How can I ask my mom nicely to stop telling me what to do about everything?

Question

I've just had my first child nine months ago. We (my husband, baby and I) live together with my parents. They are great parents and I enjoy their company. My husband goes to work during the day while I stay home with our son. My mom helps out occasionally whenever I may need it, and sometimes a little more just so I can catch a breath of fresh air. I am really grateful for her help, except for one thing. Everyday she is telling me what to do, especially with my son! What to feed him, how to feed him, wean my son off (I breastfeed), do this and do that. I know she loves us and she has nothing but good intentions, but she never lets me do what I want to do the way I want it. Whenever I try to explain she gets mad and thinks I'm going against her. If I don't do what she says she isn't pleased and gets upset and starts telling me off. I'm frustrated because I feel she does not respect my decisions and she feels that there is only one method to do things and it's hers! I've asked her to please respect my decisions and let me as an adult decide for myself. Somehow she just isn't getting it. I'd like to continue nursing my son to sleep but she thinks I shouldn't. I want to do something now but she wants me to do something else first. I love my mother but I feel overwhelmed by all her demands. At first I would try to tell her my way but we always end up arguing. Now I try to do what she wants, but not always right away, yet she still is not happy. I feel its getting worse. She is angry with anything I am not doing the way she wants me to. I want to ask her to back off, but I want to do it nicely so that she actually understands I don't mean anything bad and I do appreciate her help. I've considered moving out but have decided against it.

I come from a culture background where it is normal to have three generations living together. My parents immigrated to this island in the south pacific (where we are living now) and will be moving back to their home country in five years or sooner. I know i will definitely miss them a lot and want to spent as much time with them now. So I don't want to move out.

Does anyone have a mother who won't stop telling you what to do, although its all good intentions, but she is driving you mad? Is there anything I can do to make her stop? Please don't say its impossible!

Answer 1

Mothers always like to think that because we raised our own kids and they turned out great (just look at  how great you turned out) that we know best. Your daughter is your Mom's grandchild and that makes your baby as precious to her as she is to you. She does want the best for her and I believe you realize that and that is why its so hard for you to put her in her place.

You need to tell her "You are the grandmother and I know you love her but I am her mother and I need to raise her the way I feel is best." You can point out to her that she is free to give advice because you do respect her judgment but in the end the decisions are yours and your husband's, no one else's. Point out that she raised her kids and didn't want anyone telling her how to do it and its your turn now and you don't want her telling you how to do it.

You may need to consider moving out if she doesn't back off. You could tell her you will have to if she continues to want to be the one raising your child and treating you as the nanny who has to do as she says.

As a grandmother myself I want to ask you to please give her some slack because it is very hard to stay quiet, especially when we feel something is important and everything is important to Grandma.

P.S. I know this works because my daughter had to do it with me. I also know how hard it is going to be for your mom to keep her mouth shut. Just remember, there are times when she will be right. I think you will recognize them when they come up.

Answer 2

sit and talk to her nicely alone in a quiet environment

Answer 3

Simply ask her if Grandma acted like this to her. Then walk away without saying anything.

Answer 4

I dont no but you will get noware if you listen to meat loaf dude.

Answer 5

My mom is very similar to yours. Try dong exactly this:

1. Sit her down in a calm environment with no distractions

2. say this:

Mom, I know that when you give me advise on how to care for my family, you do it because you love us. I really appreciate everything you say, and it does impact what I do. Even though I really appreciate your help, I really feel that it is necessary for me to make some decisions for my self regarding my child. I know that you have a lot more experience in the area of rising children than I, but I feel like I need to figure it out for my self in order to be a successful parent in the future.

Ask her not to interrupt you during your monologue, and let her tell you what she thinks. If she starts to yell at you, ask her nicely to calm down, and NEVER raise your own voice.

I am sure that if you calmly talk to her, and listen to what she has to say, she will make an effort to be less controlling. You probably won't see a change instantly, but if she really wants to be less controlling, it WILL get better.

Hope this helped. :)

Answer 6

Respect her home and her wishes. Become the boss  when you move out.

Answer 7

just sit down with her on the porch or something and say that you have a family now, and that you are trying to take care of them right. And that it's sorta kinda stressing you out how she keeps on telling you what to do. And even though she's your mom and you love her a lot, you want to try to do this your own way so when they move away, you'll be able to do this on ur own. she's good to give you tips or opinions, but now that you are growing up and have your own family you and ur hubby needs to make their own decisions for their own family.

say all of that in a normal voice a don't let her talk till your done.

hope this helps!

Answer 8

LOL

As long as you live with "mommy and daddy" they WILL tell you how to run your life.

Time for you and hubby t either be their kids and do as they say,or leavethe nest and raise your own family hon.

Answer 9

Just tell her you are responsible enough for yourself.then tell her that you would be able to do better is she werent fussing at you so much

Answer 10

You have a domineering Mother ! The only way you can solve the

problem is move away and live with only your son and husband.

In your Mother's eyes you are still a child and she does not respect you as an equal adult. She will never see your way of things so talking to her will do no good except harbor bad feelings. I am sorry that the generations sometimes do not work out.  Please discuss this with your husband and move away for peace!!!

Answer 11

You're always going to be her little girl, and Mama knows best.  I had an aunt who treated me the same way to her dying day, and she lived to be 99+.  She's having a difficult time accepting your status as an adult and probably reliving her early motherhood through you.  Now you know that much.  How did you come to get married?  Did she accept the proposal?  Some of your decisions have obviously met with her approval, so remind her of that.  Gather supportive expert literature for your decisions--I know there is some out there supporting breastfeeding up to two or three years--it's better for the baby's digestive development, etc.  That way when you do something she doesn't feel is right, you can show her what the experts say, then tell her that you love your baby as much as she loves you, and you never want to let him go either.  It's subtle, but nonconfrontational.  I'll bet she's dreading going home to an empty "nest," and wants to still feel needed.  Perhaps you can ask her for advice on things you don't care as much about, and offer her some on things you know a lot about.  Tell her it's the result of a lot of new research which she didn't have the advantage of learning, but you learned it because you knew how important it would be to her.  Of course, these are several tactics designed to allow her to change her mind gracefully.  Never forget to tell her you love her and you'll always come to her when you're uncertain because she gives good advice.