How are you managing to have your wedding be "your day" without being rude?

Question

This is partly from my frustrations with recent questions, but there is an honest question at the end. Sorry if this comes up twice, I asked this a half an hour ago and it never came up.

I have been frequenting this area of this site a bit, and I have seen plenty of etiquette- minded answers. There also seems to be a lot of people so wrapped up in the concept of "IT'S MY DAY" that they forget that guests are still guests, and even if it is a day about the bride and the couple, your guests are still guests. They choose to come celebrate with you, they are not human decorations or gift machines.

It’s easy to get caught up in planning and dreaming about a wedding. I am mostly concerned with not breaking the bank and having a good time with my future husband and family. Its still can be hard to maintain the balance of having the day how you want and avoiding hurting feelings or making people angry.

How are you balancing between your dreams, your budget, and your guests comfort?

Answer 1

My wedding is going to be Thanksgiving (Autumn) themed because it will take place the day after Thanksgiving. (Friday, November 28). Since we are on a budget & we want to accomodate everyone we felt this date was perfect for many reasons:

1. Our families will be ALREADY together from out-of-town to celebrate Thanksgiving so we don't have to splurge on hotel & plane tickets.

2. The ceremony & reception will be in one place so the guests are  driving around getting lost trying to find the reception site.

3. Since everyone will be living off Thanksgiving leftovers for the next 2 weeks, we won't have to splurge on food so we are just going to have TONS of appetizers. When everyone goes home, they can get back to the leftovers.

4. With the funds that we were going to spend on the meals, we decided to use it on VERY elegant wedding favors for the guests.

5. And...we can ALWAYS celebrate Thanksgiving & our Anniversary around the same time & most importantly....with family. :o)

Answer 2

I've been finding things that I've wanted for the wedding by making them or finding cheaper alternatives. I was lucky enough to find a wedding dress that was drastcially marked down and still fit perfectly. Alot of the decorations and colours I've been able to choose, then I check with FH to make sure he thinks it's ok too ( most the time). And to look after the guests, I just thought back to when I attended acouple of weddings recently and kept in mind what I liked and what I didn't like about them, and I also thought about how I'd want to be treated as a guest.

Answer 3

Well it starts with the fact that I didn't really have wedding "dreams" for what I wanted my day to be.  That helps a lot! lol!

Really I only want 2 things for my wedding day: to end up married to my fiance and to not go over budget.

Everything else to me is about the guests.  A great number of them are flying in from out of province and I want to show them a great time, and I want my family to have the chance to party and celebrate.  So as long as it's in budget, I'm not picky about much else.  I mean, I would like some things a certain way, like we have colours (cranberry red, silver and gold) and I would like things to match, but if something isn't the perfect shade of red, who cares?  I guess it's the perspective some brides take.  A wedding is ONE day, that's it, it's just a day.  And a perfect wedding doesn't equal a perfect marriage.  I'm much more excited about being married than having a wedding.  I think that perspective helps me NOT freak out about the little things that can make brides come off as rude/demanding.

I guess the other thing is to appreciate what you have.  I have a wonderful family!  My loving sisters are going to be my bridesmaids with my best friend.  They love me, and I appreciate that they want to stand up for me on my wedding day.  So to show them my appreciation I'm not making them wear something they hate, I picked black for the dresses and they are going to pick the style they want and each of them will be made.  That way they feel that they look great and they have a little black cocktail dress then can wear again.

Also, my mom is making my wedding dress.  That is saving my $1000s of dollars and I get my "Dream dress" since I designed what she will make.  Yelling at her, and being a demanding b****h is not the way to show appreciation and thanks for that.

My fiances parents are giving us a great deal of money for the wedding and paying for the open bar because we couldn't afford it and they really wanted that for our guests.  Fighting with them about additions they would like or little details they are helping pay for doesn't show we are grateful, so we all work together so everyone is happy with the day (it's their party too, which I don't mind because they are family and should be proud to invite friends and celebrate).

I think keeping everything in the perspective that it's just ONE day, and that people with suggestions are only trying to help because they love you, really helps the process go smoothly!

Good Luck!

Answer 4

I had the exact same dilema. I chose to involve my mom, mother-in-law, and aunts as well as cousins in the planning process so that I could get several view points. It wasn't the fanciest wedding ever, but gosh we had the best time. We made the decorations at home, which were gorgeous, my aunts made the food that was out of this world, and my bridesmaids helped make the day very specail with a shopping trip to a big mall an hour away as the bachelorette party. It was the best time!

