How ambitius should a married girl be?

Question

To all the newly weds and all the experienced ones (especially Indian girls) ,

My question is like this: how much ambition should a married girl possess? this ambition is in terms of profession/academics alone.

I am a working professional. As a child i've been brought up as an independent girl who should grow up and earn her living. Naturally i have my thoughts and ideas moulded that way. But when i got married, the picture seemed different. Here in my new family, i have girls (my sis-in-law, bro-in-law's wife etc) who are mostly homemakers looking after children and family. Naturally i m findng myself and my thoughts way misfit amongst these people. I've never imagined myself to be a homemaker. Nor have my parents. I always have felt it derogatory to sit at home and do nothing. My self-esteem (or call it ego) has resulted out of my beliefs and my achievements so far.

Its been an year since i got married but am totally lost fighting the confusion created by my teachings from childhood and those after marriage.

The result is, since i do not spend enough time at home, my (dominating) sis-in-law takes up the charge and takes decisions in my absence. I feel this is causing serious interference. And i do not feel self satisfied.

Somebody please advice me how i should tackle this situation. I do not feel like its my home anymore. How can i inculcate this feeling constructively????

Please tell me if you think my thoughts are wrong. I only want to establish a home of my own- somewhere my opinion would be respected and be accepted. Somewhere there'll be things of my touch and taste.

Answer 1

Live with husband alone! Get away from family in terms of home. You must work on the relationship between you two, without interference from anyone.

By all means, work, study, advance, and contribute to society and the world.

Answer 2

You must take your husband in confidence and decide whether you want to be a home maker or you want to work and earn, for earning gives you a lot of self respect and confidence.

Answer 3

If this marriage is out of love, you should discuss your issue with him! I am not Indian and can not truly comprehend how your situation works, but if your marriage is based upon love, tell him of your problems and ambitions. If he is not supportive, perhaps you are in the wrong mayonnaise jar cowgirl!

Answer 4

You can't change who you are nor should you. You need some united front from your husband with the intrusion from sis in law etc... That is your home and your husbands. If his beliefs are that far different than your own you need to come to a happy compromise you can both live with. Neither of you is wrong. Requesting space of your own to decorate, dispay and make your mark is not out of place and can be done with great tact. I m assuming these are the kinds of things done in your absense.

You did not mention what kinds of decisions are being made in your absence as I think that is the key here. Actually if there are others who are more available to deal with same things in your absence take advantage of it as long as its not putting you down in the meantime. If others are doing home decorating be graceful and appreciative of help in the areas that they have more time to dealing with. But maybe interject some personal styes of your own and let them be creative. Ask for understanding in who you are instead of judgment. As you also give in return to them. If you can put aside judgments with all involved you may find ways to work this out.

If the problem is more rooted with you and your husband and his expectation of what he wants from you in the home then you NEED to discuss how you can both come to a place of understanding and appreciation of each other without trying to change each other.

It sounds like your sister in law is a driver personality. They actually are not that hard to deal with. As long as you are willing to give them something to control and ask for help where you want it you can have a good relationship. My sister is that way and truly only means to help. I have learned to ask her for help and give her rein in areas with interjection of specifics of my own. She can have the power I don't want it. You can find yourself in this if you can learn to give up power and interject with appreciation and kindness. They thrive on the need of others.

My best wishes

Answer 5

i never stayed a single day at home after my postgraduation.took up a job immediately.worked in an honourable position in an engineering college,even started my ph.d,but got married and had to leave my job and doctoral program as i had to relocate.to this day,from day one,i never felt bad.i am at home for the past seven yrs.life as a home maker is a demanding one,but u see its a rewarding one.so cheer up.try to get over that thought thats in u since child hood.ofcourse i will have more money,but there are things money can never give us,and there are a lot of regrets in working moms which their money or position cannot erase.be ther for your hubby,and kids and be a great home maker.we can turn the society.there is no time now,i would say 24hrs are not enough.i too feared of sitting idly at home,just before marriage when i thought i have to quit job.but the day is not enough  for me

Answer 6

I don't think your thoughts are wrong, it is a personal choice and opinion about whether or not you want to stay home and be a homemaker, or if you want to be out in the work force along with your husband.  This decision should be made based on what you want from life, not what your nosey in laws want from life.

That being said, please don't find people who stay home as derogatory.  I currently work from home so that I can be closer to my children, however when my husband gets his promotion and ends up earning enough money, I will be leaving the work force to stay home with my children to raise them and keep house -- I find nothing derogatory about that at all.  If it's not for you that's fine, but please try to look at it through a different light -- it's a lot of very hard work. :)

Now, you need to talk to your husband and tell him that his family needs to start minding their own business.  In no way, shape, or form is your sister in law to be making decisions for your family if you're not around -- she shouldn't even know that much about what's going on in your personal family life to be able to make those decisions.  Being close is one thing, but being nosey, pushing, and domineering is totally another.  Have a talk with her and explain that you know she must mean well, but your family is YOUR family, not hers, and she needs to back off and stop making decisions for you in your absence.  

If she doesn't, it's going to end up causing you to resent her, and also to resent your husband for putting this rift between you.  As a married couple you are supposed to be a team, and always back one another, but it seems he is backing his sister more than you.

Long story short (kind of, lol) sit down with your husband and explain that you have no desire to be a homemaker.  Tell him that you want to be out in the work force, but that it's not going to make you any less of a wife or a mother to your children (when you have them.)  Say that you will do everything you can to be there for him and the (future) kids, but in the meantime you need for his sister to take a giant leap backwards, and stop nosing into your business and making decisions on your behalf.

Move if necessary. :)

Good luck!

Answer 7

If your husband knew that you were ambitious prior to marriage, then he should accept that you are now.  Tell him that it is unacceptable to continue to live with the family, and that you will work and do what it takes for you and him to have a separate home where you can express yourself.  Make sure he knows how unhappy you are.