How can I convince my husband?

Question

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 5 years now. After 2 miscarriages and month after month of disappointment, I am seriously considering adoption. I have done some research and am actually quite excited at the prospect of adopting. The problem is, my husband is not at all interested. Everytime I bring it up he just says, "I don't think I could adopt". He doesn't want to talk about it and keeps saying he wants us to keep trying to conceive for another year. I am 37. I don't want to give up on TTC but I would like to start the process of adoption knowing it could take up to 2 years.

Any advice on how I could get my husband to be more open to this? I have given him info on common myths about adoption, but that didn't seem to help. I think he is just really set on having OUR baby, which would be great, but I can't imagine life without having a child at all and I feel if we don't start looking into adoption, that could be the case.

Answer 1

You cannot force your husband into adoption. Most people want kids because they are biologically theirs. If thats why your husband wants his own that is understandable. If he wants his child and not someone elses that is understandable.

Whether you agree with his decision or not you need to respect it and forget adoption. I do believe both potential parents have to agree to adopt.

Answer 2

Adoption DOES NOT cure infertility.  

It's wrong to convince a spouse to adopt, those type of marriages typically break up after you are raising a stranger's child.

Turn your attention to accepting a childfree life

Answer 3

I am a adoptive father.  We have adopted two little boys through the foster care system.

When we first started the process, I was not sure I wanted to adopt.  Partially because I wasn't sure I wanted to be a father to a young child again (we had our own children 15 years ago) and partially because I wasn't certain I could 'get over' the child not being my 'true' child.  I can understand your husband's feelings.

However, because I love my wife and she wanted to adopt, I agreed to go through the process of becoming foster parents (foster-to-adopt).  I always reserved the right to opt out if I did not feel I wanted to continue.  Over the course of time, I saw that these kids were in real need and became more convinced that the 'right' thing to do was to adopt.  Eventually, we fostered two little boys and became very attached to them.  When they were placed for adoption we jumped at the chance.  

My suggestion... suggest to him that you becoming foster parents.  You can still continue to try to become pregnant and don't have to make any permanent decisions.  Doing this, you and he will have an opportunity learn about adoption and perhaps meet several kids in need.  Eventually, he *may* come to feel that he can feel for one or more of these kids like a parent.  Don't force this on him, don't force him to adopt if he is still uncomfortable, accept that this is something you must do as a couple.  However, this will allow you both to 'test the waters' of of having a child in your home, while also doing some good.   (Note, this will also cost you nothing, unlike starting the process of a private adoption.)

Answer 4

You have to continue to talk to your husband about this. Have you all considered hiring a surrogate that would carry the baby? This could be a possibility. Your husband would have to want an adopted child and be able to love it like a natural baby, otherwise it is not fair to the kid. You might have to make a tough decision if having children is that important to you and you’re not able to have a biological child, and husband refuses to adopt. Then you either accept life being childless or you divorcee and find a man who is willing to adopt or you can just adopt as a single person.  

I think its normal for most people to feel that they might not be able to love a baby/child that is not genetically theirs. But in most cases once that little baby is in their arms, their hearts will melt and they will realize that loving someone has nothing to do with being blood related to that person. After all your husband loves you yet your not biological related to him.

Answer 5

HI, first of all I am praying your dream comes true very soon and you will be blessed with a child....your husbands comment of "I don't think I could adopt" is what is worrisome, It seems to me that he just does not want to go that way, and as you state the older you get the harder it is for domestic adoption, overseas may be much easier mind you.  He may need to sit down and discuss his feelings in a quiet, non threatening environment if possible.(eg, go away for the weekend together).....it may be that he is unable to tell you his true feelings about adoption without hurting  your feelings, but ultimately you both have to decide what to do and do it soon,  good luck to you both,

Answer 6

Trying to 'Bring your husband around' is the worst thing you could do... If you keep on at him, and he loves you, he WILL give in - And then resent you and the child for the rest of your lives...

Some men, myself included, could just never accept an adopted child as their own.

I went through the exact same thing with my wife (but only one miscarriage).. Eventually, I relented on the condition that we check whether there was a medical reason that we couldn't conceive.. It turns out that there wasn't..

And just over a year later our daughter was born... And five years after that, a son...

So, I'd try the medical route and see if IT changes his mind... But don't try to do it yourself...

Answer 7

And once again adoptees are last choice - no wonder some adoptees have poor self esteem when they discover their parents really wanted their own child but they were the consolation prize

A child is not a human band aid for your problems, please don't put that burden on the back of a little one

Answer 8

say we can be like angie abd brad pitt

Answer 9

You have tried for years to have a child of your own.  Why?  Because biology matters.  Right?