Answer 5

My biggest problem is maintaining the feel of a "small, intimate wedding" without offending people and who we invite, and who's involved. That's been our biggest etiquette hurdle so far.

While I don't, at all, agree with the "princess" mentality, I think of lot of us brides on a budget are trying desperately to please everyone, but it eventually comes down to what we want more because we're the ones footing the bill and paying for meals, etc. I don't think I'm a princess for a day, and I keep calling our wedding a "family event," but at the same time, we can't cater to anyone and everyone.

I always keep my guests' comfort in mind first, but if I need to do something that helps me and my fiance (say, cut a few guests), then that's what we have to do. It's tough, but I think that's why some brides get a little crazy.

However, those that think they're princess for a day ... that's just weird and selfish ...and not cool.

Answer 6

I made 2 lists of priorities - what were things we absolutely wanted for our wedding and what were things that we wanted to do for our guests.

The list for our wants for us was relatively short so that made my life fairly easy. It mainly consisted of things for the ceremony since it seemed that was the most important thing for 'US'. The list for the guests were to make sure they were included in whatever was going on and to make it as comfortable for everyone - us included - so that it was enjoyable.  Once the lists were completed the rest was just fill in the blanks.

Enjoy the day however you choose to. I agree with your statement of not being a princess, you are a bride. While it's a special day for you and your husband it's not a national holiday for the rest of the world.

Answer 7

Easy

guest want

1. Good food

2. Open Bar

3. Good music

Everything else doesn't matter to them only you.... favors, centerpieces... it's all the same after so many wedding.

We made sure we had a large buffet, big open bar and good music.  The rest of the stuff- I did cheaply but still made it nice.  I got nice candle favors that were affordable and didn't kill myself fretting over them.  I got a cheap dress from David's bridal and called it a day.

You just have to remember- it's just a party, not the end of the world if something goes wrong.

Also I just like to add athough not everyone can afford an open bar you should have something for your guest.   I was at a wedding where it was cash bar but the bride had a wedding dress and then another wedding dress for the receiption, rent herself a fancy car and a limo for the wedding party, had a chocolate fountain and hot chocolate bar and all this c**p.  All the guest comment how tacky it was to have all this "junk" and not have drinks for the guest.   People notice when you spend lots of money on yourself and silly items because you want them- and short change your guest.

Answer 8

I have had 2 moments where I had to hold my breath because I was afraid something I had said was out of line - but apparently I it wasn't so I was relieved! So far it's been smooth sailing. I never had "wedding dreams" as a little girl, which may be odd but is actually refreshing because I have no "perfects" and no "I wants" to fulfill. Most of my thoughts have been "what will people enjoy the most?" and that seems to make the decisions for me. I have let my BMs pick their dress and they all agreed on the color so there's no problem there. I am paying for their dresses which makes me feel better. My fiance and I have similar taste and that's a big help because we rarely disagree on things. We've got a little over 11 months until the wedding and the majority of our list if done, planned and contracts signed! As for the budget, we've not really had to think about it much. Everything we have chosen so far has fallen right in line with our guestimates (lucky!) and we've even been able to spend more on things than we initially thought. In the end, our wedding is more about the meaning of the ceremony, celebrating with our family and friends and the comfort of the guests than anything. If not about that, what would it be about?! ( =

Answer 9

I think that you need to have an honest discussion with yourself and your fiance and decide what it is you all want vs. what you can afford.  Unless you can afford to have a very large budget, there are going to be some sacrifices that you are going to have to make.  And often, there are alternatives you can do to have the same effect, but not cost as much.

Your guests will be comfortable if they see you all are happy.  Yes, I am aware they are guests and you want them to have a good time at your wedding, but I guarantee you, if you spend too much time worrying about others and not about yourself, you will regret it.  Congratullations!

Answer 10

Ah, you're wise, and sound like you are on a sane path...

This was totally easy for us, maybe because we were a mature couple planning a wedding - I was 28, he was 38.

We planned a 'family' wedding, simply because we believe that's what weddings are for - to host a wonderful day for family and friends to witness the vows at the ceremony, then celebrate with you at an amazing reception.

