How can I be a better parent?

Question

My daughter is 16. She is the mother of a baby girl. I quit my job so I could take care of her child while my daughter goes back to school.

After she had her child and gone back to school, she's been skipping school, getting into drugs and alcohol and she's even stolen cigarettes from stores, gas stations, etc.

She and I have a very close relationship. But the problem is [and I'm not afraid to admit it!!] I'm really wimpy. I love my daughter so much. But I know she's ruining her life.

How can I get her to realize this?

Answer 1

compassion and be firm. that is love. dont back down confront her.

Answer 2

Maybe not an answer, Mom and Dad had court award them custody of my sister's baby cause sis wasn't being a mom. Eventually sis got a job.

Answer 3

She's not ruining her life...you are. As the mother you failed to be her parent and instead chose to be her friend. Now you will raise her child...let's hope you learn from your past mistakes this time around so you don't end up raising your great grandchild as well.

My parents did the same to my half sister. They spoiled her, gave her no rules, no responsabilities and she ended up a young single mother and they are raising her child whil she lives her own life constantly taking money from them and sadly they didn't learn a thing because now they spoil that child as well.

Answer 4

This is going to sound harsh, but the first mistake was being her 'friend', not her mother, secondly you quit you job to take care of 'her' baby. WOW

Parent first, friend second. She knows you're 'wimpy', and she's taking advantage of that because she knows you won't do anything about it.

Before you 'fix' her problems you have to fix YOURS

Answer 5

Lady, you should have started 16 years ago with the discipline and learning to respect you and herself.

There's always a chance, but you have to change and stick to it.  The way you say you're wimpy (and I admire your honesty, by the way.  That's not the most colorful thing to admit), your daughter knows this and will take FULL ADVANTAGE of you every second she can.

The only way she'll change is if you change.  Get a backbone.  And a stiff upper lip with her, if you can.

Other than that, good luck.  I don't know what else to tell you.

Answer 6

I feel so sorry for you because i know what it is to love a child so much that you do almost everything to keep the peace. I hate to tell you ,but what you are doing is called enabling. which basically means you are the one who is making this life possible for her. I know you are scared to say no because of whatever reason you have. but please try to understand your daughter made choices that have altered her life ,but with you coming to the rescue every time things get rough you really are telling her go ahead s***w up honey mommy will pick up the pieces. I have done this same thing also. please get your daughter to own up to her own responsibility's . tell her that it is my responsibility to make sure you graduate from high school and i will help with the baby while you are doing that ,but after that this baby is yours! I know it will be hard but trust me your daughter will have to mature and you will be surprised and hopefully proud when you see her step up to the plate. constantly tell her what a wonderful mother she is and how lucky her daughter is ti have her.Good luck  

Answer 7

"But I know she's ruining her life." No you did. You should of beat that girls *** when she was young and needed it. Now that she is older and have a kid, a kid that will have a bad life probably, is to late for her. FIX THE KID NOW!!!!

Answer 8

you cant be a wimp (in your words) ... your a mother ...

Shes your daughter and your responsibility ... but i don't agree with people that you ruined your daughters life ... you can only guide her you cant live her life for her ... she makes her own choices in life!

its time you start laying down the rules ... get tough and you'd better hurry before she walks all over you again and again ...  

Answer 9

here's something simple from a 16 yr old also "stop being her friend and be her parent" just because she has a child doesnt mean she is an adult she's still a minor so step up and be a parent

Answer 10

Ok there are 3 types of parenting Permissive(definitley sounds like you), Authoritarian, and Authoratative(recommended by most psychologist and parenting experts. It sounds like the relationship you share with your daughter is loving but not healthy. She is immature as are all teenagers and you must absoulotley set boundries, explain rules, and make occasional exceptions to the rules and allow little freedom if she shows responsible behavior. If I were you I would look into family counseling of some sort most communites offer some sort of free therapy especially for youth. I could get more in depth but it would be pages of writing. I promise that if you put effort into restoring your relationship it can be done.

