How can I convince my future husband to adopt?

Question

My mother adopted my sisters and did foster care while I was growing up. I want to adopt children instead of having them, I think it is the right thing to do! From children suffering to overpopulation ruining our world- I think everyone should if they can, This means a lot to me. My fiance is very set on having his own children (his genes, so stupid, etc) I am not sure how to convince him...

Answer 1

You don't have s*x with him. Instead you have it with the adopted son. Incest is normal cuz we all are products of incest.

Answer 2

I think if you give him one bio child he will be more willing to accept the idea of adopted children. He does have a right to want one of his own children that he had part in creating. But, the rest can be adopted so he has the experiance of both. I think what you want is amazing and you are so right about the need.

Answer 3

I am in this exact same situation right now! I have *always* wanted to adopt my whole life and have never had the slightest desire to be pregnant. My bf wants only biological children. I've told him all the reasons why I want to adopt, given him stats, etc. Turns out his three cousins are adopted and their FAS was hidden from his aunt and uncle - now two of them have *severe* issues such as drug use and schitzophrenia. I showed him many cases where an adoption can result in a totally normal, healthy baby. I agree with you on every single reason for adoption - too many children without homes, etc. I feel that if I have a bio baby, that's one more child with no family.

After a while, we discussed it more in depth and came to the agreement that for each adopted baby, we would have a biological baby. This wasn't exactly my perfect solution but at least it's a solution and we both get what we want. We plan on having 3-4 kids. He also said that in turn for me being pregnant, I would get to pick the baby names! (I didn't ask for that!) Which is very cool for me, because I'm slightly obsessed with baby names.  ;o)

So, I say just try not to pester him. He'll get annoyed and it will only push him away. But decide now before you get married what you want to do. This was a *huge* issue for me and when my bf finally realized that I wouldn't stay with him over it, that's when he came my way. (But don't use it as an ultimatum or anything.)

Oh, and don't forget to ask what happens if you CAN'T get pregnant? Will he be willing to adopt then? I have doubts that I will even be able to get pregnant because of health issues, and I outright told him I will not do any IVF or other fertility treatments and laid out the reasons for him. This also made him think about things a bit more.

Answer 4

Well, having his own children means a lot to him as well. Maybe you can do both? If you think it is "so stupid", that doesn't reflect well for your opinion of him. That is, after all, part of who he is.

I think this is why they say sometimes love just isn't enough. This is an IMPORTANT topic, and before you get married, you should really have it worked out.

You can't do much more than I am guessing you are already doing. He knows its what you want, he knows why you want it, he knows the benefits of it. If he's still not convinced, there is not much more you can do.

Suggest a compromise, and hope it works. You have to give a little, to get a little. Adopt a child and have a child.

Answer 5

You may want to rethink your relationship with him.  You can't force him to want to adopt.  If you can compromise...you have one and adopt the rest, etc. that may work.  BUT, again, you can't force the guy.

Answer 6

just wanting to adopt instead of having your husbands kids is very selfish on YOUR part,adoption along with a few of his would be appropriate.he is the one who should do the re considering

Answer 7

This could become a huge point of contention in your relationship.  

He could grow to resent you for adopting a child if he "gives in", or you could grow to resent him for bearing his child if you "give in".  Plus the child would suffer because one of their parents wouldn't really want them.  

If you can't agree on how to acquire a child it might be better to not have one at this time.  Perhaps re-visit the issue in a year and see where you both stand.   Perhaps over the years you could do both?  

I personally agree with your stance.  I agree that over-population, reduction of natural resources, and the abundance of unwanted children is reason enough to adopt rather than produce another life.   Its very tempting to take the self centered approach of "furthering your genes" when EVERYONE on the planet is at stake for survival.   If you truly want a child you can love them whether they come from your womb or not.

Good luck!

Answer 8

why not do both it is very important to a man to pass on his names etc it is in there nature. we fight it allot but we still have the animal instincts. why not have a child and then adopt or the other way around. that way both of you will feel satisfied that you did what was right. you may want to tell him that you will only give birth to one child because you feel that there are so many children out there who need you. just make sure that it is just an issue of wanting a biological child to pass on his genes and not that he will love that child more. its stuff like this that makes me think there should be a questioner on the first date lol

Answer 9

I agree with most of the answers you have so far. Above all else, do not marry the guy if your goals are so different. If you do, and give in to him, you'll feel resentment about what the pregnancy does to your body. If you marry him and try to change his mind, then you run the risk of him looking outside the marriage to have his 'own' kids.

Answer 10

Uh, do not do any children a favor by "convincing" him.

