How can I clean this up?

Question

Crimson petals

loosened

by silence from the stem..

Ah..one by one they fall..

Soon, quite soon I'll lose them all...

Into the depths of puddles on this dreary day..

These dear sweet petals float away...

As I forget-

everything I failed to say.

And as they leave..

They do decieve..

And deny that stem which held them..

Gray are the tears

that fall and break the bonds

For no one here responds..

To the cold pale hands that hold so tight

Their last broken rose..

On this dreary moonlit night..

I can fix the spelling later..

I'm more worried about the overall poem/rhyme scheme..

I would very much appreciate some helpful tips ^^

Answer 1

Crimson petals fill the sky.

Loosened by the pain.

Silence in the rain

In one they fall and fall as one.

Quite soon there job is done

Into the depths of troubled souls.

In puddles,dreary time.

In dearest sweet,

Forgotten,not when.

I failed to hold the sky.

And with there leave

some may deceive

Denial,stem and wine.

Gray with tears in black and years.

The fall that breaks the bonds

In time,with shine

Responds within.

The cold pale hands,not mine.

In last and broken tears.

Without the blackened roses dear

A moonlit night

Answer 2

DONT CHANGE A THING!!! It is perfect.  If I could write like that, WOW.  That is so romantic and mysterious.  All poems dont have to rhyme, that is not what poetry is about.  I love it.

Answer 3

It's nice.

Answer 4

I really liked it! Don't do much, but hey, you're the one who should decide. What do I know? I'm a newbie. ^_^

Read my poem?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?...

Answer 5

Overall, it's wonderful, and good enough that I wanted to read it several times, and enjoyed reading it each time--so I decided to disregard your postscript by nitpicking. So feel quite free to disregard everything that I write.

There are a couple of very minor changes that I would make if this was my poem, but they are simply matters of preference.

I'm a assuming that "Crimson petals" is the first line and not the title. If it is, at the end of the first stanza, I would delete the word "all" because it still rhymes with "stem," but, to me, it would seem to have a more natural flavor without the word "all." [However, if "Crimson petals" is the title and "loosened" is the first line, I would leave the stanza as it is]

And in the third stanza I would delete the word "and," and then make the second line of the stanza have five syllables (once again because, to me, this would seem like slightly more natural meter).

One final minor thing, you have a "dreary day" and a "dreary moonlit night." With so many adjectives that would work in either of these places, I don't know if you want to use "dreary" twice... maybe "weary moonlit night"

But, as I said, these are just matters of preference, and it's certainly your poem, and you are obviously a very good poet, because, even though this looks like a draft, it reads like a beautifully polished poem.