I know it sounds 'too ideal', but while planning - and on the wedding day itself - there wasn't one instance of arguing, disagreeing, etc. amongst family or attendants - just nothing. Everyone just did everything harmoniously - I'm sure it was a combination of just planning well - I was the fifth child to get married from my family, so Mom had tons of experience - and truly, not being selfish or demanding. There simply was no need to.

We paid for our wedding, about 200 guests with lots of kids, too; it was very traditional - church ceremony, amazing buffet dinner, a great dance, and full open bar for six to seven hours. However, we ensured that we were using traditions we wanted, traditions our family had, etc.; we did take others into consideration.

The wedding day is ONE day - and we knew that, but still wanted to make it extraordinary. After all, the marriage is going pretty wonderfully, too!

Answer 11

I'm not having any attendants at all.  My sister and his brother will sign the registry as witnesses.  I also gave my guy a number limit as to how many guests can attend and no more.  His Dad and stepmother are not on that list because they have shown to be rather nasty people (not that they would travel 1000 miles anyway) and I'm fed up with dealing with folks like that, so I won't do so.

My dream was to get married in my 20s in the winter.  I'm long past my 20s, but still getting a winter wedding and even better, won't be wearing a white dress but something more in keeping with Medieval England. I am Pagan, not christian, so happily either location we are deciding upon will have a lot of holiday red/gold/green.  

Answer 12

Now-a-Days people understand that weddings are supposed to be a one in a lifetime experience. If you have people participating in your wedding who really care about you then they SHOULD understand that YOU want YOUR DAY to be the way that YOU want it to be. If they don't understand that then you might want to relieve them of their duties. So many people want to try to implement their ideas into someone else's wedding for whatever reasons when they shouldn't do that. Their time has past or will eventually come. Although I would try to be considerate of other people feelings if they are VERY important to you but they need to understanding who's day it is and how to bite their tounge. Good Luck!

Answer 13

i am also in the midst of planning my wedding......

1. set your budget first, and prioritize where the $ is being spent. Decide how much/if  you can go over. I made a total overall budget and broke it down; cake, ceremony, decorations, etc and figured out how much each would cost. I actually did the breakdown first and set the overall later, but that made it easier to see what I could cut, how much i saved, or where i can allocate differently. Unfortunately, the budget dictates the dream.

2. Guests are guests. It's ONE day out of their lives to celebrate your special day (the rest of YOUR life). Sure, certain accomodations should be made, but w/in reason. (make sure there is adequate seating, food, bathrooms) no need to go overboard

I asked the most important people (our parents) if there was anything special they wanted to see/have. I told them (and other who contributed ideas) that it would certainly be discussed w/fiance and taken into consideration. Act like all ideas are great. In the end, you tell those people "there were just so many great ideas we had to compromise, i wish we could have more than one wedding to accomodate all those great ideas!"

The people that really care about you won't even notice that you didn't do this or that. They will enjoy themselves and be happy for you.

Answer 14

You are totally correct in saying that a lot of brides get caught up in the idea of, "it's my one day to be the queen, and everything should be my way, and I don't care about anyone but me, etc. etc.".

There are two main problems with this mindset:

1.  It's selfish and childish and no one wants to be around someone like that, even if she's a bride!  She will only end up ruining or hurting relationships with friends & family that, in some cases, can never be mended!

2.  It's really NOT just about the bride & her day!  Here's why:

these people are supposed to be invited to a celebration of the vows you are making to each other, not a gift giving frenzy or popularity contest, etc.  AND the bride does owe them a little consideration; they have taken off work, driven or flown in from out of town, hired sitters, paid for hotel rooms & meals & gas & tickets, gone to stores to pick out gifts, paid for gifts, wrapped gifts, brought gifts, dressed up in probably new clothes and given up a perfectly good Saturday night to be there; show them some consideration!

Here's the answer to your basic question:  You can never please everyone all the time; can't be done!  So, as a bride, remember these rules of consideration towards your guests & everything else can be at your discretion!

1.  Have somewhere for them to sit.

2.  Make sure restrooms are available nearby.

3.  If it is inside, make sure there is A/C or heat.

4.  If it is outside, try not to have it in hot months, but if you do, keep the ceremony very short, provide fans & bottled water.

5.  Don't make them wait longer than 20-30 minutes between ceremony & reception, and give them at least something to drink in the meantime.