Maybe rethink your life plans if they collide directly with your intended's!

This is a HUGE matter.  No one should ever be convinced, tricked or pursuaded to be a parent by any means.  And, no one should "give in" to another's demands or requests to do so.  It spells disaster for the child.  

This is a CHILD we are talking about!  EVERY child should be a wanted, cherished child!  That is the very least we as a parent can do.  If we cannot do that, we should not be a parent.

Your "future husband" wants to see a reflection of himself running around and you do not?  NO DEAL!

Answer 11

I personally think adoption is a brilliant thing,perhaps the best solution is to comprise on the situation.Maybe ye could have a child of your own and adopt one as well

Answer 12

This is a huge life decision and if your soon-to-be hubby is absolutely against the idea, I would consider that a deal breaker. You are unlikely to change your desire to adopt, and he is highly unlikely to change his. This issue needs to be resolved before saying your "I do's."

Answer 13

Have you started trying yet? It could be that you can't have kids at all so maybe adoption is the better of the two choices... If you're still set on marrying this fellow and he's not willing to budge it sounds like you're going to have to at least try and have one of your own. From there maybe you husband would be willing to adopt? My husband is the same way- he wants one of his own but we're having some trouble with that (I knew we might) and he's now very open to the idea of adopting.  Raising a child together is more important to my husband than passing on our DNA. Sit down and talk about it with your fiance- compromise is key in any marriage.

Congratulations on your engagement and best wishes to you as you begin this adventure!

Answer 14

How about a compromise? have one child together and adopt the rest. Unfortunately the only way to keep everyone happy in a marrige is to compromise, not force someone to accept things when they don't want to.

Answer 15

Deal breaker. I wouldn't have married someone who wasn't as excited about adoption as I am. We''ve never used birth control either, so we also keep that avenue open.

Answer 16

You should tell him how important adopting is to you, but make sure he knows that you know how he feels, so suggest having a child and adopting a child. Also make sure that you tell him he will still love the children the same even if they are adopted, and tell him how you could change the life of a child living in poverty, etc.

Answer 17

This is probably something that needs worked out before you get married.  I am not sure you can convince him if he truly wants his own biological children.  I would think there has to be a compromise in there somewhere.  How about have one child and adopt too!

Answer 18

Give him alot of good reasons and negotiate. Maybe you two can have 1 kid and adopt the rest. I know how you feel. I was adopted at birth and I also want to adopt my kids. I don't like the thought of these poor kids being orphans, put in foster care, or put in an abusive situation. There are many different ways to talk him into it. Maybe he wants his own kids because he wants to feel like they are "his kids". No matter what you do you are going to have a wonderful life and wonderful kids. Hope this helps!! Good luck!!

Answer 19

Do not get married until you work out this issue.  It's potentially a marriage killer, and it's better you know how firmly both sides are entrenched in their positions NOW, rather than after you have married and invested time, money, and emotional energy in each other.

I agree with the earlier poster who said that if one of you thinks the other's view on making a family is "stupid," then there is a serious problem here that needs closer scrutiny.  People have widely divergent views on making a family through adoption vs. conception, and all of those views, whether you agree with them or not, are entitled to respect.  While your points about overpopulation, etc. are logically valid, it's a very normal thing for any adult, male or female, to want to conceive children (just look around).  There need not be logic behind it -- it's just part of how mammals are hardwired.  Calling one's partner's views on such an important issue "stupid" is the epitome of disrespectful.  If you guys can't work this issue out in a mature, respectful way, I'm hard pressed to see how you're going to be able to deal with every other twist and turn that marriage will inevitably throw your way.  You guys sound like really good candidates for pre-marriage counseling with a professional.  Good luck to you both.

Answer 20

I don't know, but if he is set against adoption, and you are definately going to adopt, you may want to re-think your descision to marry him.

Could you have one and adopt one later?

Answer 21

i don't think you should convince him. I don't think wither of you will end up ahppy if you "convince" him. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here; it's just how each of you feels about the situation. Certaily your fiance's viewpoint is much more common and most people do have biological children because they want biological children. It is certainly exemplary of you to see that the world already has way too many chilren and needs to make parents out of potential adults who would be willing to be such for these already existing children. However, I don't think this is the kind of thng you can tell somebody to do or think or believe in. Depending on how strongly you feel about this issue -- I might consider not marrying this guy because this is a major difference in not only your life's plans but, also your values, it seems to me.

Answer 22

If you love your husband, don't push him on this. Try a compromise......................have  one of your own, and then adopt one.  It may work. Good luck!!