How are you supposed to explain this to a 5-year-old child =(

Question

My niece's dad hasn't had much to do with her. On her 5th birthday he called to talk to her but she didn't know she was talking to her dad. She has asked about him before, but my sister just told her that he lives far away (he really does). Now my sister is thinking about telling her that it was her dad she was talking to and she's going to show her a picture of him so she'll know his face. My sister is afraid that she'll ask more questions like why he isn't around. What should she tell her if she asks?

Answer 1

The truth, but not so straight-forward. Example...him and mom didn't get along.

Answer 2

The truth.  Daddy loves you but he can't be with you.  

Answer 3

She should have been told before this.  But what's done is done.  She's too young to know the real truth, which I won't say, but at least he called on her birthday.  

Tell her mom and dad didn't get along and that's why they don't live together, which is probably true to some extent anyways.  Dad lives very far away (say another country) and it's hard and expensive for him to visit.  

If he doesn't contact his daughter on a regular basis, it sounds like its the first time he ever called her, I would tell her to stop all contact with him.  It just confuses the heck out of kids.

Answer 4

Tell her dad he's a worm, unless there is reason for his behavior, which it doesn't sound like there is.

Actually, you could probably reason with the child that he's a weird sort of person, and she'll probably understand this better than what you might imagine.

Answer 5

She's young, but she'll be starting school and there will be a lot of talk about mommies and daddies. It is time to show her the picture, tell her that was Daddy on the phone, and if possible get him to call her occasionally, to have only a positive relationship with her.  

Answer 6

Tell it to her straight. She'll find out anyway, sooner or later. But do this when the dad's around, so they can both explain and the kid won't feel like it's her fault.  

Answer 7

I think she should tell the little girl it was her dad and show her a picture. When the questions come, she should answer them in an honest age appropriate mannor.

No she shouldn't tell her he didn't want to take care of her. At least not yet. Taht can come years from now. For now she can say that he was unable to take care of a child. If the girl asks why (and they always do) your sister can say something like "He wasn't grown up enough to be a daddy" Which soundsl ike is true.

Answer 8

The truth, she is entitled to it.

Answer 9

Everyone says that she should have been told a long time ago but I disagree because a long time ago she was just a baby.

Your sister should openly answer all her questions, for, the child is entitled to the truth like people have said in their answers, but if she doesn't want to, she may wait until the child has matured a bit and would understand the situtation a bit more. But the child might not be pleased if she has to wait, so I think the best thing would be to tell her, and if she doesn't understand forget it for the moment.

Answer 10

The truth would be best, but it depends on the childs own ability to cope that determines what she should know

Answer 11

If she asks, she should be told the truth. It isn't a good idea to lie or avoid it....

Please answer my question??

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 12

probably tell her a partial truth, like daddy lives far away because he has a job far away (don't tell the kid that he left mom for another woman!)

She should try and focus on his good qualities, so the little girl has positive thoughts and doesn't get depressed.

I don't know why he didn't make the effort to go see her in so long, but at least he's calling.

Answer 13

I think she just needs to explain to her that mommy and daddy didn't get along so he moved away.  She is old enough to understand that now.  When she get's older - her mother can decide to tell her the actual truth if she feels her daughter can handle it.

Honestly - I don't understand why the mother would let the father have contact with his daughter if he is choosing not to help take care of her?  Why is that fair to the mother or daughter?  He shouldn't be allowed to contact her until he can man up and help with child support.  If I were in that situation, I wouldn't tell my daughter that was her father on the phone and I definitely wouldn't show her his picture.  He doesn't deserve that right as far as I would be concerned.

He basically is copping out of taking care of his child but having the privelege of coming in and out of her life whenever it's convenient for him.

Answer 14

The worst thing a parent can do is bad-mouth the other parent to the kids.  It is extremely difficult for kids to be raised by just one parent or in a bad relationship.  Mom is making a big mistake by letting the sperm donor off the hook.  He should be paying child support and involved in her life.

If Mom continues to keep Dad out of her daughter's life, she should tell the little girl that the man is her Dad and that he lives somewhere else.  She should meet him and be allowed regular visits (supervised since we don't know what kind of character he is, right?).  

Kids can be a major source of contention between unenlightened adults, but it is possible to be separated and loving, responsible parents if everyone is on the same page.  The focus is the well-being of the child, not the relationship between the parents.  They are both responsible for this child's development and should both step up to the plate and cooperate.

Answer 15

Dad should either be in or out.  If he doesn't want to take care of his daughter, she shouldn't have the privilege of having contact with her.  Your sister should tell the no good excuse for a man that if he's not going to be a dad, to stop calling and stay away.  

Answer 16

she should have been more honest with her from the beginning. It's not fair to her to not know who her father is especially if he's allowed to have contact with her....like calling her on her birthday. She should have done what she's planning to do a long time ago. The longer she waits the harder it's going to be. I'm sure she will ask questions and her mother needs to be completely honest with her or it will bite her in the butt when she is old enough to realize she was lied to her whole life.

*edit* not in so many words but yes she should tell her that!

Answer 17

Does he pay child support? Not sure why that matters but the way you say he doesn't want to have to take care of her made me curious.

Anyway, she should have been shown pictures of her dad earlier and known who he was. Is this the first time he has called her? That's sort of weird actually. Maybe he is having second thoughts about his constant absence?

I think with all the secrecy she may become a bit obsessed with the idea of her dad, frankly and she may start asking if she can call him and asking more questions.

I think she should simply be told that he is very busy working all the time and lives far away so he can't be with her, and maybe even that he and mom decided not to stay together because they didn't get along very well and that mom should take care of her.

That is really the maximum of detail she needs right now. If she had been told that in little bits as a toddler, it would not be that big of a deal now, but since this is the first she has really been told about him, she may well be very curious.

I also wonder if, since dad has developed at least a mild interest in talking to her, if he might start sending her the occasional letter, note, joke, birthday card, etc. and she might start sending him pictures she's drawn or whatever. I mean if he is not a total jerk, maybe they could be pen pals and at least it would be something.

Answer 18

Who did she think she was talking to? I think that would have been the time to say it was her dad on the phone, you know? I think I would wait until the next time he calls to say it's him she's talking to because bringing it up now would be confusing to a 5 year old. "Remember that guy you talked to that one day?" Yeah, that's just awkward. If she asks questions then she should show the pictures and say maybe she can talk to him one of these days. Then if he calls she can say it's your dad on the phone. As far as why he's not around I'd just stick with the fact that he lives far away- that's enough for a 5 year old. Keep things simple.

Answer 19

You should say that both of her parents love her very much but her daddy can't take care of her.

Answer 20

If she asks why he lives far away just say, "because that is where his job is." It's true (I'm assuming he is working) so she wouldn't be lying. A 5 year old is a little young to know of any problems he might have or why he is far away and doesn't see her. It is good though for your sister to open the door for conversation about him because the older her daughter get's the harder it'll be for her to start. I wish your sister luck!

I just read your add on: Don't tell a 5 year old that, shoot, any child shouldn't here that no matter what the age. What adult even wants to hear that their parent's don't care about them? Just have her say, "he loves you very much." It's better to not bad mouth him.