How am I going to handle it if my daughter's first mother doesn't continue in her life?

Question

This is a follow up to this question:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AriTNv0kJkx9L7KWkWZ5lEvsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080626192830AAhmT10

I got some really great advice on my original question, so I'm hoping ya'll can help me out again.

As was suggested, I called my daughter's first mother. I knew her two boys would be visiting relatives this week. She's a SAHM, so I was fairly sure she would have a little time to chat.

We chatted awhile about her boys, the weather and general stuff. I finally worked in to asking her if we could talk a little about our daughter. She said she was so happy she got to see her.

I told he that our daughter was glad to see her, too. I explained to her that she really wanted her to be a part of her life and that she was just crazy about her brothers. I don't have room for the entire conversation, but I made sure to let her know that she was important. I offered for us to drive to her house about 30 miles away.

Answer 1

I think that the first mother is not ready at this time in her life to offer more time and availability to you and your daughter.   I'd respect her feelings.   She has a lot of complicated feelings and life issues to cope with.   Is there another way besides in person visits she would be comfortable handling right now (mail, email, holiday phone calls, etc).   Would she like to BE THE ONE WHO INITIATES CONTACT in the future?   Perhaps her sons/family found the situation a bit harder and more confusing than your daughter did, and she needs to think of them.   Your daughter can be told that her first mom loves her, but right now her situation in life means she can't be available for much visiting.  Express confidence that as time goes by, everyone involved will get better at handling her two families' special relationships and feelings for each other.

Answer 2

My experience in working with hundreds of birthmothers who were given the opportunity for an open adoption with continued contact, is that about 1/2 of them do not choose to keep up the contact.  You have to understand that for her, it is more complicated.  She has another family and set of friends who have expectations of her, history with her, etc.  It is not as easy as you might think for her emotionally to remain in contact, too.  I would try not put expectations on her or share expectations with your daughter.  ANY time or contact you have, she has, with her birthmother is a gift, that is to be cherished.  But her life may be very complicated, and it may be very difficult to maintain this relationship.  For some it is not.  For some it is.  She made this decision for good reasons.  Trust that.  And let her navigate through the years at her own pace.  Let you daughter know that you/she will always cherish any time you have with her birthmother, even if but a moment, or never again.

Answer 3

I am sorry for your child.  You have really gone above and beyond trying to get her first mother to have contact with her but as they say you can lead a horse to water but you can not make the horse drink.  I would just let her know the door remains open.  As far as your daughter I recall you said she is 10 years old, tell her she’s just too busy that’s life. You might also tell her its ok to be upset and angry about this. Her first mother does not seem to be making much of an effort.

I also agree you can offer to meet on neutral territory, a good place might be McDonalds then if it has a play ground the kids can play or perhaps a picnic in a park.  

How old are her brothers would it be possible for them to talk via emails or letters or even a phone call.

Answer 4

I don't know the whole situation, but I am experiencing something slightly similar....and my sister gave me some advice....which has worked well. Ultimately, this isn't about you and this isn't about her....this is about your mutual child. sometimes we have to do things we wouldn't otherwise do for the sake of our child.

I say, you make a plan, find a date that works well, and possibly an alternative date, then call her up and tell her you would like to visit on that date...would that be ok?? You may want to wait for her to not 'be busy' or you may want her to make a move that shows she is interested, but ultimately, this is about your child...and you can't wait for others when it comes to your daughters' best interests. Don't be pushy, just have a plan and a back up plan and a strong intent to visit. Once or twice with this method and a visit, I think she will come around on her own....but until then, she needs your nudging. Take care!

Answer 5

Dear Ms A,

May I suggest that in order to protect your daughter's feelings that perhaps you should not discuss plans for visits with her and make it a "surprise" if the opportunity to actually get together arises? There is no reason to continue to get her hopes up to be disappointed if her other mother has not been consistent. You can still encourage and talk to your daughter about her other family and especially her brothers but maybe refraining from creating too much anticipation for a visit that might not occur and getting her hopes dashed.

I would mention to your daughter's other mother how damaging it is to your daughter to have her feelings crushed. Urge her to make time for a lunch date somewhere where the children can play (everybody has to eat!!) and meet them there for a low pressure "play date". Gently remind her that consistancy is extremely important for children and that your daughter is feeling rejected and that this can do terrible damage to a child's self-esteem. You may also wish to point out that a child's sense of time is very different than that of an adult and what may seem like a short period to an adult is an eternity to a child. Explain that the length of time between visits is longer for your daughter than for the adults and perhaps it would be nice to eventually set up a regular visitation schedule so that all the children have something solid to expect and look forward to.

I would like to compliment you on your efforts. You are doing the right thing by keeping the lines of communication open and I sincerely hope that your daughter's other mother will eventually come around and make herself and the boys avalible. Good luck and best wishes to all of you!

Answer 6

"How am I going to handle it"

YOU?  I'm at a loss, 'Mom'.

Answer 7

Just let YOUR daughter know that you love her VERY much!

Answer 8

Perhaps, if she's poor and has had it rough, she might believe that her home, "isn't up to" your standards.  Try to write her a letter.  It might be easier for her if you met in the park, or at her mother-in-laws house. Offer her your e-mail address, which can be a way for her to "talk" to you in a non-threatening way, where if she cries, or has an emotion, that you're not seeing it.  

I'm dealing with the 1st mom not seeing my son too, and I feel for your daughter.  Be the best mom you can be is all you can be.  You are trying, and one day she'll know that.  Hopefully, the 1st mom will come around.  I'm hoping it for your child & mine.

Answer 9

This is a tough situation and I am sure you are very sad for your daughter. I would continue what you are doing in terms of keeping the lines of communication open, while pressing the importance of some kind of realtionship. If for whatever reason she just cannot handle that, then I would instead try and maintain some regular contact with her brothers. Even if it means meeting the boys without the first mom. Ultimately, no one can make her stay in her daughter's life. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but kids are smart and I'm sure it hurts her. It sounds like you are trying to do the right thing for your child and I hope your child's first mom will come around.