at this point they already know how to work you and have figured out  how to get away with somethings.. dont worry it isnt too late. trust me, they will thank you later when they are adults and appreciate that you are in there lives. until then, set some choirs for them to do when they get home thatis to be done before they think about playing video games ect...  as for your g/f, i think she is using the "i will leave you " approuch to get you to start disaplining them.. however, expplain to her that with her help maybe she can help you figure out a system  were it can work for the whole family.  your kids are your biggest concern and im sure you dont want to lose your g/f, so try to work together and agree on something that can work as whole. if that isnt possiable  then you go on your way and stick to your displine, b/c it boils down to one thing.. the heathlyness of your children and what kind of men they will be someday. GOOD LUCK

Answer 28

how are you bad? you let them do whatever they want! How do you think they will be when they grow up? you are obviously not raising them the way they are supposed to be raised. you need to put your foot down and lay down the law. your fiance sounds like a smart person. i am sure she will help you.

Answer 29

dude your not a bad dad but dude you should punish them when they get in trouble not harsh though maybe lower the time they go to bed its not that harsh P.S. i wish my parents were like you

Answer 30

ur a horrible dad

Answer 31

its fine to want to be freinds with your kids and not be a dictator of their lives, but if you don't give them consequences for unacceptable behavior, or give them chores around the house, they will grow up thinking that everything will have to go their way, and expect everything to be handed to them on a silver platter. yes, put your foot down, you are the boss, but you are not a bad father