How can I console my grieving Dad?

Question

My uncle is dying with pancreatic cancer. He and my Dad have always been close in heart, but my uncle lives several hours away. This is really hurting Dad. Right now he is coping with this by working ALL THE TIME. That is not healthy either.

He's a quiet person, not the type who would let you know what he's thinking. I just know. He won't talk about it, and I don't want to pressure him.

This weekend we are going to see my uncle -- likely for the last time.

Dad is in his mid-50's. This is the first sibling he will lose. How can I support him through this without making him talk about it?

Answer 1

That sounds hard. First of all, my prayers goes to you and especially your uncle.

Well, men always have this conception that being emotional is "unmanly" and I do understand why your dad is being hard on himself. He's probably used to putting up his defenses that even in these types of situations, he can't muster to even talk about it. He's using his work as an outlet. Just try to understand that this is his way of coping because he's not transparent emotionally.Men handle emotions differently.

Subtle and simple gestures like making him a nice cup of coffee, breakfast or even making a nice dish might work. What does he like doing in his sparetime? If he likes sports (football,baseball, basketball etc) and doesn't have the time to watch it, record those games for him and/or watch it with him. Men tends to to show their softer side when watching sports. It is as emotional as Days of our lives to women as sports to men. Should this fail to make him relax or chill a little bit then prayers and miracleis are your last resort.

But of course, trying to communicate how you feel about him being unresponsive or unexpressive about his feelings might also work. This way, it would give him the impression that you care about him...that you'll stand beside him and weep with him. Tell him that you understand his silence and respect it but don't forget to tell him that it worries you. Make sure to make him hang on every word that you will say.    

Answer 2

This is such a sad story.  I feel for your dad who is like my husband who is quiet and differently would not talk about it.  I'm so glad he has you and I know you just being there is a comfort zone for you dad.  

My brother was 40 when he died of stomach cancer.  We all kept hoping and hoping that he would recover. One day, he asked permission to leave and we gave our permission, and he passed that very minute.

You may want to take you dad out to breakfast.  And tell him how you understand his pain.