How can I deal with my mother?

Question

My mother just came back from Japan after being there for two months. Those were a great two months, I got so much closer to my friends, bonded with my brother and sister, joined a gym, read books that I wanted to (Catch-22 is great), got better at playing my guitar, did a lot of work in the kitchen, and cleaned up after myself. Life without constant nagging and yelling is a dream.

Today my mother has been home, back in New York for two weeks. An hour ago I asked her if she could drive me to the gym that I have a membership to. I even brought her half an apple.

Here's how the conversation went:

A = me, B = my mother.

A: Can you drive me to (gym name)?

B: No!

A: Why?

B: Because I can't!

A: Why can't you?

B: Why do you want to go there?

A: Because I want to work out.

B: Then go out and walk the dog, walk there, no one will see you. You're just going there so you can pay? You never go there anyway.

A: I went on the regular before. (I did, my brother drove me there a lot. I miss him, he left for college.)

B: If I dropped you off I'd have to pick you up.

I don't understand why my mother doesn't support anything I do.

She HAS been physically abusive before. She tries to control me with fear. My mother hates it when I go out with my friends and doesn't talk to me when I get back home. She absolutely hates it when I do things on my own, or when I do things my way. She seems to think that everyone outside of our house is stupid or evil. My mother isn't a kind or loving person. She's cold, bitter, and emotional. When we argue in the car, she speeds up and then stops abruptly, over and over again.

I'm not scared of her anymore, but I'm stuck living under the same roof as her for another year. This means another year of her hiding my progress reports, obsessing over my cellphone activity, hanging up the phone when my friends call the house, and nagging. She has broken my self-esteem before to the point where I didn't hang out with my friends for half a year. I'm a good kid, or so I think I am. My grades are decent, I work at a church, I do what I'm told most of the time.

So help me out. Why won't my mother support me? Why does she feel the need to control me? Has anyone else been in a situation like this? What can I do? I want a mother who'll use logic when telling me things rather than her emotions. Can I deal with this monster of a mother and still keep at least an ounce of sanity?

Answer 1

Your mom has problems that have nothing to do with you.  I don't know what they are, but she's not coping well, and you're left dealing with it.

You didn't mention if your dad was in the picture, so I'll assume he isn't and can't step up for you with your mom.  Do you have family that could take you in?

Don't give up on your friends during this period, they're probably all that's keeping you sane.

I'm so very sorry for your situation, but there really isn't anything you can do to get your mom to act differently.  If you try to do what she wants, she'll just find something else to complain about...and you'll be less happy than ever.

Consider seeing a school counsellor or someone you trust to talk about your feelings and difficulties and strategies for coping.  There's nothing wrong with you, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't help to talk to someone about whats going on.

The best you can do is try to stay under her radar until you can leave.  Do you pay your cell phone bill yourself?  If not consider picking up a part time job and doing that, removing her right to complain.  Can you take transit?  Then you won't have to ask for a ride.  Don't stop living your life, but try to get out around her if possible, and just hang on until you can leave.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Actually we have the same situations. My mother keeps me from doing thing independently. So I waited for the right time to talk to my mom and just tell her nicely how I can live my life independently now and knows what to do and when to do it.

Just like your mother, My mother is also a little bit of cold and somehow bitter. But they're just doing these things to us because they know what is best. But since I already know that I'm ready to live an independent life, I had no chance but to tell her nicely.

Everything came out smoothly with my mom and know I'm able to hang out with my friends unlike the past times, She would usually yell at me and scold me for hanging out with them. I suggest you also do what I did to my mom and maybe she can re-consider it =]

- from DreamPrincess

Answer 3

I used to be in your situation before ya.

My mum controlled me like h**l. Expects me to do things all in the way she want me to do it.

But she started going out to work, so she seldom bothr about me anymore.

Anyway, what I thought about your mum was that she feels insecure.

The other point is that, logic doesnt necessary work, cos different people has different perspectives, thus having their own logic. maybe by controlling you, by having an authoritarian style, she's assure that chances of you going astray will be much lesser.

I understand this kinda of things usually doesnt have an ideal way out, unless, you could really understand what she's thinking and feeling, which I think was quite difficult, though possible. probably the things that she experienced are different from you, furthermore with generation gap, that makes things much more difficult.

but what I would suggest is try to get your mum involve in the things you are doing, or get yourself involve in teh things that she's doing. I think this will serve as a fundamental step to understand what she really is thinking or bothering her about.

Try not to raise voices during arguments, it'd probably be better.

and good luck (:

Answer 4

Mothers are "generally" naggers. They tend to be overprotective. I've been through that as well, but mine is i think because of a huge generation gap. She is 38 years older than me. However, their nagging is most probably due to paranoia (excessive care for their children), or just because of their plain mood swings.

This is the best thing to do:

When everything tones down (after dinner), try to talk to her "mom can we talk? i have a concern..." if she listens, then say it. You can start with "Is there something about me or my doings that upset you? Please let me know because I'm really confused why you constantly reject me. I have clean intentions in everything that I plan to do."

If she rejects you, write a letter. You can consider my proposed introduction. A mother will never put it to waste.

If she nags you when you ask permission, you can use sweet/soft gestures such as speaking with a politely-upset tone: "I'm sad coz  want you to accompany me there. That's because I missed you mom. I just hope you understand me." or "Please... walking a dog won't build muscles. Please..."

Try to kiss and hug her.

Never attempt to raise your voice or say bad words. It hurts. Remember the usual saying of moms, "Someday when you become a mom you will understand"? ... Of course you will be a different kind of mom than she is, but she just has this unique way of "caring" for you. She thinks that's a good approach, that's why its important for you to speak, but POLITELY.

a presently nagging person isn't capable of listening. either let her cool down or find a timing when she's relaxed and not doing anything. Only then will she be capable of listening to you. :)