How am i supposed to carry on dealing with this?

Question

my dad has always been a heavy drinker and drinks every day, i can say that obviously its a big if but if he hadn't been a problem drinker he would have been a completely diff person,husbans father etc,he does work,but other stuff he doesn't do is mainly down to him being a man and my mum not expecting alot of him,his drinking is more routine like he will only go certain times but i must say that it is something that has come first,not only that but for the last 6 years he has been having helth problems god knows what exactly it is although i have a few ideas and because i know he is worried and scarde deep down and he probably knows the drinking has caused it and now makes things worse he has never asked a gp about it,although he's been about other things in between,its really hard livbing with all of this,i am 28 by the way,cause in a way noone has said its ok to push things aside but you sort of learn this is how it is and you cope cause if nothings going to change what do you do,but then i spend half the time very down,anxious,don't feel like doing anything,worrting about his condition,please don't say talk to him or you must do something,as i know i am asking for advice so that may some of your answers but i have tried in small ways and when i did approach him about his health probs he goes yeah there gonna say do you smoke or do you drink,so i'm like so what ,thats cause he knows that his drinking and health probs are related,which makes me think it comes across like he really has a problem,its so unfair whereas most other people i think that didn't have other factors in the story would go and get treatment and help,but i guess someone who is a problem drinker is not just going to go and do that,i don't really see anything changing unless it falls upon him,i have been reading that people say as i know there are diff type of problem drinkers,but soem say its not when you drink its how much and why,whereas others are saying if you drink everyday you are a alcoholic,my sister says hes not that bad thats only cause she knows things are going along just the same as always,plus shes unfortunatly known people whom have died from alcohol abuse and there ways must have been more worse than my dad,and i look at my mum and think how could you have married someone like this,and obviously it has affected ther marriage and her life,but she gets on with life whereas with me it does affect me out of the house,but i feel when i'm at home like i don't want to do anything indoors sometimes,this is also a reason why i've never been keen on having boyfriends around or friends,but then because my parents are different like everyone is they are not interested about things like this,which i find wrong,and also don't like me bringing people round like evryone else does. I do feel though upon talking to others though,that have had parents that don't drink at all,were on diff sides of the world,cause i think there are many who do drink that aren't problem drinkers but does come into your life sometimes,and i think even drinkers that do stick within legal limits per week must have diff lifestyles to others as alcohol is still included in ther life,cause they do say the legal limit is your units your aloud per week with a few days off inbetween. Anyway i would just appreciate anyones opinion on my situation,advice or if anyones had or got a situation like this in there own life. Thanks

Answer 1

Well, for a start, he is obviously an alcoholic and is damaging his own health anyway  - and certainly not helping any health problems he already has.

It`s a known fact that alcoholics can only stop drinking themselves.  They really have to want to.

I think all you can do is mention it to him occasionally  - and point out that it will finally end in an early and unpleasant death.  But it`s no use nagging, as that will only make it worse.

Sorry about this worrying thing in your life - but it is happening in hundreds if not thousands of homes.  

Alcoholics are selfish people: it`s a free country to do whatever we want within the law and as long as it is not hurting or impacting on others...but alcoholism  does impact on others. Very much so.

Answer 2

OK let's get something straight right at the start. While you prefer to describe your dad as a "problem drinker", by definition he is an ALCOHOLIC!  Anyone who has problems in his/her life due to an addiction such as alcohol, recognizes that there are problems, but continues to abuse their substance of choice is an addict, & your dad's addiction is to alcohol, so that makes him an alcoholic OK?

Once it was established that your dad is an alcoholic, all of that other stuff you wrote about (while very relevant) didn't need to be said, since your story is very typical of a child of an alcoholic.

You could very well write down your entire life story with your father from your earliest memory all the way to the present, & it could easily end up being a word for word description, & life manual for what life is like living with an alcoholic in your family.

Since you are now a young adult, & have more options & choices open to you then you did when you were a small child forced to live under the same roof as an alcoholic, then my advice to you is to turn your focus from HIM, to YOU.

I know that many of us are raised with the belief that it is our burden from birth to protect our family members from all perils, even when it risks our own safety & well-being. But there needs to be limits to that, especially when the family member in harms way seems to be so determined to self-destruct.

That is why I know that you could be helped tremedously by meeting with others, & learning how they have coped with their lives with their addicts. So don't be shy, contact your nearest chapter of ALANON, (they may be closer than you think).

Meanwhile I highly, highly recommend that you read a book by Melodie Beatty titled "Co-Dependant No More".

It helped me, & I KNOW it will help you to read it as well, so find a copy. Start with the library if you want, but I'll bet they have trouble keeping their copy available because, as I said, your story is not unusual so therefore you are not alone.

Good Luck!