How bad is this poem?

Question

Death is near.

I can see it.

Ten,

Nine,

She whispers in

my ear

"I'm gunna be fine."

Eight, Seven,

"Hopefully

God says I deserve to go

to heaven."

Six,

Five,

"At least,

you get to be

alive."

Four,

Three, "I-I

can't see..."

Two,

One,

"At least

my life was filled with

fun."

Zero.

She's dead.

Why couldn't that bullet've

gone through

my head?

That stranger

HAD to shoot her.

Why?

I can't be without

her.

I need to die.

Tears welled up

in my eyes, falling on her lifeless

figure, as I aimed the gun

at my chest

and pulled the trigger.

Not the best Poem ever...I know. How to make it better???

Answer 1

Take out the rhyme and make it freeverse. Freeverse is definitely in right now, and rhyme is out. Make it more believable and put in more emotion, her friend is dying make it sad.

Answer 2

Good but neds some work.

Answer 3

i like it! just try to make it flow more and give it more rhythm.

Answer 4

Kati, you show good creativity in the poem, so I would encourage you to keep going.  The main problem I see is that when someone is shot in the head, I have a hard time seeing them being able to say so much as they die.  

You do a good job of rhyming, I would like to see you work more with the rhythm to make it flow better.

In poetry everything doesn't always have to be explicit.  So take the last stanza.  It's awkward.  

Maybe something more along the lines of

"I bend my head, tears drown her eyes.

  I'll see no more.  With her I'll die."

I don't know.  It's not much better, but the rhythm is and rather than telling what he does, you visualize it in the words--that's the idea.

Keep on keeping on.  What you have is worth developing.

Maggie

  

Answer 5

i love what it says! but it doesnt rhyme that much i dont no much about poems so maybe they dont always have to?

Answer 6

Not bad at all, though the third stanza could use a little but of editing. The lines don't flow into each other the same way the rest of the lines in the poem do. Otherwise this is a saddening, but still beautiful poem. It's creative as well.