Answer 11

You can not be your daughter's friend; you have to be her mother. Time for some tough love. Tell her you love her so much but you have made a great sacrifice in quitting your job to care for HER child and she needs to step up to the plate and take charge of her future. You may have to physically take her inside the school. I have had parents come to my classes to make sure their child attends. Kids don't realize sometimes how their actions now can affect the rest pf their lives. Tell her if she doesn't want to attend school, you will go with her. If she still skips tell her you are going back to work and that she is responsible for finding care for the baby. Right now, you are destroying your life while she is destroying hers. Good luck to you, you are trying very hard to do the right thing.

Answer 12

Set firm rules and behaviors.  Saying "no" to your kids doesn't make you a BAD parent, it makes you a GOOD parent!  Say no, set the rules and stick with them.  Giver her responsibilities as well as consequences if she doesn't fulfill those responsibilities.  That's life.  She was old enough to have s*x and get pregnant, she has to be old enough to handle the consequences.  Make her realize that you being willing not only to help but to take over is a real blessing that most moms don't get.

Answer 13

She is SIXTEEN years old!  She needs you to tell step up and be a mother.  YOU are her example.  YOU are the one she looks to for guidance and rules.  She needs to know there are rules and limits.  ENFORCE them!  If you see her ruining her life and you do nothing, it's the same as you handing her the drugs and alcohol and telling her it's ok to steal.  You're her mother.  It's YOUR job to save her from herself.

Answer 14

This is a tough situation, I would not say that you are a bad parent, made mistakes, yes but we all make mistakes.  The first thing you need to do is stop catering to her.  You should not quit your job to take care of the child, she made the choice to have unprotected s*x and she needs to own up to her responsibility.  She needs to find a job and find a way to get her education, you do not need to make life a piece of cake for her.  Since you have a close relationship with her tell her that its time for her to step up to the plate.  Time for her to take responsibility of her child.  She is definately not going to like hearing this but she needs to.  Expect her to get really mad and throw some pretty nasty words at you, but remember that you are doing it because you love her.  If you keep catering to her she will never grow up, her drug and alcohol problem will only get worse, and this poor baby......  Right now the problem can be reversed, but if you wait too long it will be too late.  So push aside your wimpiness and force your daughter to become responsible.  If you love her as much as you say you do, you will do your job as a parent and not worry so much about being her friend.

Answer 15

By you not being wimpy.  You are taking over her job (raising her child), and allowing her to do what she wants.  She does not have respect for you because you are "friends".  As much as she would not admit it, she does not want you as a friend, she has plenty.  She needs an authority figure and you are not it at this point.

Draw some harsh lines with her and don't "be wimpy"!  That is what you need to do on your part, and she can't understand your boundaries if they are not consistenly there, and therefore she cannot respect them or you.

If you are going to care for her daughter, she needs to be attending school every day.  She is still a minor living in your house, she has to follow your rules.  If she cannot follow that basic expectation, then you have no reason to support her destruction.  Tell her that if her behaviors continue, you will seek full custody of her daughter and that she will be asked to leave your house.  Then stick to it.

Set short-term goals as well.  Expect her to find at least an after school job.  Then expect that each week she attends all of her classes, and if she does, she can earn a privelege, like a movie night with friends.  

The reality is, your daughter, for whatever reason, made adult decisions before her brain was developed to handle them.  But that is not an excuse.  Beef up your own confidence in your ability to parent - not be friends!  She won't like you but what do you want more - her to be BFFE with you, or to be a responsible mother to her child?

Answer 16

Tell her you made mistakes with her and admit them to her.  Let her know that you want her to make much more of herself and you want her to be someone her daughter is proud to call mom.  Tell her that if she does not straighten up then you will take custody of her daughter and put her in rehab so that she can get her life together.  Yes you should have started this sooner, but you are wanting to start now.  Better late than never but it's time for some tough love!

And *you* didn't ruin her life.  She had a part in that herself.  A 16 year old young woman is old enough to make the right decisions regarding under-aged s*x, drugs, alcohol and theft.  She knows these things are wrong but she made the choice to do those things.  Even with the best parents children can still make these mistakes and I've seen it happen.  Be there for her now and let her learn some of these lessons on her own.  She needed a parent, not just a friend.  Keep the close relationship close and use that to help her mature into the young woman she is capable of being.  Keep on loving her.  Be a teacher and a guide.