How am i suppose to be happy when daughter inlaw is pregnant with 3rd child?

Question

they both have denied for months that daughter inla is pregnant again with 3 rd child until about a hr ago,she emailed me and told me,she has a 5 yr old and a 5 month old,she doesnt cook or clean,im paying for my sons vechile and the taxes and insurance,the last baby shower i spent well over 500 on it,im just so concernd for the children ,with what little he makes and gas 4.00 a gallon,its going to be tougher,andyeah i know it takes two but my question is how can i get this sick feeling in my stomach to go away,they act like i should be happy about it..when in fact im not,any suggestions,,thanks

Answer 1

i wouldn't feel happy either.  it is so easy to love the children and start to do more than you should because you know no one else will.  but...you've got to pull back.  it is your son's responsibility to   lead his household, whether he really does or not.  the more you help, the more you enable.  you can't control the situation.  say that over and over. when you have the children, do the best you with your relationship, show them the way without inciting her.  that is all you can do.  when she no longer gets 500.00 showers and you are not always there to pick up where she leaves off, it won't be as rewarding to have more children.  i know these times are bringing you agony.  look ahead cause this girl won't be able to keep up, esp after the third is born and she has a 15 mo old-would you like to  or be prepared to take one of the children?  save money on the cute baby clothes and prepare for the time when she realizes that these children are 18 years worth of sacrifice,expense and more responsibility.  take care of yourself,sv

Answer 2

Stay out of it....they are making you a part of it by you paying their bills. Stop paying their bills. If they can't afford to live, then they will apply for government assistence...otherwise, you are bound to butt into their s*x life and it is truly not your concern. Be happy for them....for their family...but beyond their children having a roof to live under, clean clothing, and food, there is nothing to be concerned with...their decision...their problem. Also, do not throw another shower for them....if someone else does, fine...bring a small present, but don't go overboard...they already have enough baby stuff.

Answer 3

Stay out of it, it's none of your business. Funny though how your question seems to be all on your daughter inlaw, as the things you added to it in the edited sections it's all - she she she, and yet you pay for your son's vechicle,taxes and insurance, just because you help financial that gives you no right to interfere and judge so harshly. He is your son and that is his wife who he loves and chose to be with and have children with. You should respect his choices for HIS life with his wife. and get on with your own. your job in raising him is done. cut the aprons strings and let it go a little. He loves this women and you're just dissing her. shameful. show some respect they'll probably shock you and give you respect back.

Answer 4

some people take longer than others to grow up! KUDOS to your son who is being a man!!! i pray for your daughter in law to find out that she's the one who needs to make things happen and to give those children a positive role model. being a parent is a tough job. god's greatest gift is life and i treasure my children everyday! my daughter is autistic too!!!

Answer 5

They have to make their own mistakes and be responsible for them. Back off and let them take care of their own problems. The only thing you could do is contact CPS and report them, but be prepared for your son to no longer speak to you. Let them try to stand on their own two feet. Stay out of it and give them some tough love. I had to do it myself and it was hard, but it is best for them. They didn't tell you she was pregnant because they knew you wouldn't approve. But you can't run your son's life forever. Cut the apron strings Mom.

Help them set up a budget and stay with it. Start giving them the bills you are paying.

Answer 6

Younger parents (20-30) have always struggled, and in today's economy, it's even harder.  There are going to be financial issues regardless of a new baby is on the way or not.  Yes, a new baby will make it finacially harder, but let me put it this way.

What's done is done.  I assume you love your grandchildren? This one you will love just as much as the others.  It might help you to stop thinking of the new baby as a financial burden, and start thinking of it as a blessing, a new grandchild to love.

As far as the daughter-in-law...are you sure you're being fair?  Or are you making generalizations?  A lot of modern women don't cook, and instead order out, or pop pre-made lunches and dinners in the oven.  It doesn't make her a bad mom as long as the children are getting the nutrition they need.  And I doubt that she *never* cleans, but she may well be a messy person.  Again, as long as she loves and takes care of her kids, being messy doesn't make one a bad mom either.  As long as she loves and takes care of her children, you need to stop worrying about that stuff--- you can't make her into you.  She will never be you.  And her parenting may not be the same as yours, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily bad.  However, if she is truly neglectful and hateful towards her kids, you definitely need to have a talk with her and your son; but from what you wrote, it doesn't seem that way.

However, the financial burden they do lay upon you seems rather unfair.  I would consider making some conditions about the money you loan them...like instead of giving them fifty bucks, you buy them some groceries (so you KNOW the money is going to something good).  Or, you can cut them off from your wallet, and only agree to help pay with medical expenses that are mandatory (like kid's checkups).  The point is, that it's up to you---YOU do not have to keep giving them money.  And if you do, make some clear rules about it.