6.  Don't have a dinner-time reception without serving enough food to fill them up.

That's it! Good luck to you & thank you for considering your guests' comfort!

Answer 15

I looked at it this way, my perfect wedding is going to be on a budget, because that's my style. I would never pay thousands of dollars on a wedding. My perfect wedding is also going to include that all my guests have a good time. My dreams are also going to include things important to me... things like my dad walking me down the aisle, etc.

I was able to do this. My guests had a fabulous time eating pork BBQ and other picnic foods. They say on hay bales down by the pond for the ceremony. The had a blast either playing volleyball, watching the game, or sitting around the fire roasting marshmallows. I also included things I wanted- my dad walking me down the aisle, and fabulous music (free on an ipod)

However it definitely wasn't just my day. It was my husband's day, my parent's day, his parent's day... etc. The wedding is not only about the couple but the family. In my opinion, anyway.

Answer 16

honey in weddings people always look at the bride wearing her beautiful wedding dress and your smile so basicly the day is about you without saying a word

Mcktobin Cancellers

Answer 17

I'm not worrying about it. My parents insisted on paying, and they're the ones who want it to be large, so budget isn't my problem. They're being pretty good about the guests (except for that fact that they're having to sit through a reception after being nice enough to come to the wedding, but how else do we feed them?). As for my dreams? Who gives a d**n about those? This day has nothing to do with me, it's about the start of a marriage, not about me. One day is a small price to pay for that.  

Answer 18

I agree that it's not all about the bride being Ms. Princess Bride, it's about everyone involved, and the feelings of the groom, family, and friends count too.  Having said that, you only get to be the bride once (usually) so it's nice for the bride to get to pick her colors, dress, music, etc.  What I've learned is that if you have made a choice that you like, don't ask for advice!  It only hurts one's feelings to say happily "I chose these flowers!"  Only to hear - "You chose THOSE flowers?"  So I would keep my choices to myself, or maybe confide in the groom or Maid of Honor, or Mom, or someone you know who will be supportive and not try to take over (that someone is different for everyone!)... I did not have a "wedding party" because I don't like the idea of asking a lot of other people to buy/wear certain clothes and rehearse the ceremony, etc.  It demands a lot of their time.  However, I can see why it would be important to other people who have followed this tradition.  Well, that's my two cents... congrats &enjoy!

Answer 19

My boyfriend and I have named our #1 priorities and we have set a modest budget. We are keeping the guest list down to 90-95 ppl. we are eliminating the ring bearer, flower girl and only having a best man and maid of honor. I am trying to be creative and cost efficient.

I am splurging on food and photography. I will have the dress I want...but I will cut other corners. We are having an all adult evening wedding.

My budget breakdown

Ceremony 5%

Reception 45%

(favors and food)

Attire 12%

(dress accesories and tux)

Flowers and decor 7%

Photography and Videography 15%

Cake 5%

Stationary 2%

(invitations and postage)

Gifts 1%

Answer 20

  As a guest, but obviously not a bride, and a groom twice in similar weddings, I would suggest some thinking along these lines

Big wedding, not tiny, as mine were.

  All these people are traveling to see me and my husband get married, how can we meet them that we may not see again for a while?   How can the reception be the right size that we can meet people and socialize?

How can we get them to meet each other when they may never see each other again?

  Can the wedding be made to flow so guests are not in suspended animation while the bride and groom get pictures made and are transported to the reception?  If a church wedding, in a facility or on a date that doesn't make it a "move in, get married, get out for the next wedding"?   Reception in the church or very near by so people can walk between.  

  Plan the wedding so the husband and wife are not yanked away for travel (or the "wedding night") leaving guests to cope?  Make it clear how the day will go to the guests.

  Lower cost

  Can friends and relatives create the reception (and rehearsal dinners), even after a church wedding, which can make it more informal also?

  Can the wedding dress be an accessorized very nice dress that can be worn afterward, without the veil and train, etc., instead of a $3,000+ formal monstrosity that will never be worn again and certainly not passed on to the daughter who will think it dated.

Answer 21

I think first that women need to realize that it's not "YOUR" day.  It's your "WEDDING" day.  It's about the marriage.  The union of two people.  It's not about you being the princess bride.  Unless your father is the king of a country, you are not a princess.  The guest are still guests and the bride and groom should act like hosts with all the manners that go with that.  No one has to come to your wedding.  No one has to buy you a gift.