So then wouldn't you agree then that biology also matters to the child you would potentially adopt?

Do you think little babies want to be taken away from their mothers at birth?

You said you want to adopt a child that doesn't have parents, so become a foster parent.  Take in a kid who really needs a home, if that is the route you want to go.  

Because that is what adoption is SUPPOSED to be about...finding a home for a child in need, NOT finding a child for needy parents.

And get some counseling or therapy to overcome whatever residual greif you may have over your infertility.  Adopting a child will not make this very real loss go away.

Answer 10

tell him it doesn't matter wheather you give birth or that the child is your own to make u a parent all that matters is love.

Answer 11

Don't.  Convincing someone to adopt is a recipe for disaster

Answer 12

I am not sure convincing him is the best course of action...Talk to him in a non-confrontational way and try to get him to express his concerns over adoption.  When the concerns are out there you two can try to address them one at a time in a non-confrontational way and maybe you can reach an understanding.

as far as these people that say "biology matters you keep trying to get pregnant" and "adopted children are conciliation prizes", you can't please all people...I wish you the best of luck

Answer 13

Adoption is NOT something you talk someone into.

Your husband has no interest in raising other people's children, I don't blame him, i don't either.

Do you really just want him to give into you?  Because that's what it would be.  So adopting a child would be a band-aid on your infertility.  Not exactly a great place for a child, who has lost so much before he comes to you, to grow up.

Go buy, Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Wecshler instead.

Answer 14

Have you seen a doctor about infertiltiy tests for both you and your husband? It is very hard to keep trying with no results.

As far as convincing your husband about adoption--maybe you just need to let him sit on it for a bit. Obviously he wants a family (trying for so long) maybe he never considered adoption. Maybe you could get some info for him and just ask him to think it over for a few months. I hope you get the child you want no matter how they come to you. Good luck.

Answer 15

Some people for personal reasons can't get their heads around adoptions, it is how he feels and you can't change it. my 'rents are thinking of it but i'm not to sure cause i'm the family baby! (i'm 14) so don't push him into anything!

Answer 16

Have you had a doctor determine why you are not able to carry to term and having difficulty conceiving?  If not, check that out first.  Unfortunately, with adoption, if one parent is that negative about it, it may be a bad idea.  If he does agree to adoption just to make you happy and he doesn't bond with the child in any way, the adoption will them be more harm than good for that child.  If he cannot look at a child that is not his biologically and accept it as his own, then you may be looking at deciding between being married or having children.

Answer 17

I am adopted, and my adopted mother was 38 years old.  It is the greatest blessing that has ever happened to me.  I am so fortunate to have been adopted and I thank god everyday.  He is probably worried that the child won't be like you guys and you won't get along.  DO NOT WORRY.  Yes personality is genetic some what... but I would say mostly environmental.  And you don't have to adopt from say... Cambodia!  There are plenty of unborn children that need your love.  Develop a relationship with the biological parents and that should help also.

Answer 18

Your husband is just working on faith that one day you are going to have your own, it is never too late for you to have your baby and the Lord is going to do it for you.  Put your mind at rest and have it at the back of your mind that you don't need any adoption and you are going to have yours, just believe Him, He's the provider of all things.  

You are getting pregnant but miscarriage is the only problem now, I will suggest that when next you are pregnant again seek for medical attention immediately. I had my first baby at the age of 40 years and 8 months and I never taught of any adoption knowing fully well that the Lord is going to do mine and he did it eventually and my baby is now 10 months and here I am rejoicing.  Do not think of adoption unless you have been advised by Doctor that you won't be able to get pregnant again, otherwise put your mind at rest, relax, be positive and have trust in God and He is going to do it. PUT YOUR FAITH AT WORK.

Good luck.

Answer 19

I agree with you, although there is no easy way to help your husband come to the decision of adoption.  There is a natural desire to having children, I have had 4 miscarriages and no one could tell my why, they just told me not to plan on having a baby.  We came to the decision to adopt and that is no easy task!  After 3 1/2 long years of rollercoster ups and downs we were able to bring our adopted newborn daughter home.  Before the 6 months was up for final termination we were able to bring our adopted newborn son home.  His adoption isn't final yet, but we are close!  

Adoption is a wonderful way of loving a child that needs a family and a home.  I now have found that we have the most perfect family in the world...we do plan on adopting at least one more time.

Answer 20

This isn't the answer you want to hear I know, but you really can't convince someone to adopt a child anymore than you can convince them to marry someone they don't love, conceive a baby they don't want to have, become friends with someone they don't like, etc. Its like when you're young and you really fall for someone hard, but that person doesn't love you back and you wish and wish you could force that person to love you. Deep down inside though, you know it wouldn't be fair to either of you so as much as it hurts, you let go.