Times are tough everywhere as far as money is concerned, I know that all too well as a parent myself.  But a baby is a blessing, and if they are happy about it, then you should try and let go of your expectations and just relish the fact that you will have a new grandchild.  If it makes you feel better and more secure, have the money talk before the new baby arrives.

Hope that helps :)

EDITED TO ADD:

By what you have added to the question, this sounds more about you not liking your daughter-in-law, moreso than new baby troubles or financial difficulties.  I would get my feelings about her sorted out first, then take care of the rest of your question(s).

Answer 7

Well you are what is considered an ENABLER!!!

It is not your responsibility to take care of your son and his wife and kids.  When he decided to make adult decisions via move out get someone pregnant it stopped being your responsibility.  He is now a parent.  They need to know how hard it is on their own!!!

Stop paying for them.  Take a step back.  Only know about there problems when it directly affects you.  Be supportive as a grandma.

STOP GIVING THEM MONEY.

You are creating your own stress.

Answer 8

stop paying his vehicle tax and tell them your not there support , say you don't mind babysitting every now and again and help where you can, time for your son  to get a promotion or a second job. you have raised your children! don't forget that

Answer 9

Wow, I feel for you I know woman like that I do not understand how they can live that way and to raise children in such an environment is irresponisble do they not know about birth control or hygiene. It is always hard for a grandma as she has a special place for her grandchildren.

My mom always told me it is no sin being poor but is a d**n sin to be dirty. You love your son and I know you are only helping because of the kids and of him.

It is a tough situation but you dont have to be happy when you are not. Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Best of luck!

Answer 10

wow u have to teach ur son and his wife (is that the relationship?) tough love and stop paying for those things. They are adult enough to have 3 children and take care of themselves. Thats going to be another baby shower you're going to have to put out hundreds of dollars for.

Answer 11

All you can do is love your son, daughter in law, and grandchildren. It's their life and their decision to have more children. And it's truly not your business if she cooks or cleans. You chose to help pay for your sons car etc because you love him. Of course you're concerned but take a step back so you don't create a dreadful relationship with them. Just help out to the best of your ability and everything else will just have to fall into place. I know much easier said than done. Just think though, you'll have another grand baby to love very soon.

Answer 12

I believe you are doing more hurting than good by paying for his car and everything and also shelling out so much money for other things. My husband and I have had our hard times with money having 2 kids and all, and yes both of our parents have helped, but not too that extent. We both got off our butts and worked and applied for food stamps, wic, and medicaid. My husband and I made the decision for him to go into the military when our 2 year old was only a few months old. He did it for his family. We now don't have as much trouble. I'm not saying you should tell him to go to the military, I'm just saying that if our parents had done what you are doing for him...we would not have made the life we have now. We are both young. We're only 22. We have a 2 year old and 6 month old. My parents and his are always buying clothes and stuff for the babies, but not b/c we ask for and b/c we can't. It's b/c they live so far away and just want to be involved in some way. Buying gifts is what they do. But in no way do the support us. I'm not the perfect housewife. I don't clean as much as I should, but if mine or his parents tried to intervene I would tell them exactly what people are telling you...it's not of their business. Unless it's bad enough to get CPS involved. If that's the case...then call CPS. You can't fix everything. It's their life. Maybe he should search for a better job. It is possible. It sounds as if they are both just lazy. But I gaurantee if you stop supporting them the way you do, they will snap out of that REAL quick. I don't blame you for not being happy about it, but they are grown adults and have to live their own lives. You should support them with LOVE and just accept the fact that they're idiots.

Answer 13

Clearly they are taking you for a ride and as long as you bend to their will they will take advantage of you. Tough love is the only solution. Offer to pay for the kids schooling /creche and draw the line there. This will give your daughter a reason to get a job and contribute. If the kids dont have food or clothes by all means contribute to that but the rest leave up to the parents. Be very firm and stick to your word dont give in. If he cant raise the money for his veichle then he must catch public transport. Suggest to your daughter that she must have her tubes tied and that if she does not you will retract all financial help.   Clearly they will not take responsibility for themselves if you are there to do it for them. Be firm , be consitant and if they are really batteling offer to take the kids until they are on their feet. You have started a co dependancy wich needs to be nipped in the bud otherwise you will be supporting them for the rest of your life and they will have no motivation to improve their lives and take responsibility for their actions. The only way to quell that feeling of unease in your stomach is to take action.