How are these poems?

Question

Heartache

The guy of my dreams

I never need to wake up when he is there

He makes me laugh

Smile

A real smile.

He makes me feel like butterflies are fluttering in my heart

Hummingbirds singing their song of spring

Clearing my head

When he is next to me

I cannot breathe

My heart cannot beat

Yet it is thumping like the feet of an angry herd of elephants

When he wrapped my in his arms

I wanted to melt away

Freeze time

Hold the moment in a crystal ball

Saved from the future

Always the present

So I ask myself...

Why did it have to change?

Why couldn't he just keep letting me feel that feeling of...love?

Was it love?

I think so.

Better than this heartache that ripples in my temples

Nauseates my stomach

Turns my blood into ice

My skin into a numb shell

Threatening to break any moment

But tears cannot come.

Heartache does.

Why?

Why does she get the guy?

The perfect parents?

The life that seems to be posed for like a family photo

Everyone wears a matching outfit

Gears working together to form a perfect circuit

At Christmas she sits by her fireplace

In her warm fuzzy pajamas

Cuddling her baby sister

Looking out the window at the snow on the windowpane

Falling slowly and beautifully

Why does the rich dumb blonde get it all?

While her fellow humans must wish for something

Work for it

Want it, really want it

To get it

Why do I never get the guy?

Because she gets him first in the petty game of prizes

I must sit at home

My parents divorced

My rebel sister and lonely brother

My g*y mother and her partner who has no sentiment to me

It's not jealousy

It is anger to The Girl Who Gets It All

She does not have to try

She does not care.

To her it is just a game.

Can't she see?

There is more to life than game pieces and playing cards

You do not roll the dice to see what you get,

Win the prize

And go on with everything.

One choice matters

Why is she an ignorant moron?

Why do I care?

Answer 1

They aren't poems, they are your feelings and thoughts on paper.

Answer 2

No one should say these aren't poems. We can say they need some polishing.

Poem 1 - This is more than one poem. Pull the pieces apart and work with them separately. Don't feel you need to put in all the articles, but if you take them out be sure to replace them with the proper punctuation. Watch out for tired old metaphors like butterflies. Why not try "lightning bugs in my heart?" You are also mixing metaphors: herd of elephants, crystal ball, hummingbirds, etc. Just pick one and wrap the poem around it. Filter your emotions through it.

Poem 2 - Beware of lots of questions. You don't need to say "why is she and ignorant moron?" We already know how you feel about her.

That being said, I have to say that remember what it was like to feel exactly like this. Most people understand what you are feeling. What you have to do is pick an emotion or two, then pick a symbol. For example, uh, fire. Fire can stand for anger, jealousy or rebirth. Off the cuff, this is what I would write:

Burning.

Fireflies are green flames in my heart;

holes punched in the lid to let in the air

and still he keeps me in this jar,

unaware

that in the morning

I will have starved to death

for the lack of his attention

and no longer glow.

There - a poem just for you. We'll title it, um, "Captive." Does that help?

Keep practicing and revel in all the words you have at your disposal.

Good luck.

Answer 3

i feel for her and iiiii think it's a beautiful way to channel your expressions and emotions and i strongly believe you should continue because i thought it was fantastic. maybe... if you want to spice it up... speak in third person instead of first. that way it is an actual story like you are the author. that tends to grab readers more. anyway, 1st or 3rd it's amazing keep up the good work!