How can APs in contested adoptions possibly be enjoying their parenthood?

Question

I'm thinking particularly about the APs of Stephanie Bennett's daughter Evelyn. There isn't a lot about this case in the media and everything I do know comes via adoption-related forums and blogs, so I'm not even sure if the APs are actually APs meaning I'm unsure the adoption is even final. I do know it's still in court and Stephanie and her parents are continuing the fight to get her back. As an AP I understand completely how it must feel to wait to be a mom, finally have it happen and then realize that the mom wants her child back. It must hurt like h**l. But so much of this case just screams dirty dealings and makes me wonder how the APs in this particular case can possibly enjoy being parents. Even if the ethical concerns don't keep them up at night, I would think that the very real possibility that they will lose and have to return her after 2+ years would be beyond stressful. It just seems all of this pain could have been avoided (particularly for Evelyn).

Answer 1

I have been wondering about this same question. My son lost his son to adoption. He was not aware of the child's paternity until the child was 1 1/2 yrs old.  We are dealing with lawyers and the adoption agency and the aparents. They are getting really ugly because they want my son to sign his rights away before paternity has been legally proven.  (The little boy looks A LOT like my son) My son (and his attorney) are unwilling to do that.  My son has requested visitation and continued contact and all that they are willing to offer is pictures.  In all of their legal papers there is not one mention of what is best for my grandson.  I don't know how the aparents can  live with themselves.  My son's attorney is now recommending that he file a law suit to upset the adoption.  If the aparents would cooperate with my son it would save everyone a lot of grief but the adoption agency directs them not to cooperate and it is making it horrible for everyone.  My son was able to meet the aparents and the child and I had the privilege of being there.  We spent two hours with them at the adoption agency with their personal present at all times.  The child never paid any attention to his aparents.  He spent the whole time with my son acting as if he had known him forever.  When it was time to leave we were all standing and gathering our things and the little boy ran to my son and put his arms up to him.  My son picked him up and the child acted like he wanted to go with him.  My son later told me how hard it was for him to hand him back because it felt like they should be leaving together.  I know that the aparents saw the connection and it probably (and understandably) scared them but if they put the child first as all good parents should, they would see how important it is to keep my son in his son's life.  He did not choose adoption.  He chooses to be a part of his son's life and they won't allow it at this time.  I have tried to imagine how scary it is for the aparents but their actions are what are making things worse.  If they would stop and think about how my son must feel they may understand better.  They know how it feels to want a child and to not be able to have one.  I wonder if they have ever thought about how it feels to want a child and find out that you have one and that strangers are keeping you away from him.

Answer 2

Dear Kazi,

This is something I have often wondered - Allison Quets is a friend of mine. Her twins just had their third birthday away from her a few days ago. :( .

I cannot imagine looking into my child's eyes, knowing that I had kept them against their mother's wishes or knowing that there were shady circumstances to my adoption. I wouldn't be able to look MYSELF in the mirror, much less an innocent little face. The guilt would eat me alive!

Aside from the pain the First Parents feel, the saddest victims are most definately the children. I can only wonder how these people will explain their actions to "their" children when these kids are old enough to run an internet search on themselves! My heart wants to break for the kids who will have to discover such horrible thing in their pasts! I cannot imagine the distrust, betrayal and anger that I would feel. I would not be at all surprised to find later that these children end up suing or "disowning" the people who have done this. The damage it would do to the parent-child relationship is incomprehensible to me and I can only assume that these people have absolutly no foresight and perhaps no feelings for anyone but themselves. How can you claim to love a child and then abuse (IMO, this IS abuse) them in such a manner is unfathomable. (Karma, karma, karma!!!)

My heart goes out to Stephanie, Allison and all other families fighting to be together when someone is cruelly keeping them apart. I will continue to keep them in my thoughts and hope with all that I am that these situations have some kind of justice in the end and that the people who are suffering them will be able to bear their pain long enough to see it.

Answer 3

The people holding Stephanie's baby should be charged with kidnapping.

Answer 4

Kazi, I have looked around and can't find anything later than 4/2007 on the case. I can't imagine it is still on the books considering the nature of the case?!!? I know it would be extrodinarily difficult and painful to return our child to his first mom or dad. But I didn't adopt to take a child away from his mother or father....and I simply couldn't live with myself if I knew that his parent/s had been coerced into handing him over. What is equally shocking to me about this story is, despite the numerous violations the state found regarding this and other cases, A Child's Waiting--the agency Stephanie used--is still very much in business. Sad. I wish I knew what was going on with the case today....if you have any more recent info, I would love to hear it.

<<adoptive mommy through foster care

Answer 5

I think it boils down to entitlement. "I want a baby, you said I could have yours, how dare you go back on your word?" What about the child's entitlement to her natural family? I have no knowledge of this specific case but have seen plenty like it. I know that some states give as little as 72 hours for a mother to change her mind after agreeing to an adoption. When you look at the fact that many PAPs are right there in the delivery room waiting to snatch up the babe 72 hours seems like even less. I remember my own births, the pain and uncertainty that went along with it was enough to make me agree to almost anything. I agreed to be separated from my son, so I could "rest", without even thinking about it. Allowing that was not an informed choice, it was an exhausted woman assuming that others knew what was best. He almost died without me because I trusted others.

There needs to be a long time frame for mothers to seriously think about their choice. Thinking about adoption before you give birth is easy, the baby is merely a concept. Once the baby is born it is harder, that is a PERSON!, a child, your child. Keeping PAPs out of the delivery room, out of the hospital alltogether in my opinion, and allowing mother and child some time to be together ALONE would be best in my eyes. Let women make choices once they have all the facts and one of those facts should be seeing, touching, nursing, smelling and loving their child before they give it away to others. Modern day coercion at it's finest, PAPs in the delivery room makes me queasy.

As for this case, I wish I knew more. Since I don't I have to assume that it is a domestic, newborn adoption and spoke my mind on that topic. Sorry if I am way off.

Answer 6

selfishness. entitlement. desperately wanting a kid...any kid. quite honestly, i think any contested adoption should result in the child being placed in foster care until resolved.

ETA: "PAPs in the delivery room makes me queasy."

i agree 100%!!!!  i delivered 2 weeks ago and i would have kicked out anyone who wasn't holding a medical or nursing license nor was involved in the conception. seriously, it's too emotional and intimate of a scene to have just anybody in there. sorry...i think it's gross.

Answer 7

I really feel for these kids. They will have issues either way now. I still feel the best thing is to give them back to their birth parents. At least the issues in the first few years can be delt with and their will be closure. If they are left to a life with the adoptive parents they will find out their whole story eventually. I believe they will resent their adoptive parents for keeping them away from their BP's. Then they will have a lifetime of pain, distrust of others, and "what if's"  to sort out ALL without the help of any "real" family. They can't go to their adoptive parents for support as they are the reason for the heartache and can't go to the birthparents because they don't know them well enough.

  I hope those adoptive parents can't sleep at night. I hope they are awake thinking about what they have done. I hope they have nightmares every night. I could never enjoy s******g up a childs life.

Answer 8

Its simple.

They do not have a conscience and could care less about whats in the best interest of the child.

Its legal kidnapping, just like people participating in IA adoptions from Guatemala are doing.

Karma will catch up when the children grow up and find out the truth and turn their backs on them.