How can I deal with my mother always accusing me of stealing

Question

I live with my elderly mother. She has memory issues but will not admit to it, and refuses to see a dr. So I stay with her to help her stay safe (ie, not leave the stove on, stuff like that). The problem is, she will misplace something and then accuse me of stealing it. Now she's misplaced some valuable coins, which i've never even seen before, and she's getting ready to call the cops to report that I took and sold them. Which isn't true at all. She'll find them in time, but in the meanwhile I have to deal with all the screaming and even possible arrest.

I don't want to put my mother in a home, but I also can't spend every day defending myself against one crazy accusation after another. She even locks her bedroom door, which made me glad because then she KNOWS I can't get in there. Yet she accuses me of somehow picking the lock.

I don't know what to do. Should I give up and leave her on her own? She will not see a dr, she thinks they are all "out to get her".

Answer 1

I think that your mother is in the early stages of something like dementia, but in denial about it.

Suggest to her that you are going to get someone in to help you find stuff that's gone missing, because you're so upset that she thinks you stole things. Bring in some medical professional who can assess your mother, but in a very subtle and non-medical type of manner - you definitely don't want someone who gives off 'doctor' vibes. Get someone who you think she will warm to.

Then, once trust of some sort is established there, suggest that this new 'friend' and her and yourself go and visit some places where your mother can make some new friends, and bring her to some old folks' homes with suitable facilities - may I stress that I think these should be short visits of up to an hour, just so she can get used to the sort of places they are. Encourage friendships, emphasise activities available, and how everything is there that she'll need, including helpful carers. Let her find one place that she really likes, and if there's a place coming available, suggest to her that she might like to stay there for a bit, just to give you a break.

If she likes it, she might be open to the idea of staying there. The trick is to let her think it's her decision, because the one thing that she still needs is the feeling that she still has some sort of control over her life.  

Answer 2

I'm sorry to say, but if you don't wan to put her in a home...you'll have to deal with it. Even if you did she'll find someone to accuse...even you. It sounds as if she is dealing with the early stages of Alzheimer's, and it only gets worst.  look at it this way do prefer her knowing who you are and accusing you or being terrified of you because she doesn't know you and she thinks you are going to harm her.

Answer 3

just  tell  here

Answer 4

I think you are trying too much.

Unless you are a qualified nurse - you will need some help.

Even if the cops find out what is going on, the embarrassment, and the possible repercussions at work, are something you need to take into account.

You NEED to talk with her, explain that you cannot handle these accusations just because she forgot where she put things. Ask her why she thinks so badly of you, while you try hard to help her stay relatively on her own.

Maybe you should talk to your or her doctor, and ask his advice on how to deal with this. They might have tips or know someone who can help you.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Google a short piece called Desiderata. It has all the answers in it both for now & forever.

Best wishes. uk

Answer 6

Wow man, tough situation.

If I were you, put her in a home, and then threaten the home with a good lawyer (believe me, they do tend to neglect, especially people like your mom, but threatening with a crippling lawsuit will fix that. And then she'll be off your back.)

Answer 7

you don't make any sense.  

She can't take care of herself, you can't take care of her because her illness has progressed to more than you can reasonably manage, you won't put her in a home where she will be taken care of, but you will abandon her and leave her on her own.

She won't admit she has memory issues because she is not aware that she has memory issues.  

It is your responsibility to drag her to the doctor (against her will, if necessary) and have her properly diagnosed so that you can then begin the process of hiring (with her money or finding out what services she qualifies for) around the clock at home nursing care or weeding through reliable/reputable assited living facilities or nursing homes.

You don't have to take this on by yourself and it sounds like it has reached the level that you now need qualified professional assistance.  it is not a failure on your part if you have to seek outside help.  It *IS* a failure on your part if you just abandon her and leave her on her own knowing that she is incapable of caring for herself.