I was in the same position as you were, wanting to adopt but my husband not wanting to and I went through many times of wishing I knew the right thing to say to him to make him want the same thing I wanted. But, as someone who was adopted by a woman who really wanted me and loved me very much and a man who only adopted me to make her happy, I knew it was unfair to the child to bring them into our family unless my husband was 100% on board of his own free will. He did come around eventually, about 12 years later, without my prompting.

My advice is to keep with the TTC or put all the baby talk on hold and take a break for awhile and if he comes around on his own later and wants to explore adoption then discuss it again. In the meantime you can research all of the things involved in adoption, all the ethical stuff, agencies, foster care program, adoptee and first parent issues, attachment, grief and trauma, all of those things so at a later date you will  be very well informed.

Answer 21

Suffering such disappointment can be devastating for a woman and often times the husband doesn't even know the scope of the suffering.  Let you husband know how you've been feeling, what it feels like to be upset every time you fail.  Ask him why it is he can't see himself adopting.  Perhaps he doesn't think he would love an adopted child enough or perhaps he's scared of not knowing fully what he's getting into with an adopted child, you often don't know much about their backgrounds.

One option you have is support groups for parents looking into adoption.   Try these sights

http://www.adoptionsupport.org/

http://www.adoptionservices.org/adoption...

The best you can do is let your husband know what you've been through and why you want to adopt a child.  Communication is key in tense situations like this, try not to get overly emotional, tears will only upset your husband and in the worse scenario make him think you're trying to manipulate him.  Just give him all the information that you've collected, the facts, and then go from there.  Perhaps you could even get in touch with someone in one of the groups that lives in your area that could help you breach the topic with your husband, someone who has an insiders knowledge is always helpful.  Good Luck and I hope you have a child sometime soon!

Answer 22

I would suggest two things....

First off a lot of people (not just men) can't imagine the thought of loving a child that's not their biologically. Some can't understand that you don't have to have that blood tie in order to love someone...(even though you don't have that with your spouse)

I would maybe set up a meeting with an adoption counselor. It might help him to have someone he can ask questions and actually KNOW the answers instead of reading pamphlet after pamphlet that says "not typical in all cases" or "every situation is different"...Also...he might be more receptive to the idea once he realizes that successful adoptions happen everyday. PLUS it will help him realize just how long the adoption process can be...maybe he'll be more willing to look into it if he realizes that you might not be a good candidate for placing a child in another 3 or 4 years or longer when he may get around to looking into it. (not that it would happen....but the older you get the chances that something medical could come up that wouldn't make you a viable option)

Also...look into surrogacy....it might help that at least part of the child is biologically your husband's...and you can use a donor egg as well. (or maybe even get one of your own eggs implanted).

Also...schedule an informational meeting with your fertility specialist with your husband and you. He might not be realizing just how good your chances are for actually conceiving. Maybe having a qualified professional say..."well you've done this and that....you probably have such & such a chance of actually conceiving now at this point" It might help to put things into perspective for him. Just like having a terminal illness...sometimes it takes a person having a Dr say "it's just not going to happen" before they actually move on to accept their situation.

Good luck. And remind him that being parents and raising children isn't always about biology. (my husband adores my oldest son...and he's no more related to him than your husband would be to an adopted child).

Answer 23

Please remember, an adopted child has suffered a loss.  The fact of the adoption will have an impact.  That doesn't mean adopted children cannot be happy in their adoptive families, but let's not ignore the fact of that loss.  Given that starting point, if your husband is not open to this, the child will likely feel that, even if unconsciously.  That is likely to have further impact on his or her development.  He has been open and honest with you.  For the good of any potential adopted children you might take in, you need to respect that.  

Remember, adoption is supposed to be about doing what is best for the child.  A child will not benefit from being in a home where one of the parents is not on board with taking the child in.

Edited in response:

While I wasn't one who said you were trying to band-aid your infertility, or even said you were a bad person, I noticed something about your response to those criticisms...  The oft-repeated phrase "I want..."  What does your husband want?  Do you respect his desire?  Are you doing this for you, or for the child?  I'm not trying to bad-mouth  your or put you down...  But before you take on the responsibility of raising a child (yours or someone else's) be sure that it's NOT about you...  It's not about what you want.  It ought to be about what the child NEEDS, not about your WANTS.

Just some earnest advice that I'm sure will earn me more thumbs-down...

Answer 24

Please don't.  

I hear of women doing this all the time, and then ultimately the child will suffer the wrath of the relunctant male adopter.

One of the common myths of adoption is that it is the same as rasing your own child

Blech.