How can I be a good mother-in-law (and new grandma) without putting in my opinion too much?

Question

My 20 year old son got married in March & they had a baby boy in July. He's adorable by the way. I want advice on how to be a good mother-in-law AND mother to my son & his wife. I want to give advice, but not be that "know it all" woman like my ex mother-in-law was. I see them doing things that are not quite "right" with the baby, but nothing that causes him any danger/harm? Help! When do I jump in OR do I? Should I keep my mouth shut unless they ask?

Answer 1

You probably shouldn't step in and say anything unless theyre causing harm, mabye you can get your son aside, and just caually bring up some of the stuff theyre doing, and make comments like "well thats a little odd, or off" but don't flat out tell them theyre doing something wrong.

Answer 2

I say make them a weeks worth of food or even help with light cleaning. Then if you see them struggling let them figure it out. You learned some how and so will they. my mother-in law made a huge pot of mac- and cheese after my twins were born. it feed the kids for 3 days! it was so helpful. When i came home from the hospital. the house was perfect those little things count. even telling them they are doing great helps alot

Answer 3

Just keep their mouth shut.  They will learn how to do things "right" but if they aren't harming the baby they are doing everything right.  Just not the way you are used too.  Different isn't always wrong.  Just enjoy your grandson and give advice when they ask.  Congrats!

Answer 4

WOW I have been waiting for this question, I always say that I am going to be a grandmother/mother in law. because mine hasnt been that great.

I think you should talk to you son and offer son simple tips. If they ever seem frustrated offer to babysit with the baby to give them a break and then offer the mom some simple tips to help her. Not judging or mean, then you shouldnt be perceived as butting in.

You should also point out when you think she's doing a good job, because then she will see you are being a friend. it will bring your relationship to the next level.

Answer 5

Don't give advice unless it's solicited!  I know it's hard.  I'm personally a huge know it all. I'm not always right, but I *have* to say something.  I pray I control this before my son marries and I'm forever disowned.  A former mother in law of mine was just like me....I ended up divorcing largely because of her.

If you see them doing something that is driving you nuts...casually mention it to your son.  Nothing to the daughter in law though....let him pass on the tidbit to  her.

Answer 6

The best thing for you to do is to love your grandchild to death, and then bite your tongue each and every time that you want to give them advice.  You brought your children up your way and made your own mistakes.  Let them make their mistakes.  Stay out of their way.   Help them all you can in a "passive" way, like babysitting for them.  If you become too overbearing they will resent you.  Do yourself a big, big favor and just love the kid and let those two people raise their child the way THEY want to.  You don't ever jump in unless you're asked to jump in.  They will love you much more for it, and when you do get a chance to speak your mind, they will listen to you.  

Answer 7

Keep your mouth shut! If the baby is not in danger - it is NOT worth starting a war for the small stuff. Why don't you compliment them on what a great job they are doing "That is a neat trick, I never thought of that" or "You seem to know just what the baby wants when he wants it". Start to make them feel that you are a source of comfort and support not of disapproval. When they feel more confident in their parenting and sure that you don't EVER "suggest" other methods - they will voluntarily turn to you, you'll find you'll get a lit of "Hey, what did you do when this happened" questions.

Answer 8

support!

Go out for coffee or something with the mom, and be like i have been there.. do you have any questions?  I would LOVE to help in any way I can.

Dont force the advice, offer.

If the not quite right things are imediatly dangerious to the babys health say something, otherwise dont! they nned to learn their own parenting style on their own.

Answer 9

I guess it would all depend on what they are doing that you consider to be "not right."  Bear in mind that a lot of the advice that pediatricians now give about infant care has changed since your son was a baby, and what you were told to do for him might not be what the current recommendations are.

Unless it is something potentially harmful, I would say nothing--it's not worht ticking off your son and his wife over some minor point.  If there is something you think they could be doing better, then try to show them that by your own actions, but don't say "THIS is how you should do it."  Just let them see another way when you are doing it, and they can decide if they want to try that approach for themselves.

Answer 10

Based on your question, you already ARE a great grandma.

I think I would let them know...you want to be a resource for them...

you are willing to answer any and all questions.

You might ask how they are...and occasionally give advice/hints ...as an option. But mainly where you think you have a great time saver,  or something.  Otherwise, best to let them find their way.

Just let them know you are there for them, and let them make the call.

One think you might do, is give them some time out..to themselves..I'm sure That would be appreciated.

I'm sure the cute adorable one will survive.

Answer 11

I think Coachpis...  Nailed it!!!!

Answer 12

Unless they are putting the child in danger I would stay quiet. If they ask you for advice then you can give it. Offer to babysit and be supportive.of the things they are doing right.

Answer 13

Dont give advice unless asked but do support them and let them know ur there if they need u. They are only young and as 1st timers its gonna be a little strange bringing uo a baby but everybody has to learn themselves and if theres no harm or danger to child then i wouldnt jump in unless thers a danger. Theres nothing worse than an intereferring mil. I bet u didnt do everything perfect when u had ur 1st kids but u learnt in ur own time. Just think how u would like things if u were them. Ul be more appreciated that way. If u interfere theyl try avoid u and u dont want that Good luck

Answer 14

Unless you are being mouthy and know-it-all-ish with your advice I think gently suggesting one thing or another is not bad.  It's how we all learn, somehow this generation of mothers just don't want to listen to advice for some reason.  

Just state your piece and drop it, let mom and dad decide if they want more info on what you have to say.  And never say "if it were me" or "I would do...". But generally if they are causing the baby no harm then chances are they aren't doing anything wrong, they just aren't doing it the way you would.  There is a difference.

Answer 15

Don't give advice unless it is asked for.  Be there to help and be a support, but unless something they are doing is dangerous, let them work it out on their own.  If you open yourself up and listen well then they will most likely be running to you first for advice, but if you butt in and start correcting them the will definitly become resentful.  Plus they need to learn how to be parents, and the best way to learn is by doing.  We all make mistakes, and that is how we grow.  Congrats !!

Answer 16

Just openly let them know that you are there for them and would love to give them a hand and any advice.  Make sure they know how much you want to be an involved grandma.  

Other than that, you have to let them learn to be parents on their own.  

Answer 17

DO NOT GIVE ADVICE unless you are asked